My demons

You can't run, you can't hide... Can't lie either. Everyone's got demons. Skeletons in their closets.
Mine aren't so bad I guess, come to think of it. They're just embarassing sometimes.

This year marks the one year milestone since I was diagnosed with depression paired with severe anxiety. I never thought I would have mental problems. I was embarrassed at first but am not so much anymore. Psychiatric problems are very common, many people around the world suffer from some sort of psychiatric or psychological illness.

I feel much better now, if you were wondering. I do not feel the way I did a year ago anymore but I still have to take medication. It's nothing too strong but good enough to give me the sleep I need and get me going in the day.

What embarassed me the most last year was my frequent visits to the Douglas Mental Health Institute... I mean, we all know what this hospital represents... And being refferred to the Douglas made me feel really self conscious. But you need to take a step back and see that prejudice and ignorance forms your ideas and presumptions about mental health, when in fact it is just as normal to meet a psychiatrist for depression as it is to see a medical doctor for your tonsils.

I don't exactly know how long I must take the medication, wether it is for life or if one day my doctor will gradually make me get off them. One thing I know for sure is I will never beat myself up again and delay myself from seeking help. I also hope, of course, that one day I could live my life like I use to, medication free.

Decisions decisions...

Wow today was really.... Interesting!

I'll start by the beginning I guess!

So I left this morning, with a bus and metro schedule to follow in order to go meet the surgeon. I get to the metro 25 minutes before the bus leaves so I decide to kill some time and go to the bank. I then realize I don't have my frigging wallet with me!!! Now I'm thinking dammit the hospital is going to charge me because I don't have my health card and I really don't feel like paying that right now even if the RAMQ reimburses you. I call my mom, whom I know will probably stress out for me more than I should be stressed myself ( must I not mention the time she drove me all the way to the airport and left back home when she had to drive right back to the airport to bring me my wallet because I had no I.D. or money on me?!?!?)
Yeah, I drive my mom nuts. But hey, she still loves me just the same! Hehe.

Ok back to my story. So my mom elaborates a scenario about her knowing my health card number by heart (really mom?? After 22 years? Pretty cool mom huh?) and that they could charge her credit card and so on. I'm like "Listen, let me call the hospital, and go to the bank while I'm at it. I've got to try and convince a teller that I am who I am only with my work I.D. and then figure the whole mess I'm about to throw myself into with a hospital in what seems to me like the boonies".

Call the hospital, I'm on hold actually for long enough that I can cross 2 street lights and do the whole shabang with the bank to finally get someone who thinks I'm crazy and tells me " but Ma'am, the doctor does not have an office here, he doesn't have patients come here, you must go all the way the actual clinic. Here is the number good bye".

Frigging awesome at this point. 30 minutes before my appointment,I'm in ville saint-laurent and now I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna get over there in so little time. I call and tell the receptionist my entire story, not blaming her if she thinks I'm a lunatic. Turns out they're next to metro l'Acadie. Great! (where the f*@% is that) but the word metro reassures me.

Back in du college, I assume I can't go wrong going towards snowdon. Get on the blue line (honestly how often do you think a suburbs girl goes there after moving out of her parents' house?) Must I mention I'm holding on to my purse with my life, being the paranoid idiot that I am ?

I get to l'Acadie, 10 second bus ride to Rockland and we're here. Great.

Now here comes the best part.

So I meet the doctor. I sit down. What follows happens in a span of 15 minutes. Be asks me my height, my weight, my doctor's note. Shows me a picture on a poster on the wall showing the procedure. He then explains a nurse will contact me soon to book an appointment.

TADAM!!!

I leave with his business card, reminding myself to fax a copy of my health card to his secretary.

I thought that going through all this, I'd feel like it was worth it. I honestly don't. Not only did the doctor tell me he does not recommend I get the lapband but he also said the operation would not happen before 24 months.

The delay isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that I'm back at square one. I was comfortable with the idea of a safe, non invasive and not necessarily permanent solution. He really burst my bubble by telling me he recommends something different and something irreversible.

I was ok with it when he mentionned it but come to think of it, I'm not.

I'm ready for a second opinion. If not, I'm thinking of starting over and doing this the hard way. I don't really want to be cut open to fix my problem. I just want to be healthy.

Big day-part 1 (Hopital Sacré-Coeur / Dr Atlas)

So day 1 has arrived... Crazy how time flies by!
I've got my first appointment with the first surgeon, Dr Atlas at sacré-coeur hospital in Ville Saint-Laurent tomorrow! I'm excited, nervous and a bit anxious just because I don't really know what to expect. I've been waiting for this day for nearly 6 months... I've been thinking about it, planning about it for all this time and it's finally here! I can't wait to find out the only thing everyone is eager to find out when getting this surgery: the operation date.

I'm curious to find out how much longer must I wait... I know it can't be done overnight, and I'm glad I have to wait a certain time mostly because I want to feel prepared, ready for the change. I want to feel confident that I am mentally and physically prepared to modify my habits and to undergo such a lifechanging experience.

I never imagined this would ever happen. Sure, when I would sign my membership at a gym and get on a threadmill I would imagine myself skinnier, shopping for new clothes... But I wouldn't realize that not only my body couldn't take what I was trying so hard to have it do but I was going about it all wrong. I was going to the gym to force my body to do down in mass without being realistic about it. My problem was food. And I now realize that not only can food be my problem, but motivation and setting goals was not my strength.

I've got something to look forward to: health. I don't care too much about being skinny, I probably never will be. But I have a goal and my mind is set on reaching it. I want to be healthy, I want to lower, if not completely eliminate my risks of getting diabetes or heart problems. I want to be active, and not have to feel like a couch potato. But mostly, I think of my future. 10 years from now, when I have children, I want them to have a healthy and active lifestyle. I want them to understand that once you have health you can have everything.

I'm glad that thinking back, to my images of myself skinny and shopping for new clothes while walking on a threadmill are now replaced by myself hiking up a mountain or running after my nephews in a park. I'm glad I found the right reasons to want to lose weight. I wish I could have been motivated sooner.

I'm really excited to know what's next for myself. I'm actually proud of myself, for the little accomplishment i've done so far.

New beginnings

So a few new things happened since the last time I wrote...

I saw my family doctor for the last time before I meet with both surgeons and we took an appointment in December to follow up on the two appointments.

On a not-so-exciting note, I gained weight... 14lbs to be exact :( guess the feeling I had of fitting better in my jeans was an illusion :( oh well...

Other than that, I am going to start cutting down my portions, unecessary fats and oils and sugars in preparation to the diet I will have to follow the months before the surgery. My first step will be to cut on soft drinks and sugary drinks, opting for water (which I already drink about 1 to 1.5L a day) or milk or pure orange juice. I am increasing my fiber intake by eating more fruits and veggies. But the hardest part will surely be cutting on bread. Pasta isn't so bad since I eat about a cup of it in a meal, but I looooooove my white bread... However, I won't cut it off completely I will do it gradually, opting for whole wheat or multigrain bread for a sandwich and I'll keep the white bread exclusively for my toasts (not ready to say goodbye to my Italiano toasts in the morning... Yum)

On a lighter note, I am pretty excited about the next couple of months! I have decided that after 4 years of absence I will be going back to school! University to be more precise... And I'm going to start by enrolling into 1 class to test the waters and see how it goes ( wouldn't want to ruin the experience by beating myself with a heavy workload, considering I will be keeping my fulltime work schedule).

Aside from all of this, I am preparing myself financially for my future projects, concentrating more on myself and what I want, rather than worrying about pleasing others.

I will keep posting updates, my next one should be after my appointment with Dr.Atlas on the 26th!!!

Wake me up when September ends...

The day I dread the most is almost at my door... The day my world turned upside down. September 13th 2006, a 17-year old version of me, still a child, saw what no one should ever see.

I can't believe 5 years went by already. It all seems like a blur, a bad dream I woke up from and that I'm trying to shake away. One day, and nearly just 60 minutes of it, that turned me upside down and completely altered me.

I do not recognize the person I was after the events. I honestly thank God for giving me the strength to live, even if I didn't want to anymore. No one realizes just how much anything can affect a person. For such a long time, I wished I could be like the other people I knew and just stop thinking about it, stop remembering it, stop obsessing about it. I couldn't. I envied those to who it didn't hurt like it hurt me. I was trapped with myself in my head, with social workers who didn't know how to handle it and who wanted to sympathize and who really tried their best at it, but who had no idea of what I saw and heard and felt. I was trapped in my head with family that wanted to support me and wanted to help me but didn't know how and they didn't know why I couldn't speak and why I wouldn't express how I felt.

Five years have past and I would like to believe that I am healed. But I have my moments, just like anyone, where I break down and remember everything, like a horror movie rolling in the back of your eyes.

But with the years I learned that I can be strong, I can will myself to be strong. I don't have to live with so much sadness and fright and pain on my shoulders. I can breathe. I can live and laugh and love just the same. But I can also cry. I am human. I lived what no 17-year old should ever live. I have seen with my own eyes wasted blood and tears in a place that should be sacred and peaceful for the teenager I was. I've seen chaos, I've been scared for my life, for the life of those who I loved, for the life of strangers. I've been afraid that I would never see my Mom and Dad again.

But I survived.

Five years went by, and I am living my life with the people I love, doing the things that I love. I can breathe again. I got the chance that others maybe didn't get.

Time flies, and although memories fade, they never go away...