Ok so I should already be in bed by now, possibly trying to fall asleep... My meds have kicked in long ago but I am fighting them... Not good. I am exhausted, but I have so much on my chest...
I am scared.. Scared that I am slipping away, again... Like last year. It feels like forever ago, and I really don't want to go back on what happened... but mostly I don't want to go back to feeling that way again at all.
I am feeling really low. I feel like I need a good cheerer-upper... Mostly, I miss my friends. All of them. I don't feel like I have any at the moment. Well, that's certainly not true. I just feel.. lonely. And the worst part is I don't feel like doing anything. Just the thought of having to go out or having someone come over to see me freaks me out. I feel lonely but I really don't want to socialize. Weird? Tell me about it...
I miss my best friend. My Siamese twin. Matias. He's so far away, and we don't talk so much anymore, other than game requests or little comments on Facebook. I really miss him.
I also miss my sister. I miss her to death. Living at my parents, I was so used to having her around. I'd be waking up in the morning to see her looking through my stuff or checking in to see if I was up yet. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. She's the cutest. Although we are 12 years apart, it feels like we grew up as twins. I always shared everything with her, no matter her age. She's a heck of a smart kid. I love her to pieces.
I don't know what I need. I feel lost, I feel like I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing... I feel like I must operate this body and this brain but I've got no clue how to operate the switches and gauges.
Just so much is going on, then at the same time my life is as boring as a watching grass grow. I don't know where to turn first, where to start...
I think I need to relax, but I don't know how. I mean, I know how, but I don't know if I have it in me at the moment.
Right now, all I know is I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm not looking forward to a full week of work AT ALL. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel lonely. I need a hug from my boyfriend but he's sleeping like a log. I am now trembling because I am still cold (landlord did not put the heating on in the vacant apartment downstairs.....). I wish the day was longer than 24 hours. I wish I could remember the random words that pop up in my head to try to find a meaning in them. I'm thinking I'm crazy. I'm now thinking I might be crazy but at least I'm something. I'm thinking this has got to stop and I must go to bed.
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