Relapse.

I failed. Couldn't do it. I signed in.

Is it really that hard? Put a plate with the most delicious food in front of me and I will resist. Give me unlimited funds to go shopping and I will resist...

How hard can it be?

Don't think I can do it...

I'm really tempted to download my Facebook app and sign in!! What is wrong with me? I can resist a whole bunch of things but not this? A month seems awfully long!! HELP!!

Bored.

So this is my 3rd day? 4th day? I'm not sure... But I'm starting to get bored. I wonder what lots of people are doing... Wondering if pictures of Jason's cousin's confirmation were posted online... I'm wondering how much I'm missing out on.

So to keep myself entertained, I have been charging Jason's credit card with apps on my iPhone (he doesn't know about it.. Sorry honey!)

I got myself busy on angry birds and bejeweled... What a life.

I'm tempted to go back on just to see... I don't know if I will be able to last til June... I just feel so lonely all of a sudden!! Isn't it crazy?

Thou shall not be tempted. Merr. :(

This sucks.

Wow. I really thought it was going to be easy.

It's actually pretty hard. More annoying than anything. The world is no longer at my finger tips. I get frustrated everytime I realize I am checking my phone just to check Facebook! My mother in law wanted me to send her a picture of the dress I am wearing to a confirmation tomorrow and didn't realize I couldn't because I don't use Facebook!

Do I miss it? A bit. For what reason? It's not so easy to share information with people. I have to relearn all the ways to do it. It's not hard but not obvious in a world where social media is your direct link to society.

I was tempted to go through Jason's Facebook to see if anyone had posted on my wall.. But I resisted. That would be considered cheating. So I didn't do it. But I did wonder how much I was missing. How many notifications I must have at the moment. Did I miss any important messages? I have to remember I am the only one in my world right now who is not "on Facebook". Will they realize that and call me or email me instead?

The idea of not being able to be up to date with people's lives and updating my life events isn't that stressful but the idea of having to relearn ways of communications all over again is. It's all put there available to us but obviously we pick the easiest, simplest and quickest way. In my case Facebook. I have to learn to pick up the habit of thinking that the first way of contacting someone is by phone. That's hard, considering I haven't spoken to a lot of people by phone in a long time. Will they recognize my voice? ( I can't help but to giggle st the thought.) Would it be awkward? I think so, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge quite yet but maybe that will come up within the next couple of weeks.

Social experiment: Facebook detox. Day 1

Yes I know I said I would start May 1st... But I changed my mind. Why wait?

What made me change my mind? I'd rather not tell but I will say I was annoyed by something (or rather someone) so I decided to start earlier.

Who needs this anyway? Seriously? When you get to the point where you are constantly checking your Facebook to see other peoples updates and such.. What kind of life is that? What is it really doing for me anyway? Some say they want to keep in touch with friends and relatives... You know what? I think I'd rather get a phone call or a text...

So this is my very first post sans- Facebook. Wish me luck, wish me whatever. If you are interested, stay tuned as I go on this Facebook detox. My account is still active so these blog posts get posted automatically however I will not be replying to any Facebook requests or messages.

May 1st 2012. Mark the date on your calendar!

On May 1st, I will take on a new challenge. I will be abandoning my Facebook and Twitter accounts for 30 days! Let's remember the good old days!

I will however keep a journal during my "journey to a cure to stop Facebookinitis", none better than doing this through my blog! That is the only exception to the rule.

My Facebook and twitter accounts will remain active so followers can read live daily updates of my blog that are posted automatically on these two channels. I will not be accepting any invites, responding to any comments or messages (email notification turned off! tee-hee)

I cannot wait to start! I already am imagining the feelings and anxiety I will get from not being so connected to the world anymore. I will evaluate my anxiety and social levels daily.

You may be wondering what brought this on? May be thinking :"well, it's been done before..."

First answer: nothing. Second answer: maybe... But not for me!

I was born in 1989 so I have seen all possible brand new computers come out. I have sneaked out of my room to chat with a friend at night and got caught because of the dial up tone. I have experienced loss of connectivity due to someone picking up the phone, or missing important phone calls. I remember my friends getting high speed Internet and they got to download music and play games so much faster than I could! Then came the beginnings of MySpace (remember the max of 6 pictures?!) and msn messenger, hi5. I remember getting my very first smart phone that gave me access to email on the go! Then came along Facebook.. ( a girl from college had to confirm that I went to the same school she did in order to be able to join our college's network!) and all the changes that followed... And now in 2012, there is nothing we CANNOT do with Facebook and smart phones ad twitter. TWITTER! I can have an actual conversation with celebrities that I've known for my whole life, who never knew I existed!

All this is fantastic, but it's got it's downfalls. Facebook can seriously ruin relationships, friendships, credibility, and can also incriminate you of anything from cyber bullying to fraud and theft (bling ring, California). You cannot hide anymore. We are constantly wanting to see what someone is up to, post pictures and status updates, look up for long-lost friends or see what our exes are up to without us.

I love Facebook. Mostly because I can keep in touch with those I don't see often and see how they are doing. I can share pictures with family I don't see either. But honestly, I need a break.

Look at it as a form of therapy, or "rehab". I don't need Facebook to live, but I'm addicted to it! What happened to calling up a friend to see how they're doing, or sharing actual printed pictures from parties and stuff (I always made doubles!) (you will not be getting prints in the mail, rest assured)

I have a good feeling about this. It's going to be fun and entertaining.

So stay tuned! Again, Facebook and twitter will ONLY be used to automatically post my daily updates (which are automatically generated by blogspot, thank you )

See you in the past!! (I am having a michael j fox moment over here with back to the future..hmmm)

Renewal of hope. (I hope??)

New month... New season... Is this what is bringing some fresh air to my brain, making me feel like I can finally think and see clearly?

Now wait a minute... Is it just another one of these episodes where I feel great and life is beautiful and lalala? If it is I am seriously going to consider being bipolar no jokes. To be honest, I can't take being sad and depressed any longer. I need to feel good again. I need to feel like I am myself and that I want to do things a normal 22 year old would do, regardless of what I've been through. I feel like my mind stops me from doing anything based on what I've been through. Bad experiences, traumatic events, periods of depression... It always sticks in the back of my mind, whenever I am asked to go out or invited anywhere.. It even happens when I invite my own family over! It stops me from calling people and wishing them happy Easter! I'm not crazy. I know we all have it in us to better ourselves and cure ourselves from anything. I need therapy for many things, but it doesn't mean I have to pay someone to do it for me.

So I have decided to kick myself in the butt. I am going to wake up every morning with a new achievement for the day (if possible) and make sure I accomplish it! I'm not going skydiving or anything crazy yet! I'll start slowly. This week, my goal is to go out on a date with Jason. Being out in the public, within a crowd of people, talking and having a great time. I haven't done that in years! That's nothing big. Then I will slowly accept invitations out with friends and eventually go out a bit more and getting to be the old me and socialize. Back in high school I could never shut up! I would meet people and instantly become friends with them! And after certain things happened... With my nervous breakdown and depression 2 years ago... It all went downhill and I really lost myself. I want to feel alive. I feel dead inside. I put up a front, go to work and act normal but then I come home and isolate myself. I refuse to be like this!

So this is why I am planning a night out with my honey. It's a secret for him (yay) but with my big mouth who knows if I can keep a secret! I just want to enjoy myself and have fun.

If that goes well, what else can I achieve?

Speaking with my mom about all this the other day, she made me realize something: I don't paint anymore. That's true. I used to let it all out on my bedroom walls when I was a teen. My mom almost wanted to cry when she moved. She wanted to take my walls with her. It was a part of me and who I was. She's the best. I don't know another parent who would let their kid paint their bedroom walls like a canvas with acrylic paint. Well she did. And it was important for her to let me do it.

I'm not going to do that here. I'm an adult now. I don't live alone. I don't think Jason would appreciate, plus I don't want to use my home in that way. But I will paint. There's something about it that is therapeutic. You can paint something, start over, scrap it or keep it. But at the moment you do it, you let out your present emotions and they stay there as long as you wish. I remember in high school, in art class, we had to make a painting of something, anything, as long as it it in the theme of "child abuse" and the only rule was you couldn't use paintbrushes. Man, I nailed that project. I wonder where my painting is today... I loved it. I had thrown paint all over it. Really dramatic looking. Dark reds, black, purples... It looked like bruises. But I had flicked white paint on it with star-shaped stencils. I had newspaper letter cutouts spelling:"don't hurt kids". I loved that piece.

Well now that I am done reminiscing and have a concrete plan in mind, I can only hope for a better tomorrow. I want this to work. I don't want to be sad anymore. Things happen in life, good or bad, but they shape you into who you are. I don't care if I come from a broken family, if I have a weight problem or self esteem issues. I don't care if I had depression since I was 14 or if I was traumatized by a school shooting. I am me. That will never change. Things around me can shape me on the outside but on the inside, I am Gaby.

Motivation: Zero... part 2.

I never believe this day could come so quickly... BUT THE WEEK IS FINALLY OVER! THANK GOODNESS!

I am now off for 4 days for the Easter weekend.

What a week I had! I barely slept, and when I did I woke up with a crick in my neck, back pain and massive headaches...

Today was not any better... I'm not going to get into details, because although I know that having this blog exposes my life to the world, I chose it for myself but not for others. All I'll say is that my anxiety level hit an 11 on 10 today and it was not fun. At all.

I'm sitting at my computer right now (something I have not done in quite some time while blogging, always using my Blogger app on my iPhone). I am tired, but can't get myself to bed. I've got an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow to test for carpal tunnel (apparently this will be fun... not). I am still wearing these stupid splints (aren't they supposed to help???). Hopefully I can have the rest of the day to do some shopping for the house and relax.

I don't know what to do these days. I just can't get a grip on my moods. I am feeling quite low, a bit sad and lonely. I just need to cool off, relax, do stuff for myself, maybe a bit of shopping therapy?

Lots of things are resurfacing and I don't think I'm ready to face them mentally... However I cannot keep pushing them aside, thinking I can deal with them another time.

I wish I could drink away my sorrows lol... but I can't even do that! Can't drink with the medication I take! UGGH!

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

Motivation: zero.

I've been feeling kind of weird these past few days...

Last week my doctor lowered my dose of Celexa (I am down to 20mg daily) and that seems fine (I requested it). But I have been feeling really anxious and had 2 episodes of completely chaotic panic attacks in the past month. I don't know if any of it is related to our recent move. I find that overall my life is ok. Work is fine. We are doing ok financially (We don't miss out on anything). However my mood has even all over the place... I know that there's lots of stuff that could explain this (stress, PMS, etc...) but I can't seem to quite pinpoint what the issue is.

I am not feel happy.

Now I'm not trying to start a whole pity circus, I want no sympathy or anything. It's entirely my problem and no one is the cause to this. However, I can't help but feel sad, on so many different levels. I am just not happy. I don't find happiness at home, or at work. I have been isolating myself for so long, refusing to go out that people don't even bother to ask me anymore. My colleagues often have a happy hour on Thursday's and they won't ask me anymore because they no ill decline. It then became clear to me why a little while ago. I isolate myself because I am afraid to be exposed and to be in crowded places. I'm going to stop right there because I really don't feel like getting into it but that's what it is. I admitted it for the very first time to my friend today. It felt weird.

I just want to be home. Alone. With Jason and our goldfish and our finches and no one else. I'll chat, text and such but I don't want to be with people. Weird isn't it? I use to go out, go to concerts, parties, bars and clubs. I used to meet new people and make new friends. Used to go to friends houses and movies and restaurants... You name it. That was who I was. The real Gaby. I do none of that today...

I wish I could go back to the old me, I just don't know how. I know there are things I need to sort out to achieve this but it involves spending money and time and I can't really do that right now... I really want to just try and figure it out on my own.

I really miss it. I miss my friends so much. I used to be so close to them and we grew so far apart. It's my fault. I know it. Because they never missed out on inviting me to place and wanting to see me and my new apartments... I just couldn't do it. The anxiety that crept up on me when it came to deciding was just too unbearable. I couldn't take it. I really hope I can make up for it and that they will still be as much my friends as they used to be when I was the old me. I miss them so much.

With the isolation, I feel like I'm left alone to myself and think too much. I get home, eat supper with Jason and we watch tv and he falls asleep on the couch. Here we go again. Alone. By myself? What am I supposed to do? Well one can guess, I think and think and think! And then the whole guilt process starts again. It also makes me miss seeing Jason more (sleepy was) and my family. Oh wait. I forgot. Family issues fall into this whole hot mess. Not talking to this person but feel ok about the other. Old wounds reopen and start new wars and feelings of resentment. Great!

Phones ring... Who's going to pick up? Me? When I'm usually crying or concentrated on changing my thoughts through music or reading? Jason is sleeping (zzz zzz zzz) and wouldn't even twitch if world war 3 exploded across the street! How is it that I can't face people anymore? Have I become so fucked up, to the point I am anti social now? What is wrong with me? I WANT to go out see my friends, drink and have a good time.. Why am I not? That's the question! I'm just not happy. Not depressed (because I want to stop the anti depressants so badly please!). I am 22 and missing out on everything.

Now to the motivation. Not only am I feeling like a toasted piece of crap, I am waiting for the surgery since forever. I know it's not something to play with, not a miracle cure, and definitely not something that would be healthy if it happened overnight. But I just wish that it could come already. I am losing hope really fast. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to get it done. But forget it. If the hospital knew what state of mind I am right now they would probably put me back at the bottom of that waiting list, telling me I come back when I set my shot straight. *sigh*

I am hoping for a better future. My goal is to "resocialize" myself, learn to behave again... Learn not to take everything at heart. I need to learn how to be strong and set my food down. I hope that the next post will be filled with great achievements because honestly, this one sucks.

Young. Wild. Free.

Just a quiet Sunday night in bed, reading with Jason. It's raining outside. Just the way I like to spend my evening. Quiet and peaceful.

I'm now reading "I've Got Your Number" by Sophie Kinsella. Great read. It's fun, entertaining and if you're quirky like I am you will definitely see yourself in Poppy Wyatt!

As she is celebrating her engagement at a tea party, Poppy loses her engagement ring, a family heirloom passed on for 3 generations in her fiancé's family! And while she is looking for it all over the place, her cell phone gets snatched! But not to worry, she finds a cellphone in a garbage can... How strange... Who would throw a cellphone in the trash?

Talk about bad luck!

What follows are a series of events involving her and and the man who's ex personal assistant owned the phone before her, along with preparations to a wedding with a man she loves but whose family is not quite sure she meets their "standards". It's a funny and entertaining story of a girl who tried to fit in by being someone she isn't, and that pretends to be a company executive by being herself. A must read, like all her books (see "Remember Me?", "Can You Keep A Secret?" and "Undomestic Goddess").

That's all for me today. I'm diving bak in my book.

Until next time!