Motivation: zero.

I've been feeling kind of weird these past few days...

Last week my doctor lowered my dose of Celexa (I am down to 20mg daily) and that seems fine (I requested it). But I have been feeling really anxious and had 2 episodes of completely chaotic panic attacks in the past month. I don't know if any of it is related to our recent move. I find that overall my life is ok. Work is fine. We are doing ok financially (We don't miss out on anything). However my mood has even all over the place... I know that there's lots of stuff that could explain this (stress, PMS, etc...) but I can't seem to quite pinpoint what the issue is.

I am not feel happy.

Now I'm not trying to start a whole pity circus, I want no sympathy or anything. It's entirely my problem and no one is the cause to this. However, I can't help but feel sad, on so many different levels. I am just not happy. I don't find happiness at home, or at work. I have been isolating myself for so long, refusing to go out that people don't even bother to ask me anymore. My colleagues often have a happy hour on Thursday's and they won't ask me anymore because they no ill decline. It then became clear to me why a little while ago. I isolate myself because I am afraid to be exposed and to be in crowded places. I'm going to stop right there because I really don't feel like getting into it but that's what it is. I admitted it for the very first time to my friend today. It felt weird.

I just want to be home. Alone. With Jason and our goldfish and our finches and no one else. I'll chat, text and such but I don't want to be with people. Weird isn't it? I use to go out, go to concerts, parties, bars and clubs. I used to meet new people and make new friends. Used to go to friends houses and movies and restaurants... You name it. That was who I was. The real Gaby. I do none of that today...

I wish I could go back to the old me, I just don't know how. I know there are things I need to sort out to achieve this but it involves spending money and time and I can't really do that right now... I really want to just try and figure it out on my own.

I really miss it. I miss my friends so much. I used to be so close to them and we grew so far apart. It's my fault. I know it. Because they never missed out on inviting me to place and wanting to see me and my new apartments... I just couldn't do it. The anxiety that crept up on me when it came to deciding was just too unbearable. I couldn't take it. I really hope I can make up for it and that they will still be as much my friends as they used to be when I was the old me. I miss them so much.

With the isolation, I feel like I'm left alone to myself and think too much. I get home, eat supper with Jason and we watch tv and he falls asleep on the couch. Here we go again. Alone. By myself? What am I supposed to do? Well one can guess, I think and think and think! And then the whole guilt process starts again. It also makes me miss seeing Jason more (sleepy was) and my family. Oh wait. I forgot. Family issues fall into this whole hot mess. Not talking to this person but feel ok about the other. Old wounds reopen and start new wars and feelings of resentment. Great!

Phones ring... Who's going to pick up? Me? When I'm usually crying or concentrated on changing my thoughts through music or reading? Jason is sleeping (zzz zzz zzz) and wouldn't even twitch if world war 3 exploded across the street! How is it that I can't face people anymore? Have I become so fucked up, to the point I am anti social now? What is wrong with me? I WANT to go out see my friends, drink and have a good time.. Why am I not? That's the question! I'm just not happy. Not depressed (because I want to stop the anti depressants so badly please!). I am 22 and missing out on everything.

Now to the motivation. Not only am I feeling like a toasted piece of crap, I am waiting for the surgery since forever. I know it's not something to play with, not a miracle cure, and definitely not something that would be healthy if it happened overnight. But I just wish that it could come already. I am losing hope really fast. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to get it done. But forget it. If the hospital knew what state of mind I am right now they would probably put me back at the bottom of that waiting list, telling me I come back when I set my shot straight. *sigh*

I am hoping for a better future. My goal is to "resocialize" myself, learn to behave again... Learn not to take everything at heart. I need to learn how to be strong and set my food down. I hope that the next post will be filled with great achievements because honestly, this one sucks.