Ok so I should already be in bed by now, possibly trying to fall asleep... My meds have kicked in long ago but I am fighting them... Not good. I am exhausted, but I have so much on my chest...
I am scared.. Scared that I am slipping away, again... Like last year. It feels like forever ago, and I really don't want to go back on what happened... but mostly I don't want to go back to feeling that way again at all.
I am feeling really low. I feel like I need a good cheerer-upper... Mostly, I miss my friends. All of them. I don't feel like I have any at the moment. Well, that's certainly not true. I just feel.. lonely. And the worst part is I don't feel like doing anything. Just the thought of having to go out or having someone come over to see me freaks me out. I feel lonely but I really don't want to socialize. Weird? Tell me about it...
I miss my best friend. My Siamese twin. Matias. He's so far away, and we don't talk so much anymore, other than game requests or little comments on Facebook. I really miss him.
I also miss my sister. I miss her to death. Living at my parents, I was so used to having her around. I'd be waking up in the morning to see her looking through my stuff or checking in to see if I was up yet. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. She's the cutest. Although we are 12 years apart, it feels like we grew up as twins. I always shared everything with her, no matter her age. She's a heck of a smart kid. I love her to pieces.
I don't know what I need. I feel lost, I feel like I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing... I feel like I must operate this body and this brain but I've got no clue how to operate the switches and gauges.
Just so much is going on, then at the same time my life is as boring as a watching grass grow. I don't know where to turn first, where to start...
I think I need to relax, but I don't know how. I mean, I know how, but I don't know if I have it in me at the moment.
Right now, all I know is I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm not looking forward to a full week of work AT ALL. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel lonely. I need a hug from my boyfriend but he's sleeping like a log. I am now trembling because I am still cold (landlord did not put the heating on in the vacant apartment downstairs.....). I wish the day was longer than 24 hours. I wish I could remember the random words that pop up in my head to try to find a meaning in them. I'm thinking I'm crazy. I'm now thinking I might be crazy but at least I'm something. I'm thinking this has got to stop and I must go to bed.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Blue post
So I haven't posted anything in over two weeks. A few things happened, some good and some bad.
I was sick for a week, Jason for two. It was a shopping spree at the drugstore for cold medicine and then for Pepto-Bismol and gravol.
The good news: healthwise, I'm feeling better.
Then came Marley. I don't even want to write about him because it hurts and I'm afraid that one day when I read my blog it will hurt again.
Marley is the shih-tzu puppy we adopted at thebeginning of October. He is one of the 5 puppy litter born in May 2011 to my mother's dog Pouf (Lhasa Apso) and her neighbor's female Shih tzu.
Marley was the only puppy my mother got and she decided to give him to a lady living under her apartment to keep her company. After she moved and realized she could no longer care for him, Jason and I decided to adopt him.
So Marley came in on Sunday the 2nd of October and adapted pretty well to his new environment. He made himself a spot on the couch to sleep on, knew which item to grab with his mouth to have us chase him, hadhis potty schedule and his little nook under the to sleep quietly or hide.
However since Marley is 5 months old, he is still a bit insecure and suffers from separation anxiety. I tried to teach him it was ok to be alone and tested him a few times. Hours at a time, he would remain in the bedroo
and whine for a few minutes and then remained quiet. I rewarded him with his favorite: sweet potato stick wrapped in duck jerky.
We decided it would be safe enough to go out Saturday night for a birthday party and leave the dog home alone, considering he had done so well. We were coming back home in a few hours.
It's 11pm when we get home and someone knocks at the door. Crap. The neighbor. Well the dog spent the entire time crying and he got fed up so he called the landlord a few times, which in return called herself a few times and left messages.
Speaking to the landlord, Jason tells her we are babysitting the puppy for a few days. She tells him the dog can't stay because our lease states no animals allowed. Funny since that exact neighbor has 4 cats, but whatever.
My mother picked up Marley the next morning, along with all his "stuff". It's been real hard on me. The worst is that he is not adjusting to the change well at all. Marley is housetrained so he sits in front of the door for you to know he's gotta go. He did his business all over my mom's floor all day today and keeps crying. My heart is litterally broken into millions of pieces. It hurts to know he's unhappy because of this. I feel like shit. I got attached to quickly, got usedto our little routine so easily and it really feels like something is missing. I come home and there's nothing to dodge when walking through the door frame. There's no one jumping of joy when I come home. There's no Meatloaf Marley (nickname Jason had given him) to take for a walk at night. The worst: noone sleeping at the end of my bed, waiting for me to get up and play to start the day. Gone.
Some might think it's stupid. But Marley was all I was looking for in a long time. Unconditional love, other than the relationship I have with my human family and boyfriend. Marley was the happiest thing in the world when he saw me come home and it made me feel good. I felt loved. I miss him so much. I wish I could have him right here, sleeping in that little space between my boyfriend and I, making himself comfortable on my bed.
But Marley couldn't stay. I understand why. I also understand that i am giving him the opportunity to have a better life and maybe a house with a big backyard where he could chase squirrels without being tied to a leash.
I miss him. I love him. Very very much. He made me feel alive and important while I was his owner.
I was sick for a week, Jason for two. It was a shopping spree at the drugstore for cold medicine and then for Pepto-Bismol and gravol.
The good news: healthwise, I'm feeling better.
Then came Marley. I don't even want to write about him because it hurts and I'm afraid that one day when I read my blog it will hurt again.
Marley is the shih-tzu puppy we adopted at thebeginning of October. He is one of the 5 puppy litter born in May 2011 to my mother's dog Pouf (Lhasa Apso) and her neighbor's female Shih tzu.
Marley was the only puppy my mother got and she decided to give him to a lady living under her apartment to keep her company. After she moved and realized she could no longer care for him, Jason and I decided to adopt him.
So Marley came in on Sunday the 2nd of October and adapted pretty well to his new environment. He made himself a spot on the couch to sleep on, knew which item to grab with his mouth to have us chase him, hadhis potty schedule and his little nook under the to sleep quietly or hide.
However since Marley is 5 months old, he is still a bit insecure and suffers from separation anxiety. I tried to teach him it was ok to be alone and tested him a few times. Hours at a time, he would remain in the bedroo
and whine for a few minutes and then remained quiet. I rewarded him with his favorite: sweet potato stick wrapped in duck jerky.
We decided it would be safe enough to go out Saturday night for a birthday party and leave the dog home alone, considering he had done so well. We were coming back home in a few hours.
It's 11pm when we get home and someone knocks at the door. Crap. The neighbor. Well the dog spent the entire time crying and he got fed up so he called the landlord a few times, which in return called herself a few times and left messages.
Speaking to the landlord, Jason tells her we are babysitting the puppy for a few days. She tells him the dog can't stay because our lease states no animals allowed. Funny since that exact neighbor has 4 cats, but whatever.
My mother picked up Marley the next morning, along with all his "stuff". It's been real hard on me. The worst is that he is not adjusting to the change well at all. Marley is housetrained so he sits in front of the door for you to know he's gotta go. He did his business all over my mom's floor all day today and keeps crying. My heart is litterally broken into millions of pieces. It hurts to know he's unhappy because of this. I feel like shit. I got attached to quickly, got usedto our little routine so easily and it really feels like something is missing. I come home and there's nothing to dodge when walking through the door frame. There's no one jumping of joy when I come home. There's no Meatloaf Marley (nickname Jason had given him) to take for a walk at night. The worst: noone sleeping at the end of my bed, waiting for me to get up and play to start the day. Gone.
Some might think it's stupid. But Marley was all I was looking for in a long time. Unconditional love, other than the relationship I have with my human family and boyfriend. Marley was the happiest thing in the world when he saw me come home and it made me feel good. I felt loved. I miss him so much. I wish I could have him right here, sleeping in that little space between my boyfriend and I, making himself comfortable on my bed.
But Marley couldn't stay. I understand why. I also understand that i am giving him the opportunity to have a better life and maybe a house with a big backyard where he could chase squirrels without being tied to a leash.
I miss him. I love him. Very very much. He made me feel alive and important while I was his owner.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
These are a few of my favorite things...
Here is a list of things I love the most:
- Hair product: Fructis Sleek&Shine Leave-In conditioning cream. Leaves your hair smooth and frizz-free. I have curly/wavy hair and it always makes my hair look amazing, without forgetting the delicious apricot smell... $4.00 at the pharmacy/drugstore.
- Face cleanser: Bioré triple action astringen. What I was looking for my entire life was for something that wouldn't leave my skin feeling burned and tough after use. I found Bioré leaves your skin clean and fresh, without making your face feel tight. It doesn't have that strong alcohol smell and actually smells like sweet watermelon when it dries. About $15.00$ at the pharmacy/drugstore and it will last you a very long time.
- Nail Polish: Revlon Nail Enamel. Dries super fast, 2 coats will do the trick. They have new colors every season and are usually on sale every 4 months at my local pharmacy. $4.99 regular price, usually less than $3.00 when on sale. Favorite colors: Sheer Pink, Strawberry Electric, Chocolate Truffle, Devilish Red.
- Nail Polish: Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear. I love the colors offered in this nail polish. The one on the left is Rockstar Pink. As you can see, its an explosion of glitters in pink, blue, gold, silver, purple and read. Only thing I dislike is that I love to put 3 coats of it but it makes it chip easily. However for the price, I can't complaint. $3.39 at the pharmacy/drugstore. I bought mine on sale at Walmart at $1.99 in July. Favorite colors: Rockstar Pink, Pumpkin Spice, Gunmetal, Celeb City.
- Body Lotion: St-Ives Cucumber Melon body lotion. I love love love this body lotion. I started getting these pump-bottles for Christmas from my mother-in-law and she really knows what I like. I got this one last Christmas and still have at least half a bottle left. It applies so easily and dries really quickly, making your skin feel nice and smooth and super moisturized. Unlike other body lotions, St-Ives does not leave you with the feeling of having greasy layer on your skin. I can put it on right after taking a shower and put on my clothes without tugging and pulling since like I said previously, it dries really quickly! $4.99 for 532 mL at Walmart, could be pricier elsewhere.
- Body Spray: Victoria Secret Pure Seduction. This also was a Christmas gift from my mother-in-law. I love it. It smells so good, a mix of berries and flowers. My boyfriend loves this body spray. He finds it smells like candies! Can be bought online at VictoriaSecret.com or at La Senza for about $30.00 with a body butter.
- Perfume: Versace Bright Crystal. I got this perfume from my bestfriend on my 18th birthday and since then, it has become my favorite. Reviews say:"Bright Crystal is a fresh, sensual blend of refreshing chilled yuzu and pomegranate mingled with soothing blossoms of peony, magnolia, and lotus flower, warmed with notes of musk and amber." I say it smells awesome that's all. You can really feel like the most confident girl in the world wearing this perfume day and night. $80.00 the 3oz bottle at the pharmacy and most perfume outlets.
I will try to keep updating in the next couple of weeks, if I think of more of my favorite things!
Friday, September 30, 2011
My demons
You can't run, you can't hide... Can't lie either. Everyone's got demons. Skeletons in their closets.
Mine aren't so bad I guess, come to think of it. They're just embarassing sometimes.
This year marks the one year milestone since I was diagnosed with depression paired with severe anxiety. I never thought I would have mental problems. I was embarrassed at first but am not so much anymore. Psychiatric problems are very common, many people around the world suffer from some sort of psychiatric or psychological illness.
I feel much better now, if you were wondering. I do not feel the way I did a year ago anymore but I still have to take medication. It's nothing too strong but good enough to give me the sleep I need and get me going in the day.
What embarassed me the most last year was my frequent visits to the Douglas Mental Health Institute... I mean, we all know what this hospital represents... And being refferred to the Douglas made me feel really self conscious. But you need to take a step back and see that prejudice and ignorance forms your ideas and presumptions about mental health, when in fact it is just as normal to meet a psychiatrist for depression as it is to see a medical doctor for your tonsils.
I don't exactly know how long I must take the medication, wether it is for life or if one day my doctor will gradually make me get off them. One thing I know for sure is I will never beat myself up again and delay myself from seeking help. I also hope, of course, that one day I could live my life like I use to, medication free.
Mine aren't so bad I guess, come to think of it. They're just embarassing sometimes.
This year marks the one year milestone since I was diagnosed with depression paired with severe anxiety. I never thought I would have mental problems. I was embarrassed at first but am not so much anymore. Psychiatric problems are very common, many people around the world suffer from some sort of psychiatric or psychological illness.
I feel much better now, if you were wondering. I do not feel the way I did a year ago anymore but I still have to take medication. It's nothing too strong but good enough to give me the sleep I need and get me going in the day.
What embarassed me the most last year was my frequent visits to the Douglas Mental Health Institute... I mean, we all know what this hospital represents... And being refferred to the Douglas made me feel really self conscious. But you need to take a step back and see that prejudice and ignorance forms your ideas and presumptions about mental health, when in fact it is just as normal to meet a psychiatrist for depression as it is to see a medical doctor for your tonsils.
I don't exactly know how long I must take the medication, wether it is for life or if one day my doctor will gradually make me get off them. One thing I know for sure is I will never beat myself up again and delay myself from seeking help. I also hope, of course, that one day I could live my life like I use to, medication free.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Decisions decisions...
Wow today was really.... Interesting!
I'll start by the beginning I guess!
So I left this morning, with a bus and metro schedule to follow in order to go meet the surgeon. I get to the metro 25 minutes before the bus leaves so I decide to kill some time and go to the bank. I then realize I don't have my frigging wallet with me!!! Now I'm thinking dammit the hospital is going to charge me because I don't have my health card and I really don't feel like paying that right now even if the RAMQ reimburses you. I call my mom, whom I know will probably stress out for me more than I should be stressed myself ( must I not mention the time she drove me all the way to the airport and left back home when she had to drive right back to the airport to bring me my wallet because I had no I.D. or money on me?!?!?)
Yeah, I drive my mom nuts. But hey, she still loves me just the same! Hehe.
Ok back to my story. So my mom elaborates a scenario about her knowing my health card number by heart (really mom?? After 22 years? Pretty cool mom huh?) and that they could charge her credit card and so on. I'm like "Listen, let me call the hospital, and go to the bank while I'm at it. I've got to try and convince a teller that I am who I am only with my work I.D. and then figure the whole mess I'm about to throw myself into with a hospital in what seems to me like the boonies".
Call the hospital, I'm on hold actually for long enough that I can cross 2 street lights and do the whole shabang with the bank to finally get someone who thinks I'm crazy and tells me " but Ma'am, the doctor does not have an office here, he doesn't have patients come here, you must go all the way the actual clinic. Here is the number good bye".
Frigging awesome at this point. 30 minutes before my appointment,I'm in ville saint-laurent and now I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna get over there in so little time. I call and tell the receptionist my entire story, not blaming her if she thinks I'm a lunatic. Turns out they're next to metro l'Acadie. Great! (where the f*@% is that) but the word metro reassures me.
Back in du college, I assume I can't go wrong going towards snowdon. Get on the blue line (honestly how often do you think a suburbs girl goes there after moving out of her parents' house?) Must I mention I'm holding on to my purse with my life, being the paranoid idiot that I am ?
I get to l'Acadie, 10 second bus ride to Rockland and we're here. Great.
Now here comes the best part.
So I meet the doctor. I sit down. What follows happens in a span of 15 minutes. Be asks me my height, my weight, my doctor's note. Shows me a picture on a poster on the wall showing the procedure. He then explains a nurse will contact me soon to book an appointment.
TADAM!!!
I leave with his business card, reminding myself to fax a copy of my health card to his secretary.
I thought that going through all this, I'd feel like it was worth it. I honestly don't. Not only did the doctor tell me he does not recommend I get the lapband but he also said the operation would not happen before 24 months.
The delay isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that I'm back at square one. I was comfortable with the idea of a safe, non invasive and not necessarily permanent solution. He really burst my bubble by telling me he recommends something different and something irreversible.
I was ok with it when he mentionned it but come to think of it, I'm not.
I'm ready for a second opinion. If not, I'm thinking of starting over and doing this the hard way. I don't really want to be cut open to fix my problem. I just want to be healthy.
I'll start by the beginning I guess!
So I left this morning, with a bus and metro schedule to follow in order to go meet the surgeon. I get to the metro 25 minutes before the bus leaves so I decide to kill some time and go to the bank. I then realize I don't have my frigging wallet with me!!! Now I'm thinking dammit the hospital is going to charge me because I don't have my health card and I really don't feel like paying that right now even if the RAMQ reimburses you. I call my mom, whom I know will probably stress out for me more than I should be stressed myself ( must I not mention the time she drove me all the way to the airport and left back home when she had to drive right back to the airport to bring me my wallet because I had no I.D. or money on me?!?!?)
Yeah, I drive my mom nuts. But hey, she still loves me just the same! Hehe.
Ok back to my story. So my mom elaborates a scenario about her knowing my health card number by heart (really mom?? After 22 years? Pretty cool mom huh?) and that they could charge her credit card and so on. I'm like "Listen, let me call the hospital, and go to the bank while I'm at it. I've got to try and convince a teller that I am who I am only with my work I.D. and then figure the whole mess I'm about to throw myself into with a hospital in what seems to me like the boonies".
Call the hospital, I'm on hold actually for long enough that I can cross 2 street lights and do the whole shabang with the bank to finally get someone who thinks I'm crazy and tells me " but Ma'am, the doctor does not have an office here, he doesn't have patients come here, you must go all the way the actual clinic. Here is the number good bye".
Frigging awesome at this point. 30 minutes before my appointment,I'm in ville saint-laurent and now I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna get over there in so little time. I call and tell the receptionist my entire story, not blaming her if she thinks I'm a lunatic. Turns out they're next to metro l'Acadie. Great! (where the f*@% is that) but the word metro reassures me.
Back in du college, I assume I can't go wrong going towards snowdon. Get on the blue line (honestly how often do you think a suburbs girl goes there after moving out of her parents' house?) Must I mention I'm holding on to my purse with my life, being the paranoid idiot that I am ?
I get to l'Acadie, 10 second bus ride to Rockland and we're here. Great.
Now here comes the best part.
So I meet the doctor. I sit down. What follows happens in a span of 15 minutes. Be asks me my height, my weight, my doctor's note. Shows me a picture on a poster on the wall showing the procedure. He then explains a nurse will contact me soon to book an appointment.
TADAM!!!
I leave with his business card, reminding myself to fax a copy of my health card to his secretary.
I thought that going through all this, I'd feel like it was worth it. I honestly don't. Not only did the doctor tell me he does not recommend I get the lapband but he also said the operation would not happen before 24 months.
The delay isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that I'm back at square one. I was comfortable with the idea of a safe, non invasive and not necessarily permanent solution. He really burst my bubble by telling me he recommends something different and something irreversible.
I was ok with it when he mentionned it but come to think of it, I'm not.
I'm ready for a second opinion. If not, I'm thinking of starting over and doing this the hard way. I don't really want to be cut open to fix my problem. I just want to be healthy.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Big day-part 1 (Hopital Sacré-Coeur / Dr Atlas)
So day 1 has arrived... Crazy how time flies by!
I've got my first appointment with the first surgeon, Dr Atlas at sacré-coeur hospital in Ville Saint-Laurent tomorrow! I'm excited, nervous and a bit anxious just because I don't really know what to expect. I've been waiting for this day for nearly 6 months... I've been thinking about it, planning about it for all this time and it's finally here! I can't wait to find out the only thing everyone is eager to find out when getting this surgery: the operation date.
I'm curious to find out how much longer must I wait... I know it can't be done overnight, and I'm glad I have to wait a certain time mostly because I want to feel prepared, ready for the change. I want to feel confident that I am mentally and physically prepared to modify my habits and to undergo such a lifechanging experience.
I never imagined this would ever happen. Sure, when I would sign my membership at a gym and get on a threadmill I would imagine myself skinnier, shopping for new clothes... But I wouldn't realize that not only my body couldn't take what I was trying so hard to have it do but I was going about it all wrong. I was going to the gym to force my body to do down in mass without being realistic about it. My problem was food. And I now realize that not only can food be my problem, but motivation and setting goals was not my strength.
I've got something to look forward to: health. I don't care too much about being skinny, I probably never will be. But I have a goal and my mind is set on reaching it. I want to be healthy, I want to lower, if not completely eliminate my risks of getting diabetes or heart problems. I want to be active, and not have to feel like a couch potato. But mostly, I think of my future. 10 years from now, when I have children, I want them to have a healthy and active lifestyle. I want them to understand that once you have health you can have everything.
I'm glad that thinking back, to my images of myself skinny and shopping for new clothes while walking on a threadmill are now replaced by myself hiking up a mountain or running after my nephews in a park. I'm glad I found the right reasons to want to lose weight. I wish I could have been motivated sooner.
I'm really excited to know what's next for myself. I'm actually proud of myself, for the little accomplishment i've done so far.
I've got my first appointment with the first surgeon, Dr Atlas at sacré-coeur hospital in Ville Saint-Laurent tomorrow! I'm excited, nervous and a bit anxious just because I don't really know what to expect. I've been waiting for this day for nearly 6 months... I've been thinking about it, planning about it for all this time and it's finally here! I can't wait to find out the only thing everyone is eager to find out when getting this surgery: the operation date.
I'm curious to find out how much longer must I wait... I know it can't be done overnight, and I'm glad I have to wait a certain time mostly because I want to feel prepared, ready for the change. I want to feel confident that I am mentally and physically prepared to modify my habits and to undergo such a lifechanging experience.
I never imagined this would ever happen. Sure, when I would sign my membership at a gym and get on a threadmill I would imagine myself skinnier, shopping for new clothes... But I wouldn't realize that not only my body couldn't take what I was trying so hard to have it do but I was going about it all wrong. I was going to the gym to force my body to do down in mass without being realistic about it. My problem was food. And I now realize that not only can food be my problem, but motivation and setting goals was not my strength.
I've got something to look forward to: health. I don't care too much about being skinny, I probably never will be. But I have a goal and my mind is set on reaching it. I want to be healthy, I want to lower, if not completely eliminate my risks of getting diabetes or heart problems. I want to be active, and not have to feel like a couch potato. But mostly, I think of my future. 10 years from now, when I have children, I want them to have a healthy and active lifestyle. I want them to understand that once you have health you can have everything.
I'm glad that thinking back, to my images of myself skinny and shopping for new clothes while walking on a threadmill are now replaced by myself hiking up a mountain or running after my nephews in a park. I'm glad I found the right reasons to want to lose weight. I wish I could have been motivated sooner.
I'm really excited to know what's next for myself. I'm actually proud of myself, for the little accomplishment i've done so far.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
New beginnings
So a few new things happened since the last time I wrote...
I saw my family doctor for the last time before I meet with both surgeons and we took an appointment in December to follow up on the two appointments.
On a not-so-exciting note, I gained weight... 14lbs to be exact :( guess the feeling I had of fitting better in my jeans was an illusion :( oh well...
Other than that, I am going to start cutting down my portions, unecessary fats and oils and sugars in preparation to the diet I will have to follow the months before the surgery. My first step will be to cut on soft drinks and sugary drinks, opting for water (which I already drink about 1 to 1.5L a day) or milk or pure orange juice. I am increasing my fiber intake by eating more fruits and veggies. But the hardest part will surely be cutting on bread. Pasta isn't so bad since I eat about a cup of it in a meal, but I looooooove my white bread... However, I won't cut it off completely I will do it gradually, opting for whole wheat or multigrain bread for a sandwich and I'll keep the white bread exclusively for my toasts (not ready to say goodbye to my Italiano toasts in the morning... Yum)
On a lighter note, I am pretty excited about the next couple of months! I have decided that after 4 years of absence I will be going back to school! University to be more precise... And I'm going to start by enrolling into 1 class to test the waters and see how it goes ( wouldn't want to ruin the experience by beating myself with a heavy workload, considering I will be keeping my fulltime work schedule).
Aside from all of this, I am preparing myself financially for my future projects, concentrating more on myself and what I want, rather than worrying about pleasing others.
I will keep posting updates, my next one should be after my appointment with Dr.Atlas on the 26th!!!
I saw my family doctor for the last time before I meet with both surgeons and we took an appointment in December to follow up on the two appointments.
On a not-so-exciting note, I gained weight... 14lbs to be exact :( guess the feeling I had of fitting better in my jeans was an illusion :( oh well...
Other than that, I am going to start cutting down my portions, unecessary fats and oils and sugars in preparation to the diet I will have to follow the months before the surgery. My first step will be to cut on soft drinks and sugary drinks, opting for water (which I already drink about 1 to 1.5L a day) or milk or pure orange juice. I am increasing my fiber intake by eating more fruits and veggies. But the hardest part will surely be cutting on bread. Pasta isn't so bad since I eat about a cup of it in a meal, but I looooooove my white bread... However, I won't cut it off completely I will do it gradually, opting for whole wheat or multigrain bread for a sandwich and I'll keep the white bread exclusively for my toasts (not ready to say goodbye to my Italiano toasts in the morning... Yum)
On a lighter note, I am pretty excited about the next couple of months! I have decided that after 4 years of absence I will be going back to school! University to be more precise... And I'm going to start by enrolling into 1 class to test the waters and see how it goes ( wouldn't want to ruin the experience by beating myself with a heavy workload, considering I will be keeping my fulltime work schedule).
Aside from all of this, I am preparing myself financially for my future projects, concentrating more on myself and what I want, rather than worrying about pleasing others.
I will keep posting updates, my next one should be after my appointment with Dr.Atlas on the 26th!!!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wake me up when September ends...
The day I dread the most is almost at my door... The day my world turned upside down. September 13th 2006, a 17-year old version of me, still a child, saw what no one should ever see.
I can't believe 5 years went by already. It all seems like a blur, a bad dream I woke up from and that I'm trying to shake away. One day, and nearly just 60 minutes of it, that turned me upside down and completely altered me.
I do not recognize the person I was after the events. I honestly thank God for giving me the strength to live, even if I didn't want to anymore. No one realizes just how much anything can affect a person. For such a long time, I wished I could be like the other people I knew and just stop thinking about it, stop remembering it, stop obsessing about it. I couldn't. I envied those to who it didn't hurt like it hurt me. I was trapped with myself in my head, with social workers who didn't know how to handle it and who wanted to sympathize and who really tried their best at it, but who had no idea of what I saw and heard and felt. I was trapped in my head with family that wanted to support me and wanted to help me but didn't know how and they didn't know why I couldn't speak and why I wouldn't express how I felt.
Five years have past and I would like to believe that I am healed. But I have my moments, just like anyone, where I break down and remember everything, like a horror movie rolling in the back of your eyes.
But with the years I learned that I can be strong, I can will myself to be strong. I don't have to live with so much sadness and fright and pain on my shoulders. I can breathe. I can live and laugh and love just the same. But I can also cry. I am human. I lived what no 17-year old should ever live. I have seen with my own eyes wasted blood and tears in a place that should be sacred and peaceful for the teenager I was. I've seen chaos, I've been scared for my life, for the life of those who I loved, for the life of strangers. I've been afraid that I would never see my Mom and Dad again.
But I survived.
Five years went by, and I am living my life with the people I love, doing the things that I love. I can breathe again. I got the chance that others maybe didn't get.
Time flies, and although memories fade, they never go away...
I can't believe 5 years went by already. It all seems like a blur, a bad dream I woke up from and that I'm trying to shake away. One day, and nearly just 60 minutes of it, that turned me upside down and completely altered me.
I do not recognize the person I was after the events. I honestly thank God for giving me the strength to live, even if I didn't want to anymore. No one realizes just how much anything can affect a person. For such a long time, I wished I could be like the other people I knew and just stop thinking about it, stop remembering it, stop obsessing about it. I couldn't. I envied those to who it didn't hurt like it hurt me. I was trapped with myself in my head, with social workers who didn't know how to handle it and who wanted to sympathize and who really tried their best at it, but who had no idea of what I saw and heard and felt. I was trapped in my head with family that wanted to support me and wanted to help me but didn't know how and they didn't know why I couldn't speak and why I wouldn't express how I felt.
Five years have past and I would like to believe that I am healed. But I have my moments, just like anyone, where I break down and remember everything, like a horror movie rolling in the back of your eyes.
But with the years I learned that I can be strong, I can will myself to be strong. I don't have to live with so much sadness and fright and pain on my shoulders. I can breathe. I can live and laugh and love just the same. But I can also cry. I am human. I lived what no 17-year old should ever live. I have seen with my own eyes wasted blood and tears in a place that should be sacred and peaceful for the teenager I was. I've seen chaos, I've been scared for my life, for the life of those who I loved, for the life of strangers. I've been afraid that I would never see my Mom and Dad again.
But I survived.
Five years went by, and I am living my life with the people I love, doing the things that I love. I can breathe again. I got the chance that others maybe didn't get.
Time flies, and although memories fade, they never go away...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New appointment - Patience is key
Today I booked an appointment with a different doctor, Dr. Leclerc at Hotel Dieu hospital in Montreal for the 14th of December. I am still keeping my other appointment, just in case, however I have a feeling that this doctor would be my best option. He only performs the Lap Band surgery, therefore the patient rotation is quicker and waiting time is reduced. I could, possibly, get operated within less than a year, maybe 5 to 6 months.
So I have to be patient. I have my first appointment in September, let's start with this, and I've got the other one in December. I'm going to take it a day at a time, not rush into anything and keep myself calm. I've been feeling really anxious these days from all the information that's been fed to me, I need to relax for a bit.
I met a lot of interesting and inspiring people on the online chat room, and on Facebook. I believe to have the best support system in the world: my family, my friends and my boyfriend are all very supportive. I'm lucky.
So I have to be patient. I have my first appointment in September, let's start with this, and I've got the other one in December. I'm going to take it a day at a time, not rush into anything and keep myself calm. I've been feeling really anxious these days from all the information that's been fed to me, I need to relax for a bit.
I met a lot of interesting and inspiring people on the online chat room, and on Facebook. I believe to have the best support system in the world: my family, my friends and my boyfriend are all very supportive. I'm lucky.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Pre-op blues??
So I joined an online chat room today . Many women who have had the surgery and others who like me are waiting can go online and share their thoughts and ask questions! That felt good for about 5 mins until I became super nervous and actually started crying from being so stressed out. I'm silly I know...
But anyway, I sort ofgot this fear that I was going to change after the operation. That I'm not going to be myself anymore, after all these changes... I still want to be the bubbly Gaby that I've always been... I guess feeling this way is normal and everyone experiences fears and doubts.
But anyway, I sort ofgot this fear that I was going to change after the operation. That I'm not going to be myself anymore, after all these changes... I still want to be the bubbly Gaby that I've always been... I guess feeling this way is normal and everyone experiences fears and doubts.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Lapband - My journey to weight loss
So since I finally got a confirmation for my very first appointment with the surgeon at Sacre-Coeur hospital, let's just say that I have been really excited and stressed, happy but scared at the same time!
I've being doing lots of research, and reading blogs and chat rooms online about women who have had the surgery or who are, like me, waiting for their surgery date.
So far, I have been happy with what I read, seems like the wait long might not be as long as I thought it would be! But I won't rely on any of that until I get my own surgery date confirmed by the doctor.
So I am waiting... waiting and waiting.
I realized that I am still so young. 22 years old, energetic and full of life, but I am overweight, and have been my whole life. I have gone on diets, joined two different gyms, seen a dietician and cut down on my portions all to no avail. I am 22 years old and I have been clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety and I am borderline diabetic. I am 22 years old. So I began thinking: I am so young, I have my entire life ahead of me, I am in love and I have a great job. Why waste it all away because of my weight?
I am glad I took my doctor's advice when she suggested I looked into getting the lap band surgery. I realize that this will be life changing. Not easy, but not difficult. I see it more like a little push in the back to help me adjust to a healthy lifestyle.
Once I get back from my appointment, I will know when my surgery will take place and I am expecting to get on a special diet plan. This is when I will decide if I should start a weight diary: weighing myself either weekly or monthly.
I've being doing lots of research, and reading blogs and chat rooms online about women who have had the surgery or who are, like me, waiting for their surgery date.
So far, I have been happy with what I read, seems like the wait long might not be as long as I thought it would be! But I won't rely on any of that until I get my own surgery date confirmed by the doctor.
So I am waiting... waiting and waiting.
I realized that I am still so young. 22 years old, energetic and full of life, but I am overweight, and have been my whole life. I have gone on diets, joined two different gyms, seen a dietician and cut down on my portions all to no avail. I am 22 years old and I have been clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety and I am borderline diabetic. I am 22 years old. So I began thinking: I am so young, I have my entire life ahead of me, I am in love and I have a great job. Why waste it all away because of my weight?
I am glad I took my doctor's advice when she suggested I looked into getting the lap band surgery. I realize that this will be life changing. Not easy, but not difficult. I see it more like a little push in the back to help me adjust to a healthy lifestyle.
Once I get back from my appointment, I will know when my surgery will take place and I am expecting to get on a special diet plan. This is when I will decide if I should start a weight diary: weighing myself either weekly or monthly.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Lap Band - the begining
So yesterday I finally got a response from the surgeon in my town (I live in Montreal, the clinic is in Town of Mount-Royal, working with the Hopital Sacre Coeur of Ville Saint-Laurent).
I have my very first appointment on September 26th 2011. Am I excited? Yes. Nervous? Very.
However I cannot help myself but think of all the things it will allow me to do... Go to the gym, go to the amusement park with my brothers and my boyfriend... or even sit on a swing at a park. All these things I cannot enjoy because I am overweight and have tried every trick in the book..
I remember being 10 years old, having to rush after school to go meet with the dietician. Is that fun for a 10 year old? Ya think? NOT! Kids that age want to eat those cookies in the jar, not count how many portions of 250ml of milk produce they had in one day. They just want those damn cookies.
So here I am, on my way to being healthy. A healthy 22 year old, hopefully if it is even completed before my next birthday, or the one after, and so on.
I am meeting with my family doctor on September 16th, to follow up on my medication and blood tests. I have to do some more in November to verify my Thyroid gland.
At the moment I take 45 grams of Celexa, 90 grams of Seroquel and some Rivotril every now and then when my anxiety is unmanageable. I also take OrthoCept birth control, which is obviously to prevent from getting pregnant, but also to maintain a regular menstrual cycle as this had also gone bonkers, probably due to the weight.
I am hoping that with the surgery, my mood will increase and that it will have such an impact on my body and my hormones that I will no longer have to take such medication!
I have my very first appointment on September 26th 2011. Am I excited? Yes. Nervous? Very.
However I cannot help myself but think of all the things it will allow me to do... Go to the gym, go to the amusement park with my brothers and my boyfriend... or even sit on a swing at a park. All these things I cannot enjoy because I am overweight and have tried every trick in the book..
I remember being 10 years old, having to rush after school to go meet with the dietician. Is that fun for a 10 year old? Ya think? NOT! Kids that age want to eat those cookies in the jar, not count how many portions of 250ml of milk produce they had in one day. They just want those damn cookies.
So here I am, on my way to being healthy. A healthy 22 year old, hopefully if it is even completed before my next birthday, or the one after, and so on.
I am meeting with my family doctor on September 16th, to follow up on my medication and blood tests. I have to do some more in November to verify my Thyroid gland.
At the moment I take 45 grams of Celexa, 90 grams of Seroquel and some Rivotril every now and then when my anxiety is unmanageable. I also take OrthoCept birth control, which is obviously to prevent from getting pregnant, but also to maintain a regular menstrual cycle as this had also gone bonkers, probably due to the weight.
I am hoping that with the surgery, my mood will increase and that it will have such an impact on my body and my hormones that I will no longer have to take such medication!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Bloody bloody bloody...
Been going through leaked Breaking Dawn pictures online... Can't wait to see the movie...
Back then, when everyone was gushing over Twilight (circa 2008) I couldn't understand what they were all crazy about... it didn't take me long to understand... After reading the first few pages I was instantly hooked...
I love watching the movies for one reason only... I get to see in real life action what I imagined as I read the books...
At the moment, all my Twilight books look more used that library ones...
Ah-hem... I read them 10 times in a row and stopped counting after that...!?!?!?
I dunno. I just love it. I guess it's the impossible love, unbearable secrets Bella must hold... Unimaginable faith she is tracing for herself... The power of true love and hate, of painful love and passion......
Back then, when everyone was gushing over Twilight (circa 2008) I couldn't understand what they were all crazy about... it didn't take me long to understand... After reading the first few pages I was instantly hooked...
I love watching the movies for one reason only... I get to see in real life action what I imagined as I read the books...
At the moment, all my Twilight books look more used that library ones...
Ah-hem... I read them 10 times in a row and stopped counting after that...!?!?!?
I dunno. I just love it. I guess it's the impossible love, unbearable secrets Bella must hold... Unimaginable faith she is tracing for herself... The power of true love and hate, of painful love and passion......
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Oh and one more thing
Something totally random...
Just to show how much I use Facebook...
This is no joke...
I never use the letter "F" because both my names don't contain it... but I've had this computer with the same keyboard for 3 years now... and on all keyboards there's a bar on the "F" and the "J" for pro-typewriting people or whatever... well let's just say that not only the little bar has almost completely worn down but the F is slowly fading away...
LOL
KK good bye now. until next time muchachos!!!
Just to show how much I use Facebook...
This is no joke...
I never use the letter "F" because both my names don't contain it... but I've had this computer with the same keyboard for 3 years now... and on all keyboards there's a bar on the "F" and the "J" for pro-typewriting people or whatever... well let's just say that not only the little bar has almost completely worn down but the F is slowly fading away...
LOL
KK good bye now. until next time muchachos!!!
facebook X 2
Ok so I am having a mindblowing experience at the moment lol
So I am in the middle of watching The Social Network, while I am posting on Facebook...
And since I'm at the beginning of the movie, I'm basically using Facebook before it even existed! Ha!
No but seriously guys... How many people like you and me are out there with ideas that can never happen because we don't have the money to make them happen.
Kuddos Mark Zuckerberg. I'm sure you are very much succesful today, probably more than I can anticipate. Too bad to all the girls who made fun of you or ignored you because you were a "nerd". I'm sure their biting their fists now with their "never-home-always-on-a-business-trip-with-a-young-intern-and/or-female-assistant-doctor-or-lawyer-type-of" husband :)
PEACE OUT YALL
So I am in the middle of watching The Social Network, while I am posting on Facebook...
And since I'm at the beginning of the movie, I'm basically using Facebook before it even existed! Ha!
No but seriously guys... How many people like you and me are out there with ideas that can never happen because we don't have the money to make them happen.
Kuddos Mark Zuckerberg. I'm sure you are very much succesful today, probably more than I can anticipate. Too bad to all the girls who made fun of you or ignored you because you were a "nerd". I'm sure their biting their fists now with their "never-home-always-on-a-business-trip-with-a-young-intern-and/or-female-assistant-doctor-or-lawyer-type-of" husband :)
PEACE OUT YALL
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