Just slipping away...

Ok so I should already be in bed by now, possibly trying to fall asleep... My meds have kicked in long ago but I am fighting them... Not good. I am exhausted, but I have so much on my chest...

I am scared.. Scared that I am slipping away, again... Like last year. It feels like forever ago, and I really don't want to go back on what happened... but mostly I don't want to go back to feeling that way again at all.

I am feeling really low. I feel like I need a good cheerer-upper... Mostly, I miss my friends. All of them. I don't feel like I have any at the moment. Well, that's certainly not true. I just feel.. lonely. And the worst part is I don't feel like doing anything. Just the thought of having to go out or having someone come over to see me freaks me out. I feel lonely but I really don't want to socialize. Weird? Tell me about it...

I miss my best friend. My Siamese twin. Matias. He's so far away, and we don't talk so much anymore, other than game requests or little comments on Facebook. I really miss him.

I also miss my sister. I miss her to death. Living at my parents, I was so used to having her around. I'd be waking up in the morning to see her looking through my stuff or checking in to see if I was up yet. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. She's the cutest. Although we are 12 years apart, it feels like we grew up as twins. I always shared everything with her, no matter her age. She's a heck of a smart kid. I love her to pieces.

I don't know what I need. I feel lost, I feel like I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing... I feel like I must operate this body and this brain but I've got no clue how to operate the switches and gauges.

Just so much is going on, then at the same time my life is as boring as a watching grass grow. I don't know where to turn first, where to start...

I think I need to relax, but I don't know how. I mean, I know how, but I don't know if I have it in me at the moment.

Right now, all I know is I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm not looking forward to a full week of work AT ALL. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel lonely. I need a hug from my boyfriend but he's sleeping like a log. I am now trembling because I am still cold (landlord did not put the heating on in the vacant apartment downstairs.....). I wish the day was longer than 24 hours. I wish I could remember the random words that pop up in my head to try to find a meaning in them. I'm thinking I'm crazy. I'm now thinking I might be crazy but at least I'm something. I'm thinking this has got to stop and I must go to bed.

Blue post

So I haven't posted anything in over two weeks. A few things happened, some good and some bad.

I was sick for a week, Jason for two. It was a shopping spree at the drugstore for cold medicine and then for Pepto-Bismol and gravol.

The good news: healthwise, I'm feeling better.

Then came Marley. I don't even want to write about him because it hurts and I'm afraid that one day when I read my blog it will hurt again.

Marley is the shih-tzu puppy we adopted at thebeginning of October. He is one of the 5 puppy litter born in May 2011 to my mother's dog Pouf (Lhasa Apso) and her neighbor's female Shih tzu.

Marley was the only puppy my mother got and she decided to give him to a lady living under her apartment to keep her company. After she moved and realized she could no longer care for him, Jason and I decided to adopt him.

So Marley came in on Sunday the 2nd of October and adapted pretty well to his new environment. He made himself a spot on the couch to sleep on, knew which item to grab with his mouth to have us chase him, hadhis potty schedule and his little nook under the to sleep quietly or hide.

However since Marley is 5 months old, he is still a bit insecure and suffers from separation anxiety. I tried to teach him it was ok to be alone and tested him a few times. Hours at a time, he would remain in the bedroo
and whine for a few minutes and then remained quiet. I rewarded him with his favorite: sweet potato stick wrapped in duck jerky.

We decided it would be safe enough to go out Saturday night for a birthday party and leave the dog home alone, considering he had done so well. We were coming back home in a few hours.

It's 11pm when we get home and someone knocks at the door. Crap. The neighbor. Well the dog spent the entire time crying and he got fed up so he called the landlord a few times, which in return called herself a few times and left messages.

Speaking to the landlord, Jason tells her we are babysitting the puppy for a few days. She tells him the dog can't stay because our lease states no animals allowed. Funny since that exact neighbor has 4 cats, but whatever.

My mother picked up Marley the next morning, along with all his "stuff". It's been real hard on me. The worst is that he is not adjusting to the change well at all. Marley is housetrained so he sits in front of the door for you to know he's gotta go. He did his business all over my mom's floor all day today and keeps crying. My heart is litterally broken into millions of pieces. It hurts to know he's unhappy because of this. I feel like shit. I got attached to quickly, got usedto our little routine so easily and it really feels like something is missing. I come home and there's nothing to dodge when walking through the door frame. There's no one jumping of joy when I come home. There's no Meatloaf Marley (nickname Jason had given him) to take for a walk at night. The worst: noone sleeping at the end of my bed, waiting for me to get up and play to start the day. Gone.

Some might think it's stupid. But Marley was all I was looking for in a long time. Unconditional love, other than the relationship I have with my human family and boyfriend. Marley was the happiest thing in the world when he saw me come home and it made me feel good. I felt loved. I miss him so much. I wish I could have him right here, sleeping in that little space between my boyfriend and I, making himself comfortable on my bed.

But Marley couldn't stay. I understand why. I also understand that i am giving him the opportunity to have a better life and maybe a house with a big backyard where he could chase squirrels without being tied to a leash.

I miss him. I love him. Very very much. He made me feel alive and important while I was his owner.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Here is a list of things I love the most:

• Hair product: Fructis Sleek&Shine Leave-In conditioning cream. Leaves your hair smooth and frizz-free. I have curly/wavy hair and it always makes my hair look amazing, without forgetting the delicious apricot smell... $4.00 at the pharmacy/drugstore.

• Face cleanser: Bioré triple action astringen. What I was looking for my entire life was for something that wouldn't leave my skin feeling burned and tough after use. I found Bioré leaves your skin clean and fresh, without making your face feel tight. It doesn't have that strong alcohol smell and actually smells like sweet watermelon when it dries. About $15.00$ at the pharmacy/drugstore and it will last you a very long time.

• Nail Polish: Revlon Nail Enamel. Dries super fast, 2 coats will do the trick. They have new colors every season and are usually on sale every 4 months at my local pharmacy. $4.99 regular price, usually less than $3.00 when on sale. Favorite colors: Sheer Pink, Strawberry Electric, Chocolate Truffle, Devilish Red.
  

• Nail Polish: Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear. I love the colors offered in this nail polish. The one on the left is Rockstar Pink. As you can see, its an explosion of glitters in pink, blue, gold, silver, purple and read. Only thing I dislike is that I love to put 3 coats of it but it makes it chip easily. However for the price, I can't complaint. $3.39 at the pharmacy/drugstore. I bought mine on sale at Walmart at $1.99 in July. Favorite colors: Rockstar Pink, Pumpkin Spice, Gunmetal, Celeb City.
  

• Body Lotion: St-Ives Cucumber Melon body lotion. I love love love this body lotion. I started getting these pump-bottles for Christmas from my mother-in-law and she really knows what I like. I got this one last Christmas and still have at least half a bottle left. It applies so easily and dries really quickly, making your skin feel nice and smooth and super moisturized. Unlike other body lotions, St-Ives does not leave you with the feeling of having greasy layer on your skin. I can put it on right after taking a shower and put on my clothes without tugging and pulling since like I said previously, it dries really quickly! $4.99 for 532 mL at Walmart, could be pricier elsewhere.

• Body Spray: Victoria Secret Pure Seduction. This also was a Christmas gift from my mother-in-law. I love it. It smells so good, a mix of berries and flowers. My boyfriend loves this body spray. He finds it smells like candies! Can be bought online at VictoriaSecret.com or at La Senza for about $30.00 with a body butter.

• Perfume: Versace Bright Crystal. I got this perfume from my bestfriend on my 18th birthday and since then, it has become my favorite. Reviews say:"Bright Crystal is a fresh, sensual blend of refreshing chilled yuzu and pomegranate mingled with soothing blossoms of peony, magnolia, and lotus flower, warmed with notes of musk and amber." I say it smells awesome that's all. You can really feel like the most confident girl in the world wearing this perfume day and night. $80.00 the 3oz bottle at the pharmacy and most perfume outlets.

I will try to keep updating in the next couple of weeks, if I think of more of my favorite things!