Noun1.thanatophobia - a morbid fear of death
That's what's on my mind these days. I've come to term with my operation. But the fear of losing my loved ones, the fear that I won't wake up that something will go wrong and I won't make it... That's what's on my mind. Constantly.
It makes no sense. Sure. It's absurd. Absolutely. Everyone survives this surgery. Of course. I know all of that but my mind thinks differently. And the anxiety skyrockets and I lose it.
Yesterday was supposed to be my surgery. And when I got the call that it had to be postponed I questioned it and I didn't know why. Well I know why now. I have been sick since Friday with a cold. I'm only starting to feel better now. I had to call the nurse at the hospital to ask her if I could still get surgery on Thursday since I was sick and it all depended on if I had an infection and if my secretions cleared up. I've done everything and it's looks like I'm finally on the mend. I still have to call to confirm tomorrow.
Apart from that the diet has been going good. Being sick meant having a very low appetite but I managed to get good foods into me (vitamin rich foods) to help me kick this cold in the gut. I made myself countless spinach salads, spinach and berry smoothies, incorporated fresh garlic in nearly everything... I had one goal in mind and it was to get back on my feet to tackle Thursday.
That's my rational self thinking.
Then nighttime comes and it's different.
I'm not afraid of the surgery. I'm not afraid of changing. I'm not even afraid of having to inject myself with anticoagulants for a whole week. I'm afraid of going under. Afraid of anesthesia. I've had local anesthesia when I had my carpal tunnel release surgery and although I was nervous I was semi asleep so I knew I was ok in a sense. But the thought of closing my eyes and falling asleep and never waking up seizes me. I can't take it. I'm praying that they let me take something to calm me down Thursday morning or they will have to put me down.
The thought of not getting to see everyone I love before my surgery bothers me also. It's probably what feeds my fear of "not waking up". I wish I could hug and kiss everyone before I go because once I do, I will never be the same.
Tomorrow is my last day being me. "That's absurd Gaby come on! You're still going to be yourself you're only getting some physical alterations. Your mind will still be the same!"
Yes that's true I guess. But the truth is I will never be the same. I won't be the plump and comfy Gaby my niece can sit on or rest her head upon. I'll get questions and looks from people who have known me for years. I'll have to explain to airport security why there is a "wire" inside my body everytime I fly. I'll have to pretend I have a child to order from the kids menu. Sure it's all for the best and this is good change. But I will forever be changed.
I have one day left. Everything is ready. My hospital bag is ready and my paperwork is pre-filled. I'm going to bed really early tomorrow to make sure I'm up early Thursday. I am trying not to think about anything because I don't want to stress about anything. I just want to reach my goal and that right now is to get the surgery done and over with and then maybe I can come to terms with change and realize that sometimes change is all we really needed.
gabythegirlnextdoor
No comments:
Post a Comment