I'm still following the Nutribar shake diet and I like it however I'm having a hard time adjusting it to my new work schedule. My 8-hour shift is now a 10-hour shift. And those 2 hours make a huge difference. But I figure I'll get the hang of it soon enough.
The past few days I felt a lot of guilt. Mainly because I gave in and ate meat (as mentioned in the past couple of posts). I felt like I failed. And it sucked. But today I noticed some more changes and that lifted my spirits up. My abdomen is "dropping". My pants were falling and looked really loose. My shirt is more "flowey" than usual. Small changes that are hard to notice but I know they're there. So maybe I didn't fail afterall. I'll know for sure next week.
Next week. Yes. Next week. Am I excited? In a sense I suppose but it still hasn't hit me yet. Am I scared? Yes if I think about it. The thought of going under and "falling asleep" scares me the most but it's a choice I took and I leave it in the hands of God. He had this plan for me all along and I'm going to follow it til the very end. I will wake up from anesthesia and I will start a new life. I will be forever changed.
Today I also finally let go of the idea of "hiding" my surgery. I didn't want my coworkers to know. But let's be real. Who am I kidding? I will start to change at some point and to some extent and changes will show and I'll have to face people questionning me some time or another. I cannot hide from what I stand for.
Of course I am self conscious about the choice I made and I don't want to face criticism. Who would? In a world where we are surrounded by gym rats, fitness fanatics and countless people carrying their Blender Bottle... How is it possible not to feel judged? I don't want to be seen as "the girl who took the easy way out". That's not what this is about. I am "the girl who has been overweight her entire life, taught the wrong way about food, tried gyms, diets, excercise machines, weights, running up and down the stairs til my parents wanted to choke me". That's the girl I am. I have lived in this vessel for too long. I am not doing this to "take the easy way out". I am doing this for health. Being skinny is not something I long for. I want to be the girl in her twenties with the clear bill of health, and not the girl with hypothyroidism, clinical anxiety, depression, migraines... That's not a way to live your life. So I have come to terms that if I am willing to become healthy I need to do this. I am thinking for my future. Someday I will get married and I will want a child and I will want to bring this child into the world as healthy as possible. I will want to chase them around at the park or go ride a bike with them. I will want to practice playing soccer with them or teach them out to swim.
What I learned from hiding is that I have deceived some people who truly love me who actually found out through other people instead of coming directly from me. It upset me that it was "going around" as this is what I wanted to avoid at all cost from the beginning. But the love and support I keep getting daily is truly overwhelming. My heart is about to burst and it brings tears to my eyes. They know it's the best thing I could ever do for myself. And I can get support from anyone. The feeling is amazing. And I love teaching and enlightening those curious about my surgery. I love that they lean something and that they understand. You never know if this is what someone they know had needed all along.
So I have decided two things: I will keep pushing til the end (8 days left!) and I will not hide and I will openly answer questions. I want to be free and if this is part of what I gambled for, then I am ready.
gabythegirlnextdoor
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