That's my only cheat. Meat. I don't cheat by eating junk. I don't chest by eating breakfast at Tim Horton's... I cheat by eating meat. Not just any meat because I know I have to be careful with fat and carbs. So far I have been eating beef jerky. It "says" it has no fat. I don't know about that I mean I know the meat is cooked and smoked to a crisp but still...
And just thinking about it right now makes me hungry.
I've been doing really well. I have been following my diet, eating my fruits and veggies (and eating a bit more of them if I am still hungry) and I make a big effort to try and respect the portions as much as possible (it's not always easy to measure a cup of a certain fruit or of veggies!) but I try my best.
This thing with meat though... It has to stop! I know I'm not supposed to eat meat because of the protein... But I don't know what to do! It drives me insane! If I don't have it my mind won't stop racing. It's like a shark that smells blood... I feel crazy.
Otherwise everything else is good. I feel good most days (except today because I need to get some sleep). There's 11 days left until my surgery. I am so excited but yet so scared. And mostly worried. If you tell me to be careful or else my actions may cause consequences then I will obsess about it until I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well since we told me that if my liver doesn't shrink I won't get operated now I'm freaking out about that. Of course I don't want that to happen! I waited 4 years for this and I'm not about to throw it all away because I'm weak! Well I'm not weak but you understand what I mean... This "diet" is more than just in preparation of my surgery. It's about self-control, respect for yourself but mostly about learning how your own body works. I never truly understood what "being hungry" meant. Until now.
And now back to me freaking out. And wanting to eat meat. I'm truly worried that my "meatscapades" (like my new word?) are jeopardizing my surgery. And I KNOOOOW I have to stop it right now. But I can't. I cannot live without eating meat. I truly believe that my body does not function properly without it. Having a hard-boiled egg and a protein shake does not satisfy me. I need the real stuff! (Gosh I sound like a drug addict!)
So onto day 19. I don't get the chance to update every single day as often as I wish. I also stopped posting my days worth of foods because it became repetitive. I am always eating the same things over and over again... One thing I know for sure is that I'm a shake gal. I tried doing the Protilife foods today for a change but nope. Didn't work out. I did what I wanted today.
Here's what I had: (and it's not the way to go!)
Breakfast: nothing.
Early snack/just got to work:
-2 baby bel cheese
-2 pepperoni sticks
-2 packs of jack link's original beef jerky (yes that much. I'm not kidding when I say I need meat)
Snack:
-Protilife chocolate and cream bar
-grapes with cheese (from work cafeteria)
-small salad (about 2 cups) mixed spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, sliced black olives with lemon juice
Lunch:
-Protilife chicken noodle soup (...)
-cheese and grapes from work
Supper/snack (it gets confusing at times):
-1 portion low-fat mozzarella
-1 portion of cherries
-1 tbsp goat cheese (garlic & herbs) (was meant to be used with rhubard but I forgot out sour that tasted so I ate the cheese on its own)
I'm curious to see what my Fitness Pal has to say about my victorious (sarcasm) day.
By the way... I had to go back in and add stuff. Why am I trying to hide something? It's not benefitin anyone or anything. I can make mistakes right? It's so childish. This is something I developed as a kid. Being an overweight kid with parents watching your every move, I always had to "hide" or find ways to "sneak" and lie about food. It's horrible. I remember growing up there was a little girl who came up on the Maury Show for hiding bacon in her purse. I laughed with everyone but I always had this thought in the back of my mind... I'm just like her. I used to hide Ficello cheese strings in my pjs before going to bed. Or I would take the opportunity of being alone to eat anything I could find before I wasn't alone anymore. It makes me sad that although we "tried" to get me to learn about eating healthy by enrolling me in gyms and going to see nutritionists and dieticians... I was never taught to understand my body and why it really needs food. My parents did all they could and I know that. I know my mom blames herself. So does my dad. But the real problem wasn't eating. The problem was in my head and how distorted my perception of hunger and food being body fuel really was. It's just that. Plain and simple. Food is to our bodies like gas is to a car. Try overfilling your car with gas. Have fun paying for the spill. It's the same principle. Except that the currency to this spill was life experiences, good times I missed out on in my life. Lack of confidence and low self esteem. Body image issues, and even for a while bulimia. I found a pleasure in eating that I could also find in "relieving" myself. Hard day at school? Throw up. Overate? Throw up. Parents grounded me? Throw up. I've developed severe anxiety as of age 13 or 14. And every night I couldn't go to sleep because of it. My parents bought me tea, relaxation CDs... But nothing helped more than throwing up. After I did I could go sleep perfectly fine.
That time of my life was tough for me as a teen. So I won't go there because it's way off subject already. But I realize that food and I always had a rocky relationship. It was all about listening! Listening to my body tell me "feed me I'm bored!" or "feed me or I won't be able to reach my goals throughout my tasks at work!"
I am in no way a pro at all this. I get amazed at some people on Instagram posting their well elaborated lunched, all weighed and sliced to the square centimetre and packed up in these "coolers" because really there is no normal lunchbox that could contain so much stuff. I'm a learning in progress. One thing I know is that I am the captain of that ship that is my body. There's no one there telling me "don't eat it!" anymore. I have to take on that responsibility.
My goal for the next few days is to TRY to stay away from crack. I mean meat. :)
I want to write more. And I NEED TO TAKE THOSE BEFORE PICTURES FOR CRYING OUTLOUD! (Sister is gonna be busy tomorrow night!)
gabythegirlnextdoor
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