Back from the death: let's resuscitate this blog!

Guys,

It's been so long since I've posted here. I think about it everyday but I found myself to be weak and discouraged. I feel like I don't have anything good to say!

So much has happened but at the same time nothing has happened. Does that make sense? 

I find that I have done really poorly in documenting my journey and I want to change that as of right now.

No more secrets. I'm all in!

I want to post as often as possible and be 100% honest about this journey: it's no rosey fairytale. I find that I have mostly posted the ups and the good parts in the past and kept the really bad side of my weightloss journey either completely out of my posts, or somewhat concealed. And I apologize for this as I know it's totally wrong. It's as good as posting a before and after picture and saying I got those results by taking a miracle weightloss pill.

From this moment on I promise to share the good, the bad and the ugly whenever I post. I do have a busy life as I work a full time job but I need to update this and keep a journal of my progress for myself as much as for anyone else out there embarking on this journey.

So tonight I leave you with this little update.

As of July 1st 2015 I am now back officially under the 350lbs mark. Before then I had been following a workout routine which consisted of 25 minutes of cardio 4 days a week + maintaining and reaching a daily goal of 5000 steps monitored with my Fitbit Flex. I followed a daily diet under 2000 calories. 

Since July 1st I have fell off the wagon. I've been going through a lot in my personal life and haven't had much stability so this impacted my diet and exercise. I have had blockage 3-4 times from overeating. Mostly due to meats and bread. I try to eat balanced meals when at work but when I am home I easily have access to junk food such as pizza, cakes, candies... 

I desperately want to go back on the right path. I had been used to living a certain lifestyle for so long that I now feel unbalanced and I am not comfortable living this way. I want to eat better, whole foods and steer clear of the bad stuff. 

I was actually pleased with myself tonight. I made my dinner and my lunch, as I used to do in the past, and it consisted of one portion of lean meat (ground horse mixed with Kirkland pesto), one portion of mixed wild rice blend (boiled with fat free chicken broth, salt, pepper, butter) and broccoli and cauliflower (steamed and seasoned with garlic salt and butter). It's not 100% healthy but so much better than pizza right? It actually felt good to eat "normal" again.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

6 months post-op: struggles

February 7th marked 6 months since my surgery. I can't say I've done really good but I've lost a total of 11lbs since surgery. That's not to be looked over as it is progress but not as good as I anticipated.  

I started off this journey at 377lbs last February and lost 14 lbs by the time I was operated. That's a total of 24lbs. It's a slow journey but I'm the only one to blame.

I've started this new year with a goal in mind: to finally reach my first milestone of 329lbs. I'm not far but it feels like a huge mountain to climb. 

To achieve that goal I set myself some rules: eat consciously and excercise. It's been going ok so far. But then I hurt my back last week and set aside my workout til I felt better. Somehow I fell off the wagon with food as well! What the heck! So this week I eased myself back into my workout routine by starting with 15 minutes rather than my usual intense 25 mins. 

As for food... Well this week has been a problem. I'm probably beating myself over nothing but this week's been pretty bad so far. Overeating (based on how much I can actually eat now with the band, not based on a regular person) and mostly attracted to the bad stuff (I've had junk food... And lots of it.) 

I know I can't dwell on the past and all that matters is what I do from now on but I can't help thinking about my next appointment and weighing myself and I'm afraid of what these numbers will tell me! I want to feel like I can do something and succeed at it! I want to know that I worked really hard and got results. And I know that "stuffing my face" won't make that happen. I'm well aware of that.

Besides that my anxiety as been through the roof lately with bits of insomnia and panic attacks here and there. I just want to sleep for days in a row and not have to worry about anything. (Perhaps it's time for a checkup with my doctor...)

So as I'm typing I keep looking back on top to the graph showing my weightloss and yeah I have to admit it looks pretty good. But can you possibly help feeling like you should've achieved more? I never thought that this would be a miracle cure or an overnight change: never in a million years. But I did expect better results and more "willpower" from myself. I thought I was "better than that". 

I guess I'm just in a slump feeling negative about it all and I hope I get pass this as soon as possible. I really look forward to feeling like I used to feel weeks ago about my weightloss journey. I was really proud and ready to conquer it all. Right now I just feel bummed out.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Changes - mini update

Hello to all!

I am giving myself a slap on the hand for not updating you on my weightloss journey. Some may already follow me on Instagram and Facebook but for those who don't here are my updates!

Since December 3rd I have lost 1 pound. That is all. I went through the holidays, cheated left and right with food (and the sweets! Oh God the sweets!) but as of January 1st something changed. I decided to start exercising, and tracking my footsteps daily (5k step objective per day).

Not much at first but I started with 15 minutes of light cardio, in intervals of 5,4,3,2 and 1 minute (for a total of 15 mins), every 2 days, with the help of an interval timer app I found on the iPhone App Store. Nothin crazy you can just do a quick search and you can find any of your liking. It was simply so I didn't have to waste time playing with my iPhone timer every minute.

Since last week I bumped it up to 25 minutes 4 times a week. Ideally I'd like to do 4 consecutive days, or two days and one day rest but haven't gotten the chance so far since I got my band filled yesterday. I am now at 4.5cc. My doctor wanted to put more but when he made me drink water it wouldn't go down so he took some out. Hopefully with my steps, excercise and watching my food I should be able to see some actual results by my next appointment (6 weeks from now).

That's pretty much it! Wanted to make it short and sweet and hoping to deliver better results (so I can reach my first milestone and reward myself with the FitBit Aria scale!)

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

84 days post-op: health scare and changes

So there's been a lot happening since last month...

I am currently in bed. I have been spending the last week in bed and will spend the next 2 weeks in bed as well. Yup. I was rushed to the hospital at the end of last week for nausea, vomiting and intense pain. I had been feeling iffy for a few days but brushed it off as a 24 hour thing. Things weren't getting better, I hadn't been able to eat for over 48 hours and couldn't even hold water. I was afraid for my band so I decided going to the ER was the best way to be sure I would be ok. After waiting several hours (and slowly sipping on some Pedialite) I finally saw a doctor who advised me I had an abscess the size of the palm of my hand! 

When he told me that, things went from crazy to crazier and everything happened really quickly. One moment I was talking to the doctor and the next I was giving instructions to my boyfriend to contact my work and saying goodbye as I was being wheeled away to the operation room. I was getting surgery within minutes. I was terribly scared. I kept praying "God give me strength. God watch over me." I kept repeating it even when I was given oxygen and trying to fight the anaesthesia until everything went black.

I woke up and it was time to wheel me into my room. Everything had gone well. It's the first thing I asked. I was still really groggy but I was curious enough to ask how long I had been out and I was under for about 20 minutes. When I got to my room I grabbed the telephone and failed my boyfriend's number. He couldn't stay because the visiting hours were over but he wasn't even home yet. I got around to calling everyone I could (including my work) and then by 11pm finally decided I couldn't find the painkillers anymore and I drifted to sleep.

The next morning was interesting. I was allowed to eat so their choices were a bit overwhelming (I hadn't eaten in 72 hours by then). My nurse (is there a male name for nurse? Man nurse?) tended to my wound and gave me meds, removed my IV and overall sickly person needs. 

Soon enough I met with my surgeon again and got the ok to go home and it was time to go.

Surprisingly I wasn't prescribed anything for pain and the whole process was really overbearing. I hadn't taken my anxiety meds for 4 days by the time I got home, I was really tired and uncomfortable and had to take baths 2-3 times a day with a tube sticking out of my skin. I had a major meltdown and I am thankful I had my stepmom there to help me (and support me mentally!) as I really needed help. 

The next day was my first appointment with the nurse to tend to my  wound and a new problem arises: she can't clean out the drain. Nothing to worry about according to her, but I couldn't go to sleep with that on my mind. I call the hospital and explain what is going on. After placing me on hold for 5 minutes, they advise me to go to the ER immediately. My heart sank. I was exhausted. I was fed up. I was miserable and I didn't need this right then. My prayers kick in again until the triage nurse sees me (happens to be the nurse who prepped me up for surgery) and after inspecting my wound and speaking to the doctor it turns out I'm ok. 

Now the "fun" part. So since my surgeon was on his last day of work before going on vacation he took advantage of the fact that I was already scheduled to meet with my bariatric surgeon on Wednesday to follow up on my abscess and remove the drain. That was exciting. So as uncomfortable as I was I still managed to go to my appointment and did my usual task of filling out a questionnaire on what I ate in the past month, how it went, and the fun part: weighing myself. I walked over to the scale. Turn it on. Watch the numbers adjust. 360. 350. 349.6lbs. WHAT?! I blinked. I couldn't believe it. I beat the 350 mark and I honestly didn't think anything like that would happen. Last month I had gained 4lbs up to 368lbs. I had lost 19lbs in a month??? I walked back to my seat with a huge grin, forgetting about the fact that I had a tube sticking out of my skin, forgetting the pain. That was the best feeling. I got to my phone and texted my family and friends. I was so happy. Then everything happened quickly and my name was called and before I knew it I was out the door on my way to pick up my prescription (painkillers at last!) and heading home. 

So since then things have been stable. I am getting treatment for my wound daily by the nurses at the clinic, eating normally now and sleeping a lot (thanks to my medication...) 

The pain is easily managed now with the medication and sleeping helps me heal. I'm able to wash normally but still sit in the tub every now and then. I'm hoping this heals quickly. I had no idea what to expect when I showed up at the hospital last Saturday (and I was certainly not expecting this!). 

It's been a learning experience for sure. When the surgeon first told me I had an abscess I thought "oh ok. Stick a needle, remove the bad stuff, bandage it real tight and I'm good to go" and boy was I wrong! I learned that you need to react quickly to anything odd when you don't feel well. Had I waited any longer it could have attacked my muscles and it could have been worse. Sometimes (and most of the time) you cannot take it upon yourself to take care of the world. I cannot heal everything and I can certainly not fix everything. I need to learn to trust others and that I cannot control every situation that arises. 

I will go back to bed now as I have another day ahead of me (with another appointment with the nurses) so I'll go back to bed. I will keep praying for my health and speedy recovery.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

50 days post-op: change in progress

Tomorrow is my first appointment post-op with my surgeon. It will also be the first time I weigh myself since the day of my surgery. I'm scared. 

Everything has been going really well, especially in the beginning. Nearly two months later I feel nearly no restriction and that's what's not helping me control my portions. I still keep track of what I eat but I can eat more than I wish I could and it worries me. 

Everything goes through smoothly except certain foods: bread and meat. I have to be extra careful to chew well and eat slowly. The pain in indescribable. Let me put it this way: it's like trying to push playdough through a straw and making sure it goes through. This is what bread and some meats do: they block. It hurts. The feeling is something in between choking and needing to throw up. It helps if I drink to help it go down but it just fills up my stomach with more liquid, making me hungry faster. 

I have been keeping away from junk food with the exception of one trip to McDonald's so far (and it wasn't as pleasant as I remember it being). I've been keeping away from soft drinks for the most part (I will opt for iced tea or lemonade if I'm out). I've had a drink of soft drink here and there but I don't like it anymore mainly because the bubbles just make me burp and it's not pleasant.

I have been loving sweets though and I try to be as careful as possible but during recovery nothing felt better than Popsicles so I picked up the bad habit of eating lots of those and ice cream. I have had some cake (on my niece's birthday) and some Italian pastries now and then but I'm glad I still try hard to keep away from anything bad for me. My biggest concern is portion control at the moment and I'm hoping my appointment with my doctor will help solve this if he gives me a fill (as I'm assuming my band is empty at the moment).

Otherwise, I have been keeping track of my foods using my Fitness Plan app, along with tracking my steps with my Fitbit. 

I know I keep saying this but I need to exercise more. I need to walk more. I look at my dad who woke up one morning and just started walking, and now walks 6km a day and I feel so small. I wish I could do the same. But now that I found ways to avoid having to walk home from work I walk a lot less and it feels like I'm turning into a lazy potato again. Yes I feel like a potato.

Starting this week I will be doing my shakes again as meals, as I did during my pre-op diet. I signed up for my Lufa Farms produce basket so that will provide me with fruits and veggies and I'll have no reason not to eat them! 

I'm praying my appointment goes well tomorrow. I pray that I lost more weight. I know that I fit in clothes better than I did before but I'm still not quite where I wish I was in terms of seeing results.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

75 days post-op: off-scale victory!

75 days have passed since my surgery and lots has happened since, yet it feels like it didn't. I've had my first fill and it didn't feel like it did much but I have another appointment scheduled next week...

I've been eating regular portions (and snacking a lot...) but although I feel barely any restriction when I eat I know when I'm full and I know what foods to avoid (no baked taralli!!)

So on to the main subject: off-scale victories. This is how I have been measuring my progress between doctor appointments because I still haven't reached the maximum weight for my scale. Well today I took out my winter coat (it's a rainy 6° out in Montreal this morning!) and it fit better than it did last year! I had a hard time with the buttons last year and the years before but now I could fit my arm between my abdomen and the coat and it would still feel fine!

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Post-op: 1 month later...

I can't believe a month ago I was going to bed and nervous about getting surgery the next morning... It seems like forever ago!

In two weeks I am meeting my surgeon for the very first time since my surgery and I cannot wait. I feel nearly no restriction at the moment and it worries me. I can eat a regular portion with a glass or two of water or juice without a problem. I could probably get away with a portion of dessert as well. Is my mind playing games with me? I don't think so because I have to tell myself "Ok. I don't need to eat right now. I'll just wait til later." When before I really had to stop eating because I was full. 

I am consciously trying to keep my eating habits in check. I keep a daily log using the My Fitness Plan app, conjointly with my FitBit app and wearing my bracelet. It's interesting to see how many steps and how my sleep pattern looks like during regular days but I am anxious to start walking daily and see what I clock in with the FitBit! 

Otherwise I am doing ok. I'm more tired (I don't know why) and I just want to sleep all the time (could be all the rain we have been getting lately). I'm back at work since Tuesday and it feels great to get back to a routine. I need to make sure I adapt my lifestyle to work and my health plan and keep up with eating balanced meals and snacks. I had the very bad habit of snacking all day at work on top of eating my lunch. I noticed that this came back really quickly on my 2nd day back to work. 

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

20 day post-op update: adjusting to a new lifestyle

Today marks the 20th day post-surgery. The euphoria has died down a bit. I no longer feel like I can walk on water but I still feel great. 

I am already able to eat solids with caution. I have had a few mishaps with certain foods (mainly bread) where I wasn't sure if I was choking or throwing up but for 10 seconds I was convinced I was going to die. Thankfully (and obviously) I didn't.

I am scheduled to go back to work on September 2nd. I feel fine apart from some discomfort near my port. I thought I was better than I actually was and tried to lift my niece up in my arms. A move that I totally regretted. I felt pain on my left side (muscular pain) and had to resume taking my pain medication for a few days. I feel much better now but I still get a small pang of pain here and there.

My diet is pretty much normal now, except I have cut out junk food completely. I haven't had a soda in over 2 months. I did have a craving for fries the other day so I had initially ordered a trio from McDonald's but I could barely finish the fries and I handed the burger over to my brother. I didn't really feel like eating it anyway. My stomach worked all night after eating the fries so it was a clear signal from my body telling me this better be the last time. I didn't really enjoy them anyway. 

Otherwise I have been able to sit down with my family and have dinner with them. I normally should still be on the purée diet but after 4 days of liquids I was able to pass on to purée, and just a little over a week later I was eating soft foods. 

I have a follow up appointment on September 22nd and I am assuming I will be getting a fill that day. I can eat a decent size portion per meal but I would like a bit more restriction. 

My scars have healed beautifully. Two of the small incisions barely look like a scratch now. The larger incisions closed up nicely.

I also experienced my first two off-scale victories.

The first is that I can see (faintly but still) my collarbones! I have never seen them. 

My second is that I was able to cross my legs sitting down for the first time in years! I was really excited. 

I keep checking to see if I have reached my first goal which is to weigh 330 lbs or less. To do that I try weighing myself with a scale (which stops at 330 lbs). That would be a total weightloss of 50 lbs, or 34.4 lbs since my last weigh-in on the day of my surgery.

I'm learning everyday mostly about listening to what my body tells me.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor  

New beginnings... Update!

We are now 11 days after surgery. I never imagined getting this far. I felt happy, liberated. Reborn. I still do. However now my fears are different. I'm afraid this won't work.

In my manual given by the hospital I am supposed to be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and then supposed to go onto step 2 which allows you to eat puréed foods. With the nurses recommendation I was able to move onto step 2 just 5 days after surgery. Slowly but surely I was able to move on to step 3 (soft foods) just 4 days later when step 2 was supposed to last another 2 weeks. I am now a month ahead in my diet and this scares me. Am I recovering faster or is this not working? 

I do feel some restriction. If I eat too much I will definitely feel bad; I feel cramping and bloating. Not fun. But 12 days after surgery should I be able to eat "normally" again?

My scars are starting to heal as well. I still feel pain and still take my pain medication if need be. I stopped using the blood thinners last week and that left really bad bruises on my stomach (I look like I got kicked in the gut several times). I've been sleeping a lot and drinking more water. I had a cold before surgery and I got an ear ache after surgery which lasted for about a week but even that feels better now. All that lingers from the cold is that I need to clear my throat quite often. 

Overall my mood is the same. I feel happy and blessed that it finally happened. I even noticed that my body got used to the decrease in my depression medication (pharmacist had to lower the dose because my dose is not available in the size of pill I can swallow). I still can't sleep a full night sleep without waking up but last night was better (I only woke up because my light was on).

I'm still waiting on my doctor to fill out my paperwork for my employer and that is stressing me a bit but I try not to think about it more than I need to. 

When I feel ready I plan on walking. I've noticed that if I stand or walk for too long my back starts to hurt. I'll wait a few more days before I can start taking walks (15-20 minutes and increasing slowly). I then plan on doing more exercise once I've fully recovered.

So this is it for my update. I'm still recovering so I don't want to spend too much time on writing when I could use the time to rest and take care of myself. Hopefully I get back to where I was soon enough to update you!

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Recovery

Hello,

As you may know by now I had my surgery last Thursday. I am now in recovery and need to heal.

I will be posting updates eventually. In the time being I am taking a small break from blogging to allow myself to rest and heal fully and quickly.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Banded

It's official.

August 7th, 2014 marks the beginning of a new life for me. After 4 years of wait, signing up with 3 different doctors and wanting to give up, 4 years of tears and deception, the day finally came. 

I woke up at 4:30am the morning of my surgery feeling pretty calm. I had packed most of my things ahead of time so it was all just a matter of making sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I had to be at the hospital for 6:30am and my mother was here to pick me up at 5:30am. 

I got to the hospital and I was assigned my bed and put my things away. Got myself in my gown and waited for a series of small preparation tests before surgery. I was scheduled to get operated at 9:30am. 

My mom and I rushed to the scale to weigh me before surgery. Remember that I couldn't use a regular scale as I was too heavy. When I did my preparatory tests back in February I weighed a wiping 377lbs. On the morning of the surgery I weighed 364.4lbs. That's a difference of 13lbs. My mom and I were ecstatic. I had lost what we estimated to be around 20lbs with the preparatory diet, if I had gained weight between February and July. Even the hospital staff was excited for me. I was overjoyed.

The nurse came back and explained how everything was going to go down and showed me how to use my spirometer that I would need to use post-surgery. She did the routine blood work and hooked me up to my iv solution and meds. By the time this was all done it was time for surgery. I was excited.

I was in and out of consciousness as I waited before the doors of the surgery ward. I hadn't slept much and I was tired. I woke up to nurses and doctors softly saying my name to ask me several questions. I guess they thought I was out of it. My surgeon even asked me if I had sleep apnea because I was falling asleep. I was simply tired but I think that helped me calm down.

I was pretty calm the entire time. All my fear and anxiety went away and I was more than ready.

I met with my anesthesiologist that checked my throat and confirmed that I was good to get operated. What a relief especially after being sick for days. 

They wheeled me into the operation room and helped me switch over from my bed to the operating table. Everyone was really nice. I even cracked a joke or two about my bare behind. That seemed to lighten up the mood but everything was very organized and very calm already. I saw an assistant bring in the box containing the Lap-Band and I knew this was really happening. By then it was time to give me oxygen and start explaining to me that I was about to fall asleep. Then I did. And I dreamt. Of what I don't remember but I was at peace.

I woke up to a nurse gently calling out my name. I was still very groggy but she explained that surgery had lasted about an hour and everything went well. I asked about my liver and she said the doctor found it still a bit bigger than supposed to but all had went perfectly according to plans and my surgery was successful. I remember going on saying "that's good" repeatedly and saying how I was happy everything went well and that I had waited for so long for this time to come. I remember finally being able to open my eyes and keep them open and they rolled me back into my observation room where my mother was awaiting me. I was just like my 3-year-old self when I saw her face and exclaimed "mommy!". She was so proud of me and was running her hand across my head. A series of nurses tended to me to see if I was in pain and then started my 6-hour observation period. I felt some discomfort on my left shoulder pulling in from my chest. I was explained that this was due to the gas that was inserted into my abdomen to facilitate the surgery. They checked my bandages a few times and everything seemed normal. They gave me some water and I took very small sips at a time. What a relief. My throat was already dry from not drinking water and being sick but being intubated had made it all "worse". Water felt good. 

I was then in and out of consciousness. I was very sleepy and it took at least 3 hours for me to be fully awake, during all this time nurses would check up on me.

My family came to visit me and I was so happy to see them. Then came my boyfriend and it was time to get ready to go home!

Two nurses came in and showed me how to use my anticoagulants and explained the medication to take and what to expect during the first few weeks after leaving the hospital. We reviewed my diet and I was then ready to leave.

I was overjoyed. My heart could burst from joy right now. I have never felt so accomplished, so complete, so proud. I did this for me and I succeeded.

Going to bed was a tricky thing but my pain meds helped me drift to sleep. I slept 5 hours until now. This is why I am writing. 

I will be resting a lot for the next few days but I am excited to finally embark this health journey. God knows what life has planned for me as of today.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 32: the last supper

Today was the last day. Let the excitement roll in and wash over me. I had even prepared myself by bringing my anxiety pills with me at work in case of an attack. I was excited. I tried my best to focus on work and let the hours go by so I wouldn't have to think about it. And now here we are. It's 12:44am and in 6 hours I will be at the hospital checking in. I'm not nervous but I'm excited. 

I spoke to friends and family about my fear of anesthesia and all seemed very comprehensive. It actually helped me feel much better and made me dig out old tricks my psychologist had given me about the anxiety I get when I am not in control of a situation. 

My hospital bag is fully prepared. My purse and documents, and doubles (just in case!) and my medication along with anticoagulants and ready. 

The best is: I'm ready!

I want to start my new life. I want to feel alive. I want to close this chapter of my life an start a new one.

This is my moment.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 28-29-30-31: thanatophobia

Noun1.thanatophobia - a morbid fear of death 

That's what's on my mind these days. I've come to term with my operation. But the fear of losing my loved ones, the fear that I won't wake up that something will go wrong and I won't make it... That's what's on my mind. Constantly. 

It makes no sense. Sure. It's absurd. Absolutely. Everyone survives this surgery. Of course. I know all of that but my mind thinks differently. And the anxiety skyrockets and I lose it.

Yesterday was supposed to be my surgery. And when I got the call that it had to be postponed I questioned it and I didn't know why. Well I know why now. I have been sick since Friday with a cold. I'm only starting to feel better now. I had to call the nurse at the hospital to ask her if I could still get surgery on Thursday since I was sick and it all depended on if I had an infection and if my secretions cleared up. I've done everything and it's looks like I'm finally on the mend. I still have to call to confirm tomorrow. 

Apart from that the diet has been going good. Being sick meant having a very low appetite but I managed to get good foods into me (vitamin rich foods) to help me kick this cold in the gut. I made myself countless spinach salads, spinach and berry smoothies, incorporated fresh garlic in nearly everything... I had one goal in mind and it was to get back on my feet to tackle Thursday. 

That's my rational self thinking.

Then nighttime comes and it's different.

I'm not afraid of the surgery. I'm not afraid of changing. I'm not even afraid of having to inject myself with anticoagulants for a whole week. I'm afraid of going under. Afraid of anesthesia. I've had local anesthesia when I had my carpal tunnel release surgery and although I was nervous I was semi asleep so I knew I was ok in a sense. But the thought of closing my eyes and falling asleep and never waking up seizes me. I can't take it. I'm praying that they let me take something to calm me down Thursday morning or they will have to put me down. 

The thought of not getting to see everyone I love before my surgery bothers me also. It's probably what feeds my fear of "not waking up". I wish I could hug and kiss everyone before I go because once I do, I will never be the same. 

Tomorrow is my last day being me. "That's absurd Gaby come on! You're still going to be yourself you're only getting some physical alterations. Your mind will still be the same!" 

Yes that's true I guess. But the truth is I will never be the same. I won't be the plump and comfy Gaby my niece can sit on or rest her head upon. I'll get questions and looks from people who have known me for years. I'll have to explain to airport security why there is a "wire" inside my body everytime I fly. I'll have to pretend I have a child to order from the kids menu. Sure it's all for the best and this is good change. But I will forever be changed.

I have one day left. Everything is ready. My hospital bag is ready and my paperwork is pre-filled. I'm going to bed really early tomorrow to make sure I'm up early Thursday. I am trying not to think about anything because I don't want to stress about anything. I just want to reach my goal and that right now is to get the surgery done and over with and then maybe I can come to terms with change and realize that sometimes change is all we really needed.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 24-25-26-27: it's happening

I have been doing pretty good. I was able to adjust my diet to my new work schedule (10-hour shifts require more food at work less at home!) and it's been going pretty well.

I am now realizing how real it all is.

Thursday night (day 26) I had an anxiety attack. Reason? I panicked over possibly not waking up from surgery and dying. Seems absurd but that's what anxiety does: it takes over. It all started because my boyfriend is not sure to be able to get off work that day and my mind totally lost it. Completely. Anxiety takes over and you become totally disconnected from reality and rational thinking. In my mind this was the last time I was seeing him and I was going to die. When clearly it could potentially happen (we are never 100% sure how we will react to surgery and anesthesia, etc) but I will be monitored from the moment I walk in to the hospital in the morning til the moment I get out. And it's not like it's the first time they do this.

However on a lighter note today I picked up my anticoagulant. This made me realize it's really real. There are just 5 days left. I'm ready. I think? 

 I will have to inject myself once daily for 7 days to prevent any blood clots. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also coming down with a cold or something like that. I felt fine all day until my throat started feeling scratchy and now I'm coughing and my nose is leaking. Because everybody needs a cold 5 days before getting surgery in the middle of the summer right?

5 more days of dieting. It's weird. I don't know what I wil eat after surgery. I've been away from everything I would normally eat that it's weird to imagine eating anything else but Nutribar shakes. I have a feeling I will continue eating like I eat now.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 20-21-22-23: hope

I felt good today. My whole day was actually pretty good. Work was good. I was awake and "there". But I was very hungry. 

I'm still following the Nutribar shake diet and I like it however I'm having a hard time adjusting it to my new work schedule. My 8-hour shift is now a 10-hour shift. And those 2 hours make a huge difference. But I figure I'll get the hang of it soon enough. 

The past few days I felt a lot of guilt. Mainly because I gave in and ate meat (as mentioned in the past couple of posts). I felt like I failed. And it sucked. But today I noticed some more changes and that lifted my spirits up. My abdomen is "dropping".  My pants were falling and looked really loose. My shirt is more "flowey" than usual. Small changes that are hard to notice but I know they're there. So maybe I didn't fail afterall. I'll know for sure next week.

Next week. Yes. Next week. Am I excited? In a sense I suppose but it still hasn't hit me yet. Am I scared? Yes if I think about it. The thought of going under and "falling asleep" scares me the most but it's a choice I took and I leave it in the hands of God. He had this plan for me all along and I'm going to follow it til the very end. I will wake up from anesthesia and I will start a new life. I will be forever changed. 

Today I also finally let go of the idea of "hiding" my surgery. I didn't want my coworkers to know. But let's be real. Who am I kidding? I will start to change at some point and to some extent and changes will show and I'll have to face people questionning me some time or another. I cannot hide from what I stand for. 

Of course I am self conscious about the choice I made and I don't want to face criticism. Who would? In a world where we are surrounded by gym rats, fitness fanatics and countless people carrying their Blender Bottle... How is it possible not to feel judged? I don't want to be seen as "the girl who took the easy way out". That's not what this is about. I am "the girl who has been overweight her entire life, taught the wrong way about food, tried gyms, diets, excercise machines, weights, running up and down the stairs til my parents wanted to choke me". That's the girl I am. I have lived in this vessel for too long. I am not doing this to "take the easy way out". I am doing this for health. Being skinny is not something I long for. I want to be the girl in her twenties with the clear bill of health, and not the girl with hypothyroidism, clinical anxiety, depression, migraines... That's not a way to live your life. So I have come to terms that if I am willing to become healthy I need to do this. I am thinking for my future. Someday I will get married and I will want a child and I will want to bring this child into the world as healthy as possible. I will want to chase them around at the park or go ride a bike with them. I will want to practice playing soccer with them or teach them out to swim. 

What I learned from hiding is that I have deceived some people who truly love me who actually found out through other people instead of coming directly from me. It upset me that it was "going around" as this is what I wanted to avoid at all cost from the beginning. But the love and support I keep getting daily is truly overwhelming. My heart is about to burst and it brings tears to my eyes. They know it's the best thing I could ever do for myself. And I can get support from anyone. The feeling is amazing. And I love teaching and enlightening those curious about my surgery. I love that they lean something and that they understand. You never know if this is what someone they know had needed all along.

So I have decided two things: I will keep pushing til the end (8 days left!) and I will not hide and I will openly answer questions. I want to be free and if this is part of what I gambled for, then I am ready.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 19: defeat

I was having a good day today. Although I ate meat again (I promised myself I won't as of that moment) I felt good and ready to tackle the day's tasks. 

I went back on the shake diet and I was feeling happy. 

Then I get an email from my sister: the hospital called. They left a message. They have to reschedule your surgery. The surgeon has an emergency. Call them back.

My heart sank. I look at the time. 5pm. I know they're gone for the day but I try anyway. No answer. Tears are now welling up in my eyes. 4 years. I waited for 4 years and I finally get the green light, only to be stopped. I felt terrible. I know I can't give up at this point and I know it can't be that bad and most people (or all people) would just tell me to chill out. But this feels like a defeat. Waiting for 4 years, and the journey had so many bumps and so many downs that one would wonder why I persevered. 11 days left (I've been counting down religiously, crossing out each day on my calendar) and now you will possibly add more? How many? I then started crying. I bowed my head and cried quietly at my desk at work. I collect myself and keep working until my break until I call my boyfriend and the water-dam breaks. He was worried something had happened to me as I was sobbing on the phone. But he knew how to cheer me up. By reminding me everything I had gone through to attain this milestone. I can't quit. And I can certainly not make any decisions until I get to speak with the hospital. He's right. 

I finally get home and my dad makes me listen to the message. That's right. They need to push back my surgery. What am I going to tell my boss? What am I going to tell my mom who took the day off work specifically for my surgery? I run up to my room and call my mom.

Well it turns out the hospital called her too. I guess because I put her down as the person accompanying me the day of the surgery. She had a conversation with the secretary and confirmed my new surgery date for august 7th, 3 days later. I take in everything my mom is telling me and I appreciate that she even took to my defence when the secretary told her. I apologize to her and she's all relaxed and already switched her vacation day and does everything to alleviate my anxiety. It worked. 

It's only 3 more days and it was meant to be. Maybe to make up for the "meatscapades"? Who knows. I know that starting immediately I'm following this diet straighter than an arrow! Not that I was doing anything so wrong it was totally jeopardizing my surgery but I know I can put back in all the effort I had put at the beginning. 

So let's calm down. Take a deep breath. It will all be ok. I get surgery on august 7th. That's how it's going to be. Everything will work out just fine. 

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 16-18: meat, meat, meat...

I have to find a way to stop craving meat! It seems so simple: don't eat meat! But to be honest... It's so hard! What is wrong with me? 

That's my only cheat. Meat. I don't cheat by eating junk. I don't chest by eating breakfast at Tim Horton's... I cheat by eating meat. Not just any meat because I know I have to be careful with fat and carbs. So far I have been eating beef jerky. It "says" it has no fat. I don't know about that I mean I know the meat is cooked and smoked to a crisp but still... 

And just thinking about it right now makes me hungry. 

I've been doing really well. I have been following my diet, eating my fruits and veggies (and eating a bit more of them if I am still hungry) and I make a big effort to try and respect the portions as much as possible (it's not always easy to measure a cup of a certain fruit or of veggies!) but I try my best. 

This thing with meat though... It has to stop! I know I'm not supposed to eat meat because of the protein... But I don't know what to do! It drives me insane! If I don't have it my mind won't stop racing. It's like a shark that smells blood... I feel crazy.

Otherwise everything else is good. I feel good most days (except today because I need to get some sleep). There's 11 days left until my surgery. I am so excited but yet so scared. And mostly worried. If you tell me to be careful or else my actions may cause consequences then I will obsess about it until I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well since we told me that if my liver doesn't shrink I won't get operated now I'm freaking out about that. Of course I don't want that to happen! I waited 4 years for this and I'm not about to throw it all away because I'm weak! Well I'm not weak but you understand what I mean... This "diet" is more than just in preparation of my surgery. It's about self-control, respect for yourself but mostly about learning how your own body works. I never truly understood what "being hungry" meant. Until now. 

And now back to me freaking out. And wanting to eat meat. I'm truly worried that my "meatscapades" (like my new word?) are jeopardizing my surgery. And I KNOOOOW I have to stop it right now. But I can't. I cannot live without eating meat. I truly believe that my body does not function properly without it. Having a hard-boiled egg and a protein shake does not satisfy me. I need the real stuff! (Gosh I sound like a drug addict!)

So onto day 19. I don't get the chance to update every single day as often as I wish. I also stopped posting my days worth of foods because it became repetitive. I am always eating the same things over and over again... One thing I know for sure is that I'm a shake gal. I tried doing the Protilife foods today for a change but nope. Didn't work out. I did what I wanted today. 

Here's what I had: (and it's not the way to go!)

Breakfast: nothing. 

Early snack/just got to work: 

-2 baby bel cheese

-2 pepperoni sticks

-2 packs of jack link's original beef jerky (yes that much. I'm not kidding when I say I need meat)

Snack:

-Protilife chocolate and cream bar

-grapes with cheese (from work cafeteria)

-small salad (about 2 cups) mixed spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, sliced black olives with lemon juice

Lunch:

-Protilife chicken noodle soup (...)

-cheese and grapes from work

Supper/snack (it gets confusing at times):

-1 portion low-fat mozzarella 

-1 portion of cherries

-1 tbsp goat cheese (garlic & herbs) (was meant to be used with rhubard but I forgot out sour that tasted so I ate the cheese on its own)

I'm curious to see what my Fitness Pal has to say about my victorious (sarcasm) day.

By the way... I had to go back in and add stuff. Why am I trying to hide something? It's not benefitin anyone or anything. I can make mistakes right? It's so childish. This is something I developed as a kid. Being an overweight kid with parents watching your every move, I always had to "hide" or find ways to "sneak" and lie about food. It's horrible. I remember growing up there was a little girl who came up on the Maury Show for hiding bacon in her purse. I laughed with everyone but I always had this thought in the back of my mind... I'm just like her. I used to hide Ficello cheese strings in my pjs before going to bed. Or I would take the opportunity of being alone to eat anything I could find before I wasn't alone anymore. It makes me sad that although we "tried" to get me to learn about eating healthy by enrolling me in gyms and going to see nutritionists and dieticians... I was never taught to understand my body and why it really needs food. My parents did all they could and I know that. I know my mom blames herself. So does my dad. But the real problem wasn't eating. The problem was in my head and how distorted my perception of hunger and food being body fuel really was. It's just that. Plain and simple. Food is to our bodies like gas is to a car. Try overfilling your car with gas. Have fun paying for the spill. It's the same principle. Except that the currency to this spill was life experiences, good times I missed out on in my life. Lack of confidence and low self esteem. Body image issues, and even for a while bulimia. I found a pleasure in eating that I could also find in "relieving" myself. Hard day at school? Throw up. Overate? Throw up. Parents grounded me? Throw up. I've developed severe anxiety as of age 13 or 14. And every night I couldn't go to sleep because of it. My parents bought me tea, relaxation CDs... But nothing helped more than throwing up. After I did I could go sleep perfectly fine. 

That time of my life was tough for me as a teen. So I won't go there because it's way off subject already. But I realize that food and I always had a rocky relationship. It was all about listening! Listening to my body tell me "feed me I'm bored!" or "feed me or I won't be able to reach my goals throughout my tasks at work!" 

I am in no way a pro at all this. I get amazed at some people on Instagram posting their well elaborated lunched, all weighed and sliced to the square centimetre and packed up in these "coolers" because really there is no normal lunchbox that could contain so much stuff. I'm a learning in progress. One thing I know is that I am the captain of that ship that is my body. There's no one there telling me "don't eat it!" anymore. I have to take on that responsibility. 

My goal for the next few days is to TRY to stay away from crack. I mean meat. :)

I want to write more. And I NEED TO TAKE THOSE BEFORE PICTURES FOR CRYING OUTLOUD! (Sister is gonna be busy tomorrow night!)

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 10-15: excited

I am feeling really excited. I am already seeing results with the diet! (Happy dance)

It isn't easy every day but I do my very best. I trip and fall but I always get back up. 

I've been getting meat cravings but I found that if I eat my shake I feel better. I've had meat a few times now (I'll opt for beef jerky as it has no fat and low calories, although sodium is pretty high) and it usually helps. 

I was bad this weekend though. Friday I went shopping without eating breakfast before leaving so I tried to tough it out til I couldn't anymore and I found a coffee shop that had a container of watermelon pieces. I had that with a homemade lemonade. It didn't taste sweet but it was really good!

I then went out with my boyfriend and he was eating McDonald's (and it smelled good) but I didn't order anything. I had a bite of a few fries (I know it's bad but it was just that one time!). 

Other than that we went to a farmers' market on Saturday morning and I stocked up on fruits and veggies that I love. I ate lots of fruit this weekend so I hope I didn't unbalance my sugars (and hope it doesn't affect my liver!). I found delicious blueberries and strawberries! My family and I almost finished the entire box in a day!

I'm feeling good though. I've been doing the shake diet everyday. I find it's the one that gives me more "freedom" and variety. I'm comfortable with having one shake for each meal, or skipping my lunch shake and swapping it for my fruit and veggies and then taking a double shake for dinner. So far this satisfies me the most. I just wish I had thought of that before spending over $100 on Protilife food. I will still use it up after my surgery as I won't be able to eat as much so the portions will be perfect. 

Going back to my family noticing I lost weight: how rewarding! I think it's an added bonus to the diet, as it's main purpose is to shrink the liver and not to make you lose weight but hey! It works that way so I can't complain! I did notice myself that I lost on my chest, face and hips. My mother-in-law made me realize that I was starting to have a shape around my waist and hips. And it's true! I can put my hands on my hips! My chest was the first area I noticed to have gone down... The girls are playing flappy bird hahaha! Just kidding... But my chest is going down and I can press directly on my sternum. I am starting to slightly notice my collar bone (which I haven't seen since I was a child!) and my cheek bones. I feel great! I'm really getting excited now, as I have done 15 days and have just 14 to go. I'm going to be busy with work and taking life a day at a time. It's going to pass by so fast. I'm really excited.

I'm proud of what I am achieving and all I have overcome. I am happy that I keep my head up and take challenges daily as they come towards me. I feel blessed to have such amazing family and close loved ones who support and cheer for me. I am so lucky to have all this support, especially on days when it's harder than others. I get to embark on this journey and I get to really start living. I have never felt so alive. When I thought I finally overcame depression and found a purpose in life, I never envisioned that life could get as good and fulfilling as it is this very day. It is very rewarding and very overwhelming to feel so empowered and so blissful. I wish this feeling to everyone possible. I don't know how life can get better than this.

gabythegirlnextdoor