Days 24-25-26-27: it's happening

I have been doing pretty good. I was able to adjust my diet to my new work schedule (10-hour shifts require more food at work less at home!) and it's been going pretty well.

I am now realizing how real it all is.

Thursday night (day 26) I had an anxiety attack. Reason? I panicked over possibly not waking up from surgery and dying. Seems absurd but that's what anxiety does: it takes over. It all started because my boyfriend is not sure to be able to get off work that day and my mind totally lost it. Completely. Anxiety takes over and you become totally disconnected from reality and rational thinking. In my mind this was the last time I was seeing him and I was going to die. When clearly it could potentially happen (we are never 100% sure how we will react to surgery and anesthesia, etc) but I will be monitored from the moment I walk in to the hospital in the morning til the moment I get out. And it's not like it's the first time they do this.

However on a lighter note today I picked up my anticoagulant. This made me realize it's really real. There are just 5 days left. I'm ready. I think? 

 I will have to inject myself once daily for 7 days to prevent any blood clots. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also coming down with a cold or something like that. I felt fine all day until my throat started feeling scratchy and now I'm coughing and my nose is leaking. Because everybody needs a cold 5 days before getting surgery in the middle of the summer right?

5 more days of dieting. It's weird. I don't know what I wil eat after surgery. I've been away from everything I would normally eat that it's weird to imagine eating anything else but Nutribar shakes. I have a feeling I will continue eating like I eat now.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 20-21-22-23: hope

I felt good today. My whole day was actually pretty good. Work was good. I was awake and "there". But I was very hungry. 

I'm still following the Nutribar shake diet and I like it however I'm having a hard time adjusting it to my new work schedule. My 8-hour shift is now a 10-hour shift. And those 2 hours make a huge difference. But I figure I'll get the hang of it soon enough. 

The past few days I felt a lot of guilt. Mainly because I gave in and ate meat (as mentioned in the past couple of posts). I felt like I failed. And it sucked. But today I noticed some more changes and that lifted my spirits up. My abdomen is "dropping".  My pants were falling and looked really loose. My shirt is more "flowey" than usual. Small changes that are hard to notice but I know they're there. So maybe I didn't fail afterall. I'll know for sure next week.

Next week. Yes. Next week. Am I excited? In a sense I suppose but it still hasn't hit me yet. Am I scared? Yes if I think about it. The thought of going under and "falling asleep" scares me the most but it's a choice I took and I leave it in the hands of God. He had this plan for me all along and I'm going to follow it til the very end. I will wake up from anesthesia and I will start a new life. I will be forever changed. 

Today I also finally let go of the idea of "hiding" my surgery. I didn't want my coworkers to know. But let's be real. Who am I kidding? I will start to change at some point and to some extent and changes will show and I'll have to face people questionning me some time or another. I cannot hide from what I stand for. 

Of course I am self conscious about the choice I made and I don't want to face criticism. Who would? In a world where we are surrounded by gym rats, fitness fanatics and countless people carrying their Blender Bottle... How is it possible not to feel judged? I don't want to be seen as "the girl who took the easy way out". That's not what this is about. I am "the girl who has been overweight her entire life, taught the wrong way about food, tried gyms, diets, excercise machines, weights, running up and down the stairs til my parents wanted to choke me". That's the girl I am. I have lived in this vessel for too long. I am not doing this to "take the easy way out". I am doing this for health. Being skinny is not something I long for. I want to be the girl in her twenties with the clear bill of health, and not the girl with hypothyroidism, clinical anxiety, depression, migraines... That's not a way to live your life. So I have come to terms that if I am willing to become healthy I need to do this. I am thinking for my future. Someday I will get married and I will want a child and I will want to bring this child into the world as healthy as possible. I will want to chase them around at the park or go ride a bike with them. I will want to practice playing soccer with them or teach them out to swim. 

What I learned from hiding is that I have deceived some people who truly love me who actually found out through other people instead of coming directly from me. It upset me that it was "going around" as this is what I wanted to avoid at all cost from the beginning. But the love and support I keep getting daily is truly overwhelming. My heart is about to burst and it brings tears to my eyes. They know it's the best thing I could ever do for myself. And I can get support from anyone. The feeling is amazing. And I love teaching and enlightening those curious about my surgery. I love that they lean something and that they understand. You never know if this is what someone they know had needed all along.

So I have decided two things: I will keep pushing til the end (8 days left!) and I will not hide and I will openly answer questions. I want to be free and if this is part of what I gambled for, then I am ready.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 19: defeat

I was having a good day today. Although I ate meat again (I promised myself I won't as of that moment) I felt good and ready to tackle the day's tasks. 

I went back on the shake diet and I was feeling happy. 

Then I get an email from my sister: the hospital called. They left a message. They have to reschedule your surgery. The surgeon has an emergency. Call them back.

My heart sank. I look at the time. 5pm. I know they're gone for the day but I try anyway. No answer. Tears are now welling up in my eyes. 4 years. I waited for 4 years and I finally get the green light, only to be stopped. I felt terrible. I know I can't give up at this point and I know it can't be that bad and most people (or all people) would just tell me to chill out. But this feels like a defeat. Waiting for 4 years, and the journey had so many bumps and so many downs that one would wonder why I persevered. 11 days left (I've been counting down religiously, crossing out each day on my calendar) and now you will possibly add more? How many? I then started crying. I bowed my head and cried quietly at my desk at work. I collect myself and keep working until my break until I call my boyfriend and the water-dam breaks. He was worried something had happened to me as I was sobbing on the phone. But he knew how to cheer me up. By reminding me everything I had gone through to attain this milestone. I can't quit. And I can certainly not make any decisions until I get to speak with the hospital. He's right. 

I finally get home and my dad makes me listen to the message. That's right. They need to push back my surgery. What am I going to tell my boss? What am I going to tell my mom who took the day off work specifically for my surgery? I run up to my room and call my mom.

Well it turns out the hospital called her too. I guess because I put her down as the person accompanying me the day of the surgery. She had a conversation with the secretary and confirmed my new surgery date for august 7th, 3 days later. I take in everything my mom is telling me and I appreciate that she even took to my defence when the secretary told her. I apologize to her and she's all relaxed and already switched her vacation day and does everything to alleviate my anxiety. It worked. 

It's only 3 more days and it was meant to be. Maybe to make up for the "meatscapades"? Who knows. I know that starting immediately I'm following this diet straighter than an arrow! Not that I was doing anything so wrong it was totally jeopardizing my surgery but I know I can put back in all the effort I had put at the beginning. 

So let's calm down. Take a deep breath. It will all be ok. I get surgery on august 7th. That's how it's going to be. Everything will work out just fine. 

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 16-18: meat, meat, meat...

I have to find a way to stop craving meat! It seems so simple: don't eat meat! But to be honest... It's so hard! What is wrong with me? 

That's my only cheat. Meat. I don't cheat by eating junk. I don't chest by eating breakfast at Tim Horton's... I cheat by eating meat. Not just any meat because I know I have to be careful with fat and carbs. So far I have been eating beef jerky. It "says" it has no fat. I don't know about that I mean I know the meat is cooked and smoked to a crisp but still... 

And just thinking about it right now makes me hungry. 

I've been doing really well. I have been following my diet, eating my fruits and veggies (and eating a bit more of them if I am still hungry) and I make a big effort to try and respect the portions as much as possible (it's not always easy to measure a cup of a certain fruit or of veggies!) but I try my best. 

This thing with meat though... It has to stop! I know I'm not supposed to eat meat because of the protein... But I don't know what to do! It drives me insane! If I don't have it my mind won't stop racing. It's like a shark that smells blood... I feel crazy.

Otherwise everything else is good. I feel good most days (except today because I need to get some sleep). There's 11 days left until my surgery. I am so excited but yet so scared. And mostly worried. If you tell me to be careful or else my actions may cause consequences then I will obsess about it until I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well since we told me that if my liver doesn't shrink I won't get operated now I'm freaking out about that. Of course I don't want that to happen! I waited 4 years for this and I'm not about to throw it all away because I'm weak! Well I'm not weak but you understand what I mean... This "diet" is more than just in preparation of my surgery. It's about self-control, respect for yourself but mostly about learning how your own body works. I never truly understood what "being hungry" meant. Until now. 

And now back to me freaking out. And wanting to eat meat. I'm truly worried that my "meatscapades" (like my new word?) are jeopardizing my surgery. And I KNOOOOW I have to stop it right now. But I can't. I cannot live without eating meat. I truly believe that my body does not function properly without it. Having a hard-boiled egg and a protein shake does not satisfy me. I need the real stuff! (Gosh I sound like a drug addict!)

So onto day 19. I don't get the chance to update every single day as often as I wish. I also stopped posting my days worth of foods because it became repetitive. I am always eating the same things over and over again... One thing I know for sure is that I'm a shake gal. I tried doing the Protilife foods today for a change but nope. Didn't work out. I did what I wanted today. 

Here's what I had: (and it's not the way to go!)

Breakfast: nothing. 

Early snack/just got to work: 

-2 baby bel cheese

-2 pepperoni sticks

-2 packs of jack link's original beef jerky (yes that much. I'm not kidding when I say I need meat)

Snack:

-Protilife chocolate and cream bar

-grapes with cheese (from work cafeteria)

-small salad (about 2 cups) mixed spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, sliced black olives with lemon juice

Lunch:

-Protilife chicken noodle soup (...)

-cheese and grapes from work

Supper/snack (it gets confusing at times):

-1 portion low-fat mozzarella 

-1 portion of cherries

-1 tbsp goat cheese (garlic & herbs) (was meant to be used with rhubard but I forgot out sour that tasted so I ate the cheese on its own)

I'm curious to see what my Fitness Pal has to say about my victorious (sarcasm) day.

By the way... I had to go back in and add stuff. Why am I trying to hide something? It's not benefitin anyone or anything. I can make mistakes right? It's so childish. This is something I developed as a kid. Being an overweight kid with parents watching your every move, I always had to "hide" or find ways to "sneak" and lie about food. It's horrible. I remember growing up there was a little girl who came up on the Maury Show for hiding bacon in her purse. I laughed with everyone but I always had this thought in the back of my mind... I'm just like her. I used to hide Ficello cheese strings in my pjs before going to bed. Or I would take the opportunity of being alone to eat anything I could find before I wasn't alone anymore. It makes me sad that although we "tried" to get me to learn about eating healthy by enrolling me in gyms and going to see nutritionists and dieticians... I was never taught to understand my body and why it really needs food. My parents did all they could and I know that. I know my mom blames herself. So does my dad. But the real problem wasn't eating. The problem was in my head and how distorted my perception of hunger and food being body fuel really was. It's just that. Plain and simple. Food is to our bodies like gas is to a car. Try overfilling your car with gas. Have fun paying for the spill. It's the same principle. Except that the currency to this spill was life experiences, good times I missed out on in my life. Lack of confidence and low self esteem. Body image issues, and even for a while bulimia. I found a pleasure in eating that I could also find in "relieving" myself. Hard day at school? Throw up. Overate? Throw up. Parents grounded me? Throw up. I've developed severe anxiety as of age 13 or 14. And every night I couldn't go to sleep because of it. My parents bought me tea, relaxation CDs... But nothing helped more than throwing up. After I did I could go sleep perfectly fine. 

That time of my life was tough for me as a teen. So I won't go there because it's way off subject already. But I realize that food and I always had a rocky relationship. It was all about listening! Listening to my body tell me "feed me I'm bored!" or "feed me or I won't be able to reach my goals throughout my tasks at work!" 

I am in no way a pro at all this. I get amazed at some people on Instagram posting their well elaborated lunched, all weighed and sliced to the square centimetre and packed up in these "coolers" because really there is no normal lunchbox that could contain so much stuff. I'm a learning in progress. One thing I know is that I am the captain of that ship that is my body. There's no one there telling me "don't eat it!" anymore. I have to take on that responsibility. 

My goal for the next few days is to TRY to stay away from crack. I mean meat. :)

I want to write more. And I NEED TO TAKE THOSE BEFORE PICTURES FOR CRYING OUTLOUD! (Sister is gonna be busy tomorrow night!)

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 10-15: excited

I am feeling really excited. I am already seeing results with the diet! (Happy dance)

It isn't easy every day but I do my very best. I trip and fall but I always get back up. 

I've been getting meat cravings but I found that if I eat my shake I feel better. I've had meat a few times now (I'll opt for beef jerky as it has no fat and low calories, although sodium is pretty high) and it usually helps. 

I was bad this weekend though. Friday I went shopping without eating breakfast before leaving so I tried to tough it out til I couldn't anymore and I found a coffee shop that had a container of watermelon pieces. I had that with a homemade lemonade. It didn't taste sweet but it was really good!

I then went out with my boyfriend and he was eating McDonald's (and it smelled good) but I didn't order anything. I had a bite of a few fries (I know it's bad but it was just that one time!). 

Other than that we went to a farmers' market on Saturday morning and I stocked up on fruits and veggies that I love. I ate lots of fruit this weekend so I hope I didn't unbalance my sugars (and hope it doesn't affect my liver!). I found delicious blueberries and strawberries! My family and I almost finished the entire box in a day!

I'm feeling good though. I've been doing the shake diet everyday. I find it's the one that gives me more "freedom" and variety. I'm comfortable with having one shake for each meal, or skipping my lunch shake and swapping it for my fruit and veggies and then taking a double shake for dinner. So far this satisfies me the most. I just wish I had thought of that before spending over $100 on Protilife food. I will still use it up after my surgery as I won't be able to eat as much so the portions will be perfect. 

Going back to my family noticing I lost weight: how rewarding! I think it's an added bonus to the diet, as it's main purpose is to shrink the liver and not to make you lose weight but hey! It works that way so I can't complain! I did notice myself that I lost on my chest, face and hips. My mother-in-law made me realize that I was starting to have a shape around my waist and hips. And it's true! I can put my hands on my hips! My chest was the first area I noticed to have gone down... The girls are playing flappy bird hahaha! Just kidding... But my chest is going down and I can press directly on my sternum. I am starting to slightly notice my collar bone (which I haven't seen since I was a child!) and my cheek bones. I feel great! I'm really getting excited now, as I have done 15 days and have just 14 to go. I'm going to be busy with work and taking life a day at a time. It's going to pass by so fast. I'm really excited.

I'm proud of what I am achieving and all I have overcome. I am happy that I keep my head up and take challenges daily as they come towards me. I feel blessed to have such amazing family and close loved ones who support and cheer for me. I am so lucky to have all this support, especially on days when it's harder than others. I get to embark on this journey and I get to really start living. I have never felt so alive. When I thought I finally overcame depression and found a purpose in life, I never envisioned that life could get as good and fulfilling as it is this very day. It is very rewarding and very overwhelming to feel so empowered and so blissful. I wish this feeling to everyone possible. I don't know how life can get better than this.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 6...7...8...9... - good, bad and ugly

Well... 

I did my very best. It was going great. Day 6 was real good and I was really into the whole diet thing, watching everything I was doing, being careful, focusing on my main goal. 

Day 7 came by... And I slipped. 

Not that bad but still... 

Everything was going well. I was following everything to the "T". My boyfriend came over we went to the pool and I tanned a bit then we went to his geanother's for supper. His family is 1000% supportive and went all out to help me (fixing me a salad, setting out a sparkling water for me). But they were having pasta and I was having salad. I was totally fine, I swear. But I was explaining what I could and could not eat and I said "I miss Nonnina's sauce". And I said I could probably just dip my fork in the sauce to "taste". But I was kind of tempted to go a bit further and I had one noodle. Just one. And I know it's not that bad. I'm not guilt-tripping over one noodle. 

But then came the meatball. I swear it was only one. But the guilt I felt afterwards... Especially when I was watching the bowl of sausages with more meatballs being carried away to be put away... The feeling was scary. 

Then I found myself wanting more meat.

That's when it went bad.

My boyfriend and I returned to his parents' house and we stopped by the convenience store to pick up sparkling water, and I bought myself dried pepperoni sticks. I couldn't wait until I was back home to chow down the first. Then came the second... And later that night I had two more.

I can't even begin to tell you the feeling I felt after eating the meat. I had these visions in my head that I was at the hospital on the day of the surgery and being wheeled out of the room being told I didn't get operated today... And each pepperoni came to mind.

It sounds so silly. You would think "ok, it's not that bad! It's just one time!" But to me it still feels like a failure. I was going to do it the right way and I didn't. 

I've been on the "shake" diet for all of these days (personal preference. I have more choice that way and I feel more full). I did notice that the moment I put food in my mouth I don't feel the "hunger" in my stomach. My brain is starting to break the idea that "hungry means stuffing myself up". I can eat a simple slice of cheese and feel fine. Or a bite or two of salad and feel ok. I eat the whole portion because I know that if I don't I'll feel hungry within the hour but I now realize the distinction between being "hungry" and being "HUNGRY!!!" The latter happens in the morning, around noon and later in the evening if I didn't have a full supper, which consists of my shake with either a vegetable salad or my chicken broth with cheese.

Although I slipped I am still proud of myself for pursuing my journey and "picking up where I left off" as if nothing ever happened. I haven't found myself to slip since Saturday (day 7). I feel good. I exercised today (went swimming) and I plan on going every day this week. 

I don't really notice much change yet, besides my chest area being more "loose"... In the sense that I can lay down on my back and be able to touch my throat without having my breasts go all the way down to my face (sorry... Big boobs problems)... 

I realize we can all make mistakes. But what matters is what you make of those mistakes and how you come around them. I've got the best support system in the world. (Honestly, you all know who you are. I wouldn't be where I am without all of you!!!)

gabythegirlnextdoor

Day 5: happy

Today was a good day. Although I woke up feeling like total crap: headache, had nightmares all night, overall aching... But it turned out to be a good day!

I did shakes today. I've decided shake day is my favourite! I swapped my afternoon snack with my lunch so that I get two portions of shake at once and stay full til I get home and have my specialty: chicken broth with shredded cheese. It's become an inside joke. 

I felt good today. I was a bit tired and sleepy but I blame that on going to bed late and my body still catching up on very much needed rest from the move. I had my shake this morning and then kept my cheese portion for when I got to work. I looked forward to my first break to have my crunchy salad from work (see below) and my favourite grapes and cheese. That made me last all afternoon until my supper (lunch break) at work where I had both portions of shake. And I got home and felt hungry. I ate my soup and now I'm ready for bed! I'm thinking I'm going to do shake days most days. I almost wish I didn't spend so much money on Protilife...

Here is what I ate today in details:

Breakfast:

-1 shake (used the one with added protein) with 500ml skim milk

Snack:

-1 portion of cheese

Lunch:

-1 portion salad consisting of spinach, red cabbage, cucumber and tomato with lemon juice

Meeting snack:

-1 portion of grapes and cheese

Late afternoon:

-2 portions of shake mixed with 473ml container of 2% milk

Supper:

-my cheese soup made with chicken broth and 1 portion of low-fat mozzarella, shredded

I just loved how happy I was when I brought up my salad and grapes to my desk! I was excited! I'll have to plan on making my own as it will end up costing a fortune but I love that it's my go-to snack at work!

Hoping tomorrow is a good day also. Can't believe almost a whole week is already over! Funny thing that happened... I had a nightmare about my surgery. In my dream I was having a panic attack and I was really anxious, almost freaking out. My friend from work had the same dream! So weird... 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I'm thinking shake day again tomorrow!!!

gabythegirlnextdoor