New month... New season... Is this what is bringing some fresh air to my brain, making me feel like I can finally think and see clearly?
Now wait a minute... Is it just another one of these episodes where I feel great and life is beautiful and lalala? If it is I am seriously going to consider being bipolar no jokes. To be honest, I can't take being sad and depressed any longer. I need to feel good again. I need to feel like I am myself and that I want to do things a normal 22 year old would do, regardless of what I've been through. I feel like my mind stops me from doing anything based on what I've been through. Bad experiences, traumatic events, periods of depression... It always sticks in the back of my mind, whenever I am asked to go out or invited anywhere.. It even happens when I invite my own family over! It stops me from calling people and wishing them happy Easter! I'm not crazy. I know we all have it in us to better ourselves and cure ourselves from anything. I need therapy for many things, but it doesn't mean I have to pay someone to do it for me.
So I have decided to kick myself in the butt. I am going to wake up every morning with a new achievement for the day (if possible) and make sure I accomplish it! I'm not going skydiving or anything crazy yet! I'll start slowly. This week, my goal is to go out on a date with Jason. Being out in the public, within a crowd of people, talking and having a great time. I haven't done that in years! That's nothing big. Then I will slowly accept invitations out with friends and eventually go out a bit more and getting to be the old me and socialize. Back in high school I could never shut up! I would meet people and instantly become friends with them! And after certain things happened... With my nervous breakdown and depression 2 years ago... It all went downhill and I really lost myself. I want to feel alive. I feel dead inside. I put up a front, go to work and act normal but then I come home and isolate myself. I refuse to be like this!
So this is why I am planning a night out with my honey. It's a secret for him (yay) but with my big mouth who knows if I can keep a secret! I just want to enjoy myself and have fun.
If that goes well, what else can I achieve?
Speaking with my mom about all this the other day, she made me realize something: I don't paint anymore. That's true. I used to let it all out on my bedroom walls when I was a teen. My mom almost wanted to cry when she moved. She wanted to take my walls with her. It was a part of me and who I was. She's the best. I don't know another parent who would let their kid paint their bedroom walls like a canvas with acrylic paint. Well she did. And it was important for her to let me do it.
I'm not going to do that here. I'm an adult now. I don't live alone. I don't think Jason would appreciate, plus I don't want to use my home in that way. But I will paint. There's something about it that is therapeutic. You can paint something, start over, scrap it or keep it. But at the moment you do it, you let out your present emotions and they stay there as long as you wish. I remember in high school, in art class, we had to make a painting of something, anything, as long as it it in the theme of "child abuse" and the only rule was you couldn't use paintbrushes. Man, I nailed that project. I wonder where my painting is today... I loved it. I had thrown paint all over it. Really dramatic looking. Dark reds, black, purples... It looked like bruises. But I had flicked white paint on it with star-shaped stencils. I had newspaper letter cutouts spelling:"don't hurt kids". I loved that piece.
Well now that I am done reminiscing and have a concrete plan in mind, I can only hope for a better tomorrow. I want this to work. I don't want to be sad anymore. Things happen in life, good or bad, but they shape you into who you are. I don't care if I come from a broken family, if I have a weight problem or self esteem issues. I don't care if I had depression since I was 14 or if I was traumatized by a school shooting. I am me. That will never change. Things around me can shape me on the outside but on the inside, I am Gaby.
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