20 day post-op update: adjusting to a new lifestyle

Today marks the 20th day post-surgery. The euphoria has died down a bit. I no longer feel like I can walk on water but I still feel great. 

I am already able to eat solids with caution. I have had a few mishaps with certain foods (mainly bread) where I wasn't sure if I was choking or throwing up but for 10 seconds I was convinced I was going to die. Thankfully (and obviously) I didn't.

I am scheduled to go back to work on September 2nd. I feel fine apart from some discomfort near my port. I thought I was better than I actually was and tried to lift my niece up in my arms. A move that I totally regretted. I felt pain on my left side (muscular pain) and had to resume taking my pain medication for a few days. I feel much better now but I still get a small pang of pain here and there.

My diet is pretty much normal now, except I have cut out junk food completely. I haven't had a soda in over 2 months. I did have a craving for fries the other day so I had initially ordered a trio from McDonald's but I could barely finish the fries and I handed the burger over to my brother. I didn't really feel like eating it anyway. My stomach worked all night after eating the fries so it was a clear signal from my body telling me this better be the last time. I didn't really enjoy them anyway. 

Otherwise I have been able to sit down with my family and have dinner with them. I normally should still be on the purée diet but after 4 days of liquids I was able to pass on to purée, and just a little over a week later I was eating soft foods. 

I have a follow up appointment on September 22nd and I am assuming I will be getting a fill that day. I can eat a decent size portion per meal but I would like a bit more restriction. 

My scars have healed beautifully. Two of the small incisions barely look like a scratch now. The larger incisions closed up nicely.

I also experienced my first two off-scale victories.

The first is that I can see (faintly but still) my collarbones! I have never seen them. 

My second is that I was able to cross my legs sitting down for the first time in years! I was really excited. 

I keep checking to see if I have reached my first goal which is to weigh 330 lbs or less. To do that I try weighing myself with a scale (which stops at 330 lbs). That would be a total weightloss of 50 lbs, or 34.4 lbs since my last weigh-in on the day of my surgery.

I'm learning everyday mostly about listening to what my body tells me.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor  

New beginnings... Update!

We are now 11 days after surgery. I never imagined getting this far. I felt happy, liberated. Reborn. I still do. However now my fears are different. I'm afraid this won't work.

In my manual given by the hospital I am supposed to be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and then supposed to go onto step 2 which allows you to eat puréed foods. With the nurses recommendation I was able to move onto step 2 just 5 days after surgery. Slowly but surely I was able to move on to step 3 (soft foods) just 4 days later when step 2 was supposed to last another 2 weeks. I am now a month ahead in my diet and this scares me. Am I recovering faster or is this not working? 

I do feel some restriction. If I eat too much I will definitely feel bad; I feel cramping and bloating. Not fun. But 12 days after surgery should I be able to eat "normally" again?

My scars are starting to heal as well. I still feel pain and still take my pain medication if need be. I stopped using the blood thinners last week and that left really bad bruises on my stomach (I look like I got kicked in the gut several times). I've been sleeping a lot and drinking more water. I had a cold before surgery and I got an ear ache after surgery which lasted for about a week but even that feels better now. All that lingers from the cold is that I need to clear my throat quite often. 

Overall my mood is the same. I feel happy and blessed that it finally happened. I even noticed that my body got used to the decrease in my depression medication (pharmacist had to lower the dose because my dose is not available in the size of pill I can swallow). I still can't sleep a full night sleep without waking up but last night was better (I only woke up because my light was on).

I'm still waiting on my doctor to fill out my paperwork for my employer and that is stressing me a bit but I try not to think about it more than I need to. 

When I feel ready I plan on walking. I've noticed that if I stand or walk for too long my back starts to hurt. I'll wait a few more days before I can start taking walks (15-20 minutes and increasing slowly). I then plan on doing more exercise once I've fully recovered.

So this is it for my update. I'm still recovering so I don't want to spend too much time on writing when I could use the time to rest and take care of myself. Hopefully I get back to where I was soon enough to update you!

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Recovery

Hello,

As you may know by now I had my surgery last Thursday. I am now in recovery and need to heal.

I will be posting updates eventually. In the time being I am taking a small break from blogging to allow myself to rest and heal fully and quickly.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Banded

It's official.

August 7th, 2014 marks the beginning of a new life for me. After 4 years of wait, signing up with 3 different doctors and wanting to give up, 4 years of tears and deception, the day finally came. 

I woke up at 4:30am the morning of my surgery feeling pretty calm. I had packed most of my things ahead of time so it was all just a matter of making sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I had to be at the hospital for 6:30am and my mother was here to pick me up at 5:30am. 

I got to the hospital and I was assigned my bed and put my things away. Got myself in my gown and waited for a series of small preparation tests before surgery. I was scheduled to get operated at 9:30am. 

My mom and I rushed to the scale to weigh me before surgery. Remember that I couldn't use a regular scale as I was too heavy. When I did my preparatory tests back in February I weighed a wiping 377lbs. On the morning of the surgery I weighed 364.4lbs. That's a difference of 13lbs. My mom and I were ecstatic. I had lost what we estimated to be around 20lbs with the preparatory diet, if I had gained weight between February and July. Even the hospital staff was excited for me. I was overjoyed.

The nurse came back and explained how everything was going to go down and showed me how to use my spirometer that I would need to use post-surgery. She did the routine blood work and hooked me up to my iv solution and meds. By the time this was all done it was time for surgery. I was excited.

I was in and out of consciousness as I waited before the doors of the surgery ward. I hadn't slept much and I was tired. I woke up to nurses and doctors softly saying my name to ask me several questions. I guess they thought I was out of it. My surgeon even asked me if I had sleep apnea because I was falling asleep. I was simply tired but I think that helped me calm down.

I was pretty calm the entire time. All my fear and anxiety went away and I was more than ready.

I met with my anesthesiologist that checked my throat and confirmed that I was good to get operated. What a relief especially after being sick for days. 

They wheeled me into the operation room and helped me switch over from my bed to the operating table. Everyone was really nice. I even cracked a joke or two about my bare behind. That seemed to lighten up the mood but everything was very organized and very calm already. I saw an assistant bring in the box containing the Lap-Band and I knew this was really happening. By then it was time to give me oxygen and start explaining to me that I was about to fall asleep. Then I did. And I dreamt. Of what I don't remember but I was at peace.

I woke up to a nurse gently calling out my name. I was still very groggy but she explained that surgery had lasted about an hour and everything went well. I asked about my liver and she said the doctor found it still a bit bigger than supposed to but all had went perfectly according to plans and my surgery was successful. I remember going on saying "that's good" repeatedly and saying how I was happy everything went well and that I had waited for so long for this time to come. I remember finally being able to open my eyes and keep them open and they rolled me back into my observation room where my mother was awaiting me. I was just like my 3-year-old self when I saw her face and exclaimed "mommy!". She was so proud of me and was running her hand across my head. A series of nurses tended to me to see if I was in pain and then started my 6-hour observation period. I felt some discomfort on my left shoulder pulling in from my chest. I was explained that this was due to the gas that was inserted into my abdomen to facilitate the surgery. They checked my bandages a few times and everything seemed normal. They gave me some water and I took very small sips at a time. What a relief. My throat was already dry from not drinking water and being sick but being intubated had made it all "worse". Water felt good. 

I was then in and out of consciousness. I was very sleepy and it took at least 3 hours for me to be fully awake, during all this time nurses would check up on me.

My family came to visit me and I was so happy to see them. Then came my boyfriend and it was time to get ready to go home!

Two nurses came in and showed me how to use my anticoagulants and explained the medication to take and what to expect during the first few weeks after leaving the hospital. We reviewed my diet and I was then ready to leave.

I was overjoyed. My heart could burst from joy right now. I have never felt so accomplished, so complete, so proud. I did this for me and I succeeded.

Going to bed was a tricky thing but my pain meds helped me drift to sleep. I slept 5 hours until now. This is why I am writing. 

I will be resting a lot for the next few days but I am excited to finally embark this health journey. God knows what life has planned for me as of today.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 32: the last supper

Today was the last day. Let the excitement roll in and wash over me. I had even prepared myself by bringing my anxiety pills with me at work in case of an attack. I was excited. I tried my best to focus on work and let the hours go by so I wouldn't have to think about it. And now here we are. It's 12:44am and in 6 hours I will be at the hospital checking in. I'm not nervous but I'm excited. 

I spoke to friends and family about my fear of anesthesia and all seemed very comprehensive. It actually helped me feel much better and made me dig out old tricks my psychologist had given me about the anxiety I get when I am not in control of a situation. 

My hospital bag is fully prepared. My purse and documents, and doubles (just in case!) and my medication along with anticoagulants and ready. 

The best is: I'm ready!

I want to start my new life. I want to feel alive. I want to close this chapter of my life an start a new one.

This is my moment.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 28-29-30-31: thanatophobia

Noun1.thanatophobia - a morbid fear of death 

That's what's on my mind these days. I've come to term with my operation. But the fear of losing my loved ones, the fear that I won't wake up that something will go wrong and I won't make it... That's what's on my mind. Constantly. 

It makes no sense. Sure. It's absurd. Absolutely. Everyone survives this surgery. Of course. I know all of that but my mind thinks differently. And the anxiety skyrockets and I lose it.

Yesterday was supposed to be my surgery. And when I got the call that it had to be postponed I questioned it and I didn't know why. Well I know why now. I have been sick since Friday with a cold. I'm only starting to feel better now. I had to call the nurse at the hospital to ask her if I could still get surgery on Thursday since I was sick and it all depended on if I had an infection and if my secretions cleared up. I've done everything and it's looks like I'm finally on the mend. I still have to call to confirm tomorrow. 

Apart from that the diet has been going good. Being sick meant having a very low appetite but I managed to get good foods into me (vitamin rich foods) to help me kick this cold in the gut. I made myself countless spinach salads, spinach and berry smoothies, incorporated fresh garlic in nearly everything... I had one goal in mind and it was to get back on my feet to tackle Thursday. 

That's my rational self thinking.

Then nighttime comes and it's different.

I'm not afraid of the surgery. I'm not afraid of changing. I'm not even afraid of having to inject myself with anticoagulants for a whole week. I'm afraid of going under. Afraid of anesthesia. I've had local anesthesia when I had my carpal tunnel release surgery and although I was nervous I was semi asleep so I knew I was ok in a sense. But the thought of closing my eyes and falling asleep and never waking up seizes me. I can't take it. I'm praying that they let me take something to calm me down Thursday morning or they will have to put me down. 

The thought of not getting to see everyone I love before my surgery bothers me also. It's probably what feeds my fear of "not waking up". I wish I could hug and kiss everyone before I go because once I do, I will never be the same. 

Tomorrow is my last day being me. "That's absurd Gaby come on! You're still going to be yourself you're only getting some physical alterations. Your mind will still be the same!" 

Yes that's true I guess. But the truth is I will never be the same. I won't be the plump and comfy Gaby my niece can sit on or rest her head upon. I'll get questions and looks from people who have known me for years. I'll have to explain to airport security why there is a "wire" inside my body everytime I fly. I'll have to pretend I have a child to order from the kids menu. Sure it's all for the best and this is good change. But I will forever be changed.

I have one day left. Everything is ready. My hospital bag is ready and my paperwork is pre-filled. I'm going to bed really early tomorrow to make sure I'm up early Thursday. I am trying not to think about anything because I don't want to stress about anything. I just want to reach my goal and that right now is to get the surgery done and over with and then maybe I can come to terms with change and realize that sometimes change is all we really needed.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 24-25-26-27: it's happening

I have been doing pretty good. I was able to adjust my diet to my new work schedule (10-hour shifts require more food at work less at home!) and it's been going pretty well.

I am now realizing how real it all is.

Thursday night (day 26) I had an anxiety attack. Reason? I panicked over possibly not waking up from surgery and dying. Seems absurd but that's what anxiety does: it takes over. It all started because my boyfriend is not sure to be able to get off work that day and my mind totally lost it. Completely. Anxiety takes over and you become totally disconnected from reality and rational thinking. In my mind this was the last time I was seeing him and I was going to die. When clearly it could potentially happen (we are never 100% sure how we will react to surgery and anesthesia, etc) but I will be monitored from the moment I walk in to the hospital in the morning til the moment I get out. And it's not like it's the first time they do this.

However on a lighter note today I picked up my anticoagulant. This made me realize it's really real. There are just 5 days left. I'm ready. I think? 

 I will have to inject myself once daily for 7 days to prevent any blood clots. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also coming down with a cold or something like that. I felt fine all day until my throat started feeling scratchy and now I'm coughing and my nose is leaking. Because everybody needs a cold 5 days before getting surgery in the middle of the summer right?

5 more days of dieting. It's weird. I don't know what I wil eat after surgery. I've been away from everything I would normally eat that it's weird to imagine eating anything else but Nutribar shakes. I have a feeling I will continue eating like I eat now.

gabythegirlnextdoor