Back from the death: let's resuscitate this blog!

Guys,

It's been so long since I've posted here. I think about it everyday but I found myself to be weak and discouraged. I feel like I don't have anything good to say!

So much has happened but at the same time nothing has happened. Does that make sense? 

I find that I have done really poorly in documenting my journey and I want to change that as of right now.

No more secrets. I'm all in!

I want to post as often as possible and be 100% honest about this journey: it's no rosey fairytale. I find that I have mostly posted the ups and the good parts in the past and kept the really bad side of my weightloss journey either completely out of my posts, or somewhat concealed. And I apologize for this as I know it's totally wrong. It's as good as posting a before and after picture and saying I got those results by taking a miracle weightloss pill.

From this moment on I promise to share the good, the bad and the ugly whenever I post. I do have a busy life as I work a full time job but I need to update this and keep a journal of my progress for myself as much as for anyone else out there embarking on this journey.

So tonight I leave you with this little update.

As of July 1st 2015 I am now back officially under the 350lbs mark. Before then I had been following a workout routine which consisted of 25 minutes of cardio 4 days a week + maintaining and reaching a daily goal of 5000 steps monitored with my Fitbit Flex. I followed a daily diet under 2000 calories. 

Since July 1st I have fell off the wagon. I've been going through a lot in my personal life and haven't had much stability so this impacted my diet and exercise. I have had blockage 3-4 times from overeating. Mostly due to meats and bread. I try to eat balanced meals when at work but when I am home I easily have access to junk food such as pizza, cakes, candies... 

I desperately want to go back on the right path. I had been used to living a certain lifestyle for so long that I now feel unbalanced and I am not comfortable living this way. I want to eat better, whole foods and steer clear of the bad stuff. 

I was actually pleased with myself tonight. I made my dinner and my lunch, as I used to do in the past, and it consisted of one portion of lean meat (ground horse mixed with Kirkland pesto), one portion of mixed wild rice blend (boiled with fat free chicken broth, salt, pepper, butter) and broccoli and cauliflower (steamed and seasoned with garlic salt and butter). It's not 100% healthy but so much better than pizza right? It actually felt good to eat "normal" again.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

6 months post-op: struggles

February 7th marked 6 months since my surgery. I can't say I've done really good but I've lost a total of 11lbs since surgery. That's not to be looked over as it is progress but not as good as I anticipated.  

I started off this journey at 377lbs last February and lost 14 lbs by the time I was operated. That's a total of 24lbs. It's a slow journey but I'm the only one to blame.

I've started this new year with a goal in mind: to finally reach my first milestone of 329lbs. I'm not far but it feels like a huge mountain to climb. 

To achieve that goal I set myself some rules: eat consciously and excercise. It's been going ok so far. But then I hurt my back last week and set aside my workout til I felt better. Somehow I fell off the wagon with food as well! What the heck! So this week I eased myself back into my workout routine by starting with 15 minutes rather than my usual intense 25 mins. 

As for food... Well this week has been a problem. I'm probably beating myself over nothing but this week's been pretty bad so far. Overeating (based on how much I can actually eat now with the band, not based on a regular person) and mostly attracted to the bad stuff (I've had junk food... And lots of it.) 

I know I can't dwell on the past and all that matters is what I do from now on but I can't help thinking about my next appointment and weighing myself and I'm afraid of what these numbers will tell me! I want to feel like I can do something and succeed at it! I want to know that I worked really hard and got results. And I know that "stuffing my face" won't make that happen. I'm well aware of that.

Besides that my anxiety as been through the roof lately with bits of insomnia and panic attacks here and there. I just want to sleep for days in a row and not have to worry about anything. (Perhaps it's time for a checkup with my doctor...)

So as I'm typing I keep looking back on top to the graph showing my weightloss and yeah I have to admit it looks pretty good. But can you possibly help feeling like you should've achieved more? I never thought that this would be a miracle cure or an overnight change: never in a million years. But I did expect better results and more "willpower" from myself. I thought I was "better than that". 

I guess I'm just in a slump feeling negative about it all and I hope I get pass this as soon as possible. I really look forward to feeling like I used to feel weeks ago about my weightloss journey. I was really proud and ready to conquer it all. Right now I just feel bummed out.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Changes - mini update

Hello to all!

I am giving myself a slap on the hand for not updating you on my weightloss journey. Some may already follow me on Instagram and Facebook but for those who don't here are my updates!

Since December 3rd I have lost 1 pound. That is all. I went through the holidays, cheated left and right with food (and the sweets! Oh God the sweets!) but as of January 1st something changed. I decided to start exercising, and tracking my footsteps daily (5k step objective per day).

Not much at first but I started with 15 minutes of light cardio, in intervals of 5,4,3,2 and 1 minute (for a total of 15 mins), every 2 days, with the help of an interval timer app I found on the iPhone App Store. Nothin crazy you can just do a quick search and you can find any of your liking. It was simply so I didn't have to waste time playing with my iPhone timer every minute.

Since last week I bumped it up to 25 minutes 4 times a week. Ideally I'd like to do 4 consecutive days, or two days and one day rest but haven't gotten the chance so far since I got my band filled yesterday. I am now at 4.5cc. My doctor wanted to put more but when he made me drink water it wouldn't go down so he took some out. Hopefully with my steps, excercise and watching my food I should be able to see some actual results by my next appointment (6 weeks from now).

That's pretty much it! Wanted to make it short and sweet and hoping to deliver better results (so I can reach my first milestone and reward myself with the FitBit Aria scale!)

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

84 days post-op: health scare and changes

So there's been a lot happening since last month...

I am currently in bed. I have been spending the last week in bed and will spend the next 2 weeks in bed as well. Yup. I was rushed to the hospital at the end of last week for nausea, vomiting and intense pain. I had been feeling iffy for a few days but brushed it off as a 24 hour thing. Things weren't getting better, I hadn't been able to eat for over 48 hours and couldn't even hold water. I was afraid for my band so I decided going to the ER was the best way to be sure I would be ok. After waiting several hours (and slowly sipping on some Pedialite) I finally saw a doctor who advised me I had an abscess the size of the palm of my hand! 

When he told me that, things went from crazy to crazier and everything happened really quickly. One moment I was talking to the doctor and the next I was giving instructions to my boyfriend to contact my work and saying goodbye as I was being wheeled away to the operation room. I was getting surgery within minutes. I was terribly scared. I kept praying "God give me strength. God watch over me." I kept repeating it even when I was given oxygen and trying to fight the anaesthesia until everything went black.

I woke up and it was time to wheel me into my room. Everything had gone well. It's the first thing I asked. I was still really groggy but I was curious enough to ask how long I had been out and I was under for about 20 minutes. When I got to my room I grabbed the telephone and failed my boyfriend's number. He couldn't stay because the visiting hours were over but he wasn't even home yet. I got around to calling everyone I could (including my work) and then by 11pm finally decided I couldn't find the painkillers anymore and I drifted to sleep.

The next morning was interesting. I was allowed to eat so their choices were a bit overwhelming (I hadn't eaten in 72 hours by then). My nurse (is there a male name for nurse? Man nurse?) tended to my wound and gave me meds, removed my IV and overall sickly person needs. 

Soon enough I met with my surgeon again and got the ok to go home and it was time to go.

Surprisingly I wasn't prescribed anything for pain and the whole process was really overbearing. I hadn't taken my anxiety meds for 4 days by the time I got home, I was really tired and uncomfortable and had to take baths 2-3 times a day with a tube sticking out of my skin. I had a major meltdown and I am thankful I had my stepmom there to help me (and support me mentally!) as I really needed help. 

The next day was my first appointment with the nurse to tend to my  wound and a new problem arises: she can't clean out the drain. Nothing to worry about according to her, but I couldn't go to sleep with that on my mind. I call the hospital and explain what is going on. After placing me on hold for 5 minutes, they advise me to go to the ER immediately. My heart sank. I was exhausted. I was fed up. I was miserable and I didn't need this right then. My prayers kick in again until the triage nurse sees me (happens to be the nurse who prepped me up for surgery) and after inspecting my wound and speaking to the doctor it turns out I'm ok. 

Now the "fun" part. So since my surgeon was on his last day of work before going on vacation he took advantage of the fact that I was already scheduled to meet with my bariatric surgeon on Wednesday to follow up on my abscess and remove the drain. That was exciting. So as uncomfortable as I was I still managed to go to my appointment and did my usual task of filling out a questionnaire on what I ate in the past month, how it went, and the fun part: weighing myself. I walked over to the scale. Turn it on. Watch the numbers adjust. 360. 350. 349.6lbs. WHAT?! I blinked. I couldn't believe it. I beat the 350 mark and I honestly didn't think anything like that would happen. Last month I had gained 4lbs up to 368lbs. I had lost 19lbs in a month??? I walked back to my seat with a huge grin, forgetting about the fact that I had a tube sticking out of my skin, forgetting the pain. That was the best feeling. I got to my phone and texted my family and friends. I was so happy. Then everything happened quickly and my name was called and before I knew it I was out the door on my way to pick up my prescription (painkillers at last!) and heading home. 

So since then things have been stable. I am getting treatment for my wound daily by the nurses at the clinic, eating normally now and sleeping a lot (thanks to my medication...) 

The pain is easily managed now with the medication and sleeping helps me heal. I'm able to wash normally but still sit in the tub every now and then. I'm hoping this heals quickly. I had no idea what to expect when I showed up at the hospital last Saturday (and I was certainly not expecting this!). 

It's been a learning experience for sure. When the surgeon first told me I had an abscess I thought "oh ok. Stick a needle, remove the bad stuff, bandage it real tight and I'm good to go" and boy was I wrong! I learned that you need to react quickly to anything odd when you don't feel well. Had I waited any longer it could have attacked my muscles and it could have been worse. Sometimes (and most of the time) you cannot take it upon yourself to take care of the world. I cannot heal everything and I can certainly not fix everything. I need to learn to trust others and that I cannot control every situation that arises. 

I will go back to bed now as I have another day ahead of me (with another appointment with the nurses) so I'll go back to bed. I will keep praying for my health and speedy recovery.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

50 days post-op: change in progress

Tomorrow is my first appointment post-op with my surgeon. It will also be the first time I weigh myself since the day of my surgery. I'm scared. 

Everything has been going really well, especially in the beginning. Nearly two months later I feel nearly no restriction and that's what's not helping me control my portions. I still keep track of what I eat but I can eat more than I wish I could and it worries me. 

Everything goes through smoothly except certain foods: bread and meat. I have to be extra careful to chew well and eat slowly. The pain in indescribable. Let me put it this way: it's like trying to push playdough through a straw and making sure it goes through. This is what bread and some meats do: they block. It hurts. The feeling is something in between choking and needing to throw up. It helps if I drink to help it go down but it just fills up my stomach with more liquid, making me hungry faster. 

I have been keeping away from junk food with the exception of one trip to McDonald's so far (and it wasn't as pleasant as I remember it being). I've been keeping away from soft drinks for the most part (I will opt for iced tea or lemonade if I'm out). I've had a drink of soft drink here and there but I don't like it anymore mainly because the bubbles just make me burp and it's not pleasant.

I have been loving sweets though and I try to be as careful as possible but during recovery nothing felt better than Popsicles so I picked up the bad habit of eating lots of those and ice cream. I have had some cake (on my niece's birthday) and some Italian pastries now and then but I'm glad I still try hard to keep away from anything bad for me. My biggest concern is portion control at the moment and I'm hoping my appointment with my doctor will help solve this if he gives me a fill (as I'm assuming my band is empty at the moment).

Otherwise, I have been keeping track of my foods using my Fitness Plan app, along with tracking my steps with my Fitbit. 

I know I keep saying this but I need to exercise more. I need to walk more. I look at my dad who woke up one morning and just started walking, and now walks 6km a day and I feel so small. I wish I could do the same. But now that I found ways to avoid having to walk home from work I walk a lot less and it feels like I'm turning into a lazy potato again. Yes I feel like a potato.

Starting this week I will be doing my shakes again as meals, as I did during my pre-op diet. I signed up for my Lufa Farms produce basket so that will provide me with fruits and veggies and I'll have no reason not to eat them! 

I'm praying my appointment goes well tomorrow. I pray that I lost more weight. I know that I fit in clothes better than I did before but I'm still not quite where I wish I was in terms of seeing results.

gabythegirlnextdoor