In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past.
Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.
You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless?
I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them.
I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically.
I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?
I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?
I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.
But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?
My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things.
My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.
It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me.
So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness?
There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests.
I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.
I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again.
Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say.
I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.
gabythegirlnextdoor
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