NOT another New Years resolution. A promise.

I have been feeling really happy these past few weeks but I have no energy whatsoever. I am always feeling nauseous, dizzy and constant muscle and back pain...

As I am waiting for this "miracle" surgery to happen I realize I'm just sitting here waiting for the world to change on its own. Boy am I wrong.

Yes I said miracle surgery. I have to be honest with myself. I haven't been doing anything in preparation for it and it's as if I just expect the surgery to miraculously change my life. Nope. Wrong!

So I'm now decided. This is my Christmas gift to myself. I am going grocery shopping on Saturday with my mom as I always do every week. I will buy myself a bunch of healthy goodies. You may think it's funny that a chunky girl actually would feel good an happy when she eats healthy. I actually do. I enjoy it so much actually that my mood, my mental state and emotions completely change and lift the second I change my eating habits.

You're probably saying: "Christmas is here soon... With all the food and sweets and alcohol how will she do it?". Now the trick I think is to allow yourself a treat without going overboard. We Italians eat for a country during the holidays but one day out of so many won't kill me.

So here it is. My promise. I am motivated. And what motivates me more is to push my boyfriend to do it too. It's a win-win situation. If I get him to eat healthy then he will lose the weight really quickly and the better he gets the more motivated I'll be. (He's got a faster metabolism than me...)

I might even treat us to a weight watchers membership if need be. We will see.

I can't wait!!! Surgery or no surgery I'm going to do what I can!

Until next time,
Gabythegirlnextdoor xox

Neglected!

Wow this blog is nearly filled with cobwebs and dust!

I haven't really had anything amazing happen in the past few weeks other than shopping and posting new videos on my YouTube channel youtube.com/gspremulli

I've been busy keeping up with housework, helping my mom with her new business venture and trying on new nail polishes to show everyone in the whole wide world!

For those of you out there who follow me like my life is interesting, you can follow me on Instagram: gabythegirlnextdoor

Some of you may or may not have noticed my new blog for product reviews! If you haven't, then go an check it out! gtgndproductreviews.blogspot.com

I will admit I have been debating on making a "Love is Louder" / "It Gets Better" kind of post (although I am not gay, I wanted to make one aimed towards bullying and anxiety/depression) but I'm not sure. It all depends on what I want to divulge. I have posted some stuff about anxiety and depression and some of my bad mishaps with life in general before. I guess I just have to find where my comfort level begins and ends.

Stay tuned my lovelies!

Powerless and bored. Book suggestion?

I need inspiration... A new reason to live life to its fullest.
I have a million ideas in my head and I'm starting to think they're all going to splurt out at once and I better have an extra large canvas to paint/vomit them all over.

What's going on? A gazillion things! Not all going well but I try to keep my head high. I've got reasons to want to succeed at life in general, including in my relationships both personal and professional. But everytime I think it's going great, there's someone there to shove sticks in my wheels. It's even harder when you can't blame them for it.

Wish me luck.

In the meanwhile, I'm bored. Any book suggestions? Nothing about handcuffs and riding crops please!

Annoyed.

I wish I could actually growl on here.

Nothing major has happened but rather a series of little annoyances I need to vent out there.

My nails chipped so I decided to redo them. FML. I did everything but ended up having to scrub of the product with the nail file MAJOR NO NO it ruin your nails! And they became so thin that I had to cut them SHORT! Like really short. Like I barely have nails it's almost to the skin. But then I painted them pretty and I love them ! (see image below? I don't know if this will actually work I'm using the app so...)

Then my crazy cat-a-holic ex-neighbor or whatever she is called at 11:30pm wanting to see how were doing????? Ummmmm. I'm sorry. When I was a kid and a friend would call my house at 9 and my parents were über pissed id get annoyed but got their point: they worked early AND my sister was just a baby and was sleeping at that time. Now I'm an adult and my friends and family know that i am most probably up anyway and if they needed to call they could because they know how I am. But you, complete stranger who I've known (known is in the way as I know what your face looks like, what your name is and that you've got a gazillion cats reproducing in your apartment) why are you calling me? First of all why do you even have my number? I gave it to you politely 5 months ago on one of those occasions where you said you were moving and wanted to check if we had any mail for you, which you didn't even end up moving for all these months so wtf? Now last week, all in the same day, you gave your 600 cats to the SPCA, told the landlord to come pick up the cash for the rent and then decided to move out? All in the same day? In tr span of 6 hours???? Now you sit down wherever you are located at this moment and dig out that old piece of paper where you might have written down our phone number and think "hmmm it's 11:30pm and I wonder how these good old folks are doing? I should call them and let them know I am alive! Yes great idea! And at the same time I might as well ask them how they're doing!"

Ok listen. I'm a nice person, open minded and respectful but lady please. Why are you calling? Aren't you sleeping anyway?

I ended up telling her it's 11pm were sleeping and work early in the morning (hey! A little white lie for some common sense is totally justifiable!) and bye!

Crazy old woman!

New review on SensatioNail

Hi everyone!

So I got a replacement kit from Taylor Armstrong because the previous one had the bottle of gel primer that exploded all over and with this one I got the other color polish available in the starter kit Scarlet Red.

Now with this one I was able to use the gel primer before applying the first coat of Gel Base & Top Coat and I don't know if it's me or actually the product but I feel like the product is actually harder on my nail.

I gotta say this, the color looks amazing. I've had red polishes in the past and I still buy them but they never looked so bright! It's gorgeous. I definitely give the product a 10/10 now that I was able to apply the primer and compare results but also that I have removed my previous mani! Soooo easy to do! Hopefully I get the chance to post a video real soon but basically you scratch off the shiny layer with the nail buffer and then make sure you get acetone or nail polish remover (with acetone as the first ingredient) to stay on the nail for 10 minutes (with a cotton ball or cut up cotton pad like the ones you use to remove makeup). Once you remove them after 10 minutes it looks all warped and sticking up so you take the cuticle stick and gently scrape it off your nail upwardly. It comes right off. You wash your hands, buff your nails gently to make them smooth and you're ready to apply the products once more!

I am super happy with this product! I was at the pharmacy earlier today and thought I'd test my luck by asking if they held the SensatioNail products and I wasn't too surprised to find out they didn't. (I was at Jean Coutu by the way...)

I'll keep looking for the products around Montreal and you bet that as soon as I find them I'll let you all know!

Day three of my sensationail mani

So far so good. Product doesn't chip doesn't scratch I'm pretty happy. I ended up contacting Nailene directly and they will be replacing the gel primer and I should expect it to arrive within 3 weeks. Super fast customer service pretty neat!

I'm still looking around for the kit around the greater Montreal area for those of you who want it. Again, I will be looking into trying out other gel products soon with the SensatioNail lamp and will be reviewing once I can.

The Raspberry Wine polish I got with the kit has gotten lots of nice compliments and looks really nice. I notice that the color will change a bit with the lighting. Looks really cute in the sun and bold in dim lighted spaces.

Nailene SensatioNail review

About a month ago, I entered a Facebook contest through the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' blonde bombshell Taylor Armstrong. She was giving away a SensatioNail starter kit to 10 winners who would email her pictures of their best summer manicures!

I emailed her 10 pictures and I won!

So I received my starter kit yesterday and decided to wait until this morning to open it and try it out.

The kit comes with:

-a PRO 3060 LED lamp

-electrical cord for the lamp

-gel cleanser

-gel primer

-color gel polish (my kit came with the Raspberry Wine tone)

-gel base & top coat

-lint-free wipes

-double-sided nail buffer

-manicure stick

The starter kit is priced at around $50 US and gives you enough to do 10 manicures. Color Gel polishes are about $10 US and essential kits (primer, top and base coat, wipes, buffer and stick) are about $15 US. I find this pretty reasonable considering the polish kits and essential kits give 25 manicures each.

My first impression is I was really disappointed. Not in the product itself as I hadn't tried it yet but because during the packaging or shipping the bottle of Gel Primer had exploded and leaked all over in the box, gluing part of the box to the lamp and getting all the other products all sticky. I decided I would still try the manicure by skipping the primer step altogether.

First you get the lamp. It works with a regular electrical outlet (check for adapters if you are in Europe, Asia or Australia. The cord is kind of short so I had to get an extension which isn't a big deal and worked out pretty well. You first plug in the cord to the lamp and it beeps so you know it is functional and ready to go.

Then you get a very simple, straightforward carton with instructions and picture for each step.

If you are already wearing polish make sure you remove it all and wash your hands before starting the manicure process.

Once you are ready, you take the little buffing file that comes with the kit and gently buff the top of your nails just to get them smooth. You then put some Cleanser on a lint-free wipe and wipe off all dust from your nails.

According to the instructions, you must apply a thin layer of Gel Primer, however since mine was out the question, I skipped this step. You would usually have to apply a thin layer and let air dry and proceed to the next step.

You then apply a thin layer of Gel Base & Top Coat and make sure you apply evenly on the nails and around the tip of your nails.

I chose to start with both thumbs first, then proceed with the right hand and left hand, just because the space in the lamp isn't as big as a salon's UV lamp. I started with my right hand just because I am more comfortable painting with my right hand so I choose to keep the easiest for last.

After curing the Base and Top Coat for 30 seconds (until the lamp beeps), you then proceed to the first layer of Color polish. A thin coat again, as it can run while curing (learned the hard way, my nail was colored in the middle and run all around, forcing me to redo my nail).

You cure this time for 60 seconds (til the lamp turns off). Paint a second light coat and cure for 60 seconds.

You then apply another coat of the Base & Top Coat and cure for another 30 seconds (I chose to leave it in for a full 60 seconds this time).

Your nails at this point will look good but feel sticky from the moisture surfacing throughout all the curing steps. This is when you dab some more Cleanser on a lint-free wipe and proceed to wiping your nails thoroughly.

Et voila!

Wash your hands with light soap and you're ready to go! No drying time, no avoiding touching anything.

I give this product a 9 on 10, only because of my bad experience opening the package. It is great. However I have not tested removing the product and have not tried it with the Gel Primer. I will see if skipping this step will make the product last as long as it should, which is said to last at least 2 weeks.

It's available for purchase online and I believe is widely available in the US and UK. I heard it was available in Canada however have yet to see it in any Walmart or Shoppers Drug Marts.

This is the finished product (I think it looks great!)

The meaning of "Pissing on your parade"

Well did I just get a friggen surprise yesterday.

I called the hospital to know where I was at with the waiting list for the lapband, turns out I am on no list at all. After dr leclerc transferred all his patients to sacred heart hospital in Montreal, all patients waiting for their appointments were on a "list" of people waiting to be dealt with, not an actual waiting list. The thing is when I called they told me they already have all their current patients waiting for operations, guess where I was calling? Rockland MD! Where I went in October! I was so angry inside. So the secretary goes on telling me they still need to find a way to manage giving appointments to these new patients and that won't be before September or October before they actually do something about it. She also said I would have to fill out a form online so they could call me. I already did that, nearly 2 years ago! It took them almost a year to call me! And when I finally met with dr atlas he made me feel like he was pushing the gastric bypass on me which doesn't make me feel so comfortable.

So I was left back to square one. How disappointing!

So I have decided to call Pierre-Boucher hospital in longueuil and put myself on that list. Honestly whatever happens will happen. In the meanwhile I will try to do it the hard way, although it never worked before. But it may be different this time around now that I am controlling my hypothyroidism with Syntroid.

We will see.

Delirium

So much has been going on in our world these past few days. Everything we read in the papers or hear on the news gets stranger and more morbid day by day. I just don't understand!

I know that concerning the case in Montreal (I refuse to name this man, refuse to give his name any sort of energy possible), the news are constantly talking about how horrible how gruesome the murder was. This has influenced a lot of people, curious people, to want to see just how horrible it really was and search for the video online. (if you're thinking about watching it right now, please don't. Just don't do it, out of respect for the victim.) I not only find it horrible that the media is putting out so much detail about what actually happened, instead of just showing pictures of the guy in all possible shapes or forms so we finally get him , but the other night they showed a part of the video. I've got one word for this: outrageous. It is so disrespectful. Not only does it put the victim and his family to shame in a way, it is making a massive amount of people going to see something they really do not need to see EVER in their lives. So please AGAIN do not watch it. You don't need the images in your head.

Now a few days after this case is plastered in Canadian news, cases from Miami and Maryland come up with pure evil, possessed and horrible events.

It brings me to ask myself (I'm sure you do too): who does such a thing?

I cannot begin to imagine what must go through your head to want to do that to another human being! I am sad, shocked, scared, horrified and scarred for life by the images and thoughts of what happened to these poor men.

I personally believe that when you commit a crime, or do "God's work" (that is of taking someone's life away, not meaning that God kills people for no reason), you will face judgement when time comes. No jail sentence, capital punishment, revenge will put any of this to rest. When you go, and your soul must pass or fail to enter God's kingdom, you will be faced with every single things you've done.

I sincerely hope that the families who lost their loved ones get to put them to rest in a peaceful an respectful manner. I am glad to hear that our country will be helping Montreal's victim's family to come and either bury their son in Canadian soil, or bring him home to China.

Rest in peace and may your souls be released forever, in peace.

As for the monsters, nothing to say to you.

50 shades...

Soooooo... Where do I get started?

As you probably assumed with the title of this post, yes I have read Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James. In fact I read the trilogy all in a few days. (long weekend, go figure).

Listen. I'm not the kind of person to talk about my personal life and cringe when it comes to the birds and the bees (don't wanna talk about it, hear about it... No.) I'm a prude yes. I just don't think that subject should be discussed outside of my relationship with my boyfriend.

So with that in mind, I read those books. If you haven't read them, go ahead why not. If you like romance it's a decent story. (Do not read if you don't appreciate amateur writing skills... It was initially written as fan fiction to Twilight after all...). This book is very explicit, but I mean VERY. I usually read books and pass them along to my mother. This will be the ONLY exception (saving myself from an uncomfortable discussion...). I tried to read these books and put aside all the extra... I'd like to say all the gore attached to the storyline (again... !!! Not comfortable hearing/talking/reading/discussing that kind of stuff!!!) and tried to focus on the storyline. Not only is the writing so... Ordinary but the vocabulary tends to be repetitive and it seems like the author learned a new word while writing each book (she likes to employ the word "sinews" when describing how muscular Grey is.. Personally if I saw my boyfriends sinews when he flexes id be worried he has become anorexic.. How can you see that??)

Anyway. I'm no going to spoil any details in my blog, as I hope you do read it for whatever reasons you may have (just don't tell me!). However I have a few suggestions...

1. You may not want to borrow the book from a friend or from the library... For some obvious, and not so obvious reasons...
2. If you don't want people to know you are reading the books, simply don't tell them (avoiding uncomfortable conversations) and maybe opt for the e-book rather than the oh so obvious book with the sexy tie image on the front.
3. Chances you will find a guy like Christian Grey are slim to none.
4. If you do... DON'T SIGN ANYTHING!
5. Don't try to write your own books. Writing like this should be illegal.

I'm not hating on the author in any way. I read the books and liked them for the simple fact that it was a good fictional romance (very fictional, borderline fantasy) and that Anastasia Steele is easy to relate to.. Then again, she has no specific personality so anyone could relate to her.

I give it 3 stars, because I'm nice and think that if you have nothing to read and want to read something captivating, these books will do just that. However, the writing and cliches sometimes want to make you vomit. Oh, and the details in certain "activities" are unnecessary, especially when eating lunch. (I swear.)

Love. (a self-esteem prayer)

Don't ever let anybody make you feel worthless. Stay true to yourself. This world is a battlefield and you are your only trusted ally. Love yourself, embrace yourself and appreciate your life. Amen.

Relapse.

I failed. Couldn't do it. I signed in.

Is it really that hard? Put a plate with the most delicious food in front of me and I will resist. Give me unlimited funds to go shopping and I will resist...

How hard can it be?

Don't think I can do it...

I'm really tempted to download my Facebook app and sign in!! What is wrong with me? I can resist a whole bunch of things but not this? A month seems awfully long!! HELP!!

Bored.

So this is my 3rd day? 4th day? I'm not sure... But I'm starting to get bored. I wonder what lots of people are doing... Wondering if pictures of Jason's cousin's confirmation were posted online... I'm wondering how much I'm missing out on.

So to keep myself entertained, I have been charging Jason's credit card with apps on my iPhone (he doesn't know about it.. Sorry honey!)

I got myself busy on angry birds and bejeweled... What a life.

I'm tempted to go back on just to see... I don't know if I will be able to last til June... I just feel so lonely all of a sudden!! Isn't it crazy?

Thou shall not be tempted. Merr. :(

This sucks.

Wow. I really thought it was going to be easy.

It's actually pretty hard. More annoying than anything. The world is no longer at my finger tips. I get frustrated everytime I realize I am checking my phone just to check Facebook! My mother in law wanted me to send her a picture of the dress I am wearing to a confirmation tomorrow and didn't realize I couldn't because I don't use Facebook!

Do I miss it? A bit. For what reason? It's not so easy to share information with people. I have to relearn all the ways to do it. It's not hard but not obvious in a world where social media is your direct link to society.

I was tempted to go through Jason's Facebook to see if anyone had posted on my wall.. But I resisted. That would be considered cheating. So I didn't do it. But I did wonder how much I was missing. How many notifications I must have at the moment. Did I miss any important messages? I have to remember I am the only one in my world right now who is not "on Facebook". Will they realize that and call me or email me instead?

The idea of not being able to be up to date with people's lives and updating my life events isn't that stressful but the idea of having to relearn ways of communications all over again is. It's all put there available to us but obviously we pick the easiest, simplest and quickest way. In my case Facebook. I have to learn to pick up the habit of thinking that the first way of contacting someone is by phone. That's hard, considering I haven't spoken to a lot of people by phone in a long time. Will they recognize my voice? ( I can't help but to giggle st the thought.) Would it be awkward? I think so, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge quite yet but maybe that will come up within the next couple of weeks.

Social experiment: Facebook detox. Day 1

Yes I know I said I would start May 1st... But I changed my mind. Why wait?

What made me change my mind? I'd rather not tell but I will say I was annoyed by something (or rather someone) so I decided to start earlier.

Who needs this anyway? Seriously? When you get to the point where you are constantly checking your Facebook to see other peoples updates and such.. What kind of life is that? What is it really doing for me anyway? Some say they want to keep in touch with friends and relatives... You know what? I think I'd rather get a phone call or a text...

So this is my very first post sans- Facebook. Wish me luck, wish me whatever. If you are interested, stay tuned as I go on this Facebook detox. My account is still active so these blog posts get posted automatically however I will not be replying to any Facebook requests or messages.

May 1st 2012. Mark the date on your calendar!

On May 1st, I will take on a new challenge. I will be abandoning my Facebook and Twitter accounts for 30 days! Let's remember the good old days!

I will however keep a journal during my "journey to a cure to stop Facebookinitis", none better than doing this through my blog! That is the only exception to the rule.

My Facebook and twitter accounts will remain active so followers can read live daily updates of my blog that are posted automatically on these two channels. I will not be accepting any invites, responding to any comments or messages (email notification turned off! tee-hee)

I cannot wait to start! I already am imagining the feelings and anxiety I will get from not being so connected to the world anymore. I will evaluate my anxiety and social levels daily.

You may be wondering what brought this on? May be thinking :"well, it's been done before..."

First answer: nothing. Second answer: maybe... But not for me!

I was born in 1989 so I have seen all possible brand new computers come out. I have sneaked out of my room to chat with a friend at night and got caught because of the dial up tone. I have experienced loss of connectivity due to someone picking up the phone, or missing important phone calls. I remember my friends getting high speed Internet and they got to download music and play games so much faster than I could! Then came the beginnings of MySpace (remember the max of 6 pictures?!) and msn messenger, hi5. I remember getting my very first smart phone that gave me access to email on the go! Then came along Facebook.. ( a girl from college had to confirm that I went to the same school she did in order to be able to join our college's network!) and all the changes that followed... And now in 2012, there is nothing we CANNOT do with Facebook and smart phones ad twitter. TWITTER! I can have an actual conversation with celebrities that I've known for my whole life, who never knew I existed!

All this is fantastic, but it's got it's downfalls. Facebook can seriously ruin relationships, friendships, credibility, and can also incriminate you of anything from cyber bullying to fraud and theft (bling ring, California). You cannot hide anymore. We are constantly wanting to see what someone is up to, post pictures and status updates, look up for long-lost friends or see what our exes are up to without us.

I love Facebook. Mostly because I can keep in touch with those I don't see often and see how they are doing. I can share pictures with family I don't see either. But honestly, I need a break.

Look at it as a form of therapy, or "rehab". I don't need Facebook to live, but I'm addicted to it! What happened to calling up a friend to see how they're doing, or sharing actual printed pictures from parties and stuff (I always made doubles!) (you will not be getting prints in the mail, rest assured)

I have a good feeling about this. It's going to be fun and entertaining.

So stay tuned! Again, Facebook and twitter will ONLY be used to automatically post my daily updates (which are automatically generated by blogspot, thank you )

See you in the past!! (I am having a michael j fox moment over here with back to the future..hmmm)

Renewal of hope. (I hope??)

New month... New season... Is this what is bringing some fresh air to my brain, making me feel like I can finally think and see clearly?

Now wait a minute... Is it just another one of these episodes where I feel great and life is beautiful and lalala? If it is I am seriously going to consider being bipolar no jokes. To be honest, I can't take being sad and depressed any longer. I need to feel good again. I need to feel like I am myself and that I want to do things a normal 22 year old would do, regardless of what I've been through. I feel like my mind stops me from doing anything based on what I've been through. Bad experiences, traumatic events, periods of depression... It always sticks in the back of my mind, whenever I am asked to go out or invited anywhere.. It even happens when I invite my own family over! It stops me from calling people and wishing them happy Easter! I'm not crazy. I know we all have it in us to better ourselves and cure ourselves from anything. I need therapy for many things, but it doesn't mean I have to pay someone to do it for me.

So I have decided to kick myself in the butt. I am going to wake up every morning with a new achievement for the day (if possible) and make sure I accomplish it! I'm not going skydiving or anything crazy yet! I'll start slowly. This week, my goal is to go out on a date with Jason. Being out in the public, within a crowd of people, talking and having a great time. I haven't done that in years! That's nothing big. Then I will slowly accept invitations out with friends and eventually go out a bit more and getting to be the old me and socialize. Back in high school I could never shut up! I would meet people and instantly become friends with them! And after certain things happened... With my nervous breakdown and depression 2 years ago... It all went downhill and I really lost myself. I want to feel alive. I feel dead inside. I put up a front, go to work and act normal but then I come home and isolate myself. I refuse to be like this!

So this is why I am planning a night out with my honey. It's a secret for him (yay) but with my big mouth who knows if I can keep a secret! I just want to enjoy myself and have fun.

If that goes well, what else can I achieve?

Speaking with my mom about all this the other day, she made me realize something: I don't paint anymore. That's true. I used to let it all out on my bedroom walls when I was a teen. My mom almost wanted to cry when she moved. She wanted to take my walls with her. It was a part of me and who I was. She's the best. I don't know another parent who would let their kid paint their bedroom walls like a canvas with acrylic paint. Well she did. And it was important for her to let me do it.

I'm not going to do that here. I'm an adult now. I don't live alone. I don't think Jason would appreciate, plus I don't want to use my home in that way. But I will paint. There's something about it that is therapeutic. You can paint something, start over, scrap it or keep it. But at the moment you do it, you let out your present emotions and they stay there as long as you wish. I remember in high school, in art class, we had to make a painting of something, anything, as long as it it in the theme of "child abuse" and the only rule was you couldn't use paintbrushes. Man, I nailed that project. I wonder where my painting is today... I loved it. I had thrown paint all over it. Really dramatic looking. Dark reds, black, purples... It looked like bruises. But I had flicked white paint on it with star-shaped stencils. I had newspaper letter cutouts spelling:"don't hurt kids". I loved that piece.

Well now that I am done reminiscing and have a concrete plan in mind, I can only hope for a better tomorrow. I want this to work. I don't want to be sad anymore. Things happen in life, good or bad, but they shape you into who you are. I don't care if I come from a broken family, if I have a weight problem or self esteem issues. I don't care if I had depression since I was 14 or if I was traumatized by a school shooting. I am me. That will never change. Things around me can shape me on the outside but on the inside, I am Gaby.

Motivation: Zero... part 2.

I never believe this day could come so quickly... BUT THE WEEK IS FINALLY OVER! THANK GOODNESS!

I am now off for 4 days for the Easter weekend.

What a week I had! I barely slept, and when I did I woke up with a crick in my neck, back pain and massive headaches...

Today was not any better... I'm not going to get into details, because although I know that having this blog exposes my life to the world, I chose it for myself but not for others. All I'll say is that my anxiety level hit an 11 on 10 today and it was not fun. At all.

I'm sitting at my computer right now (something I have not done in quite some time while blogging, always using my Blogger app on my iPhone). I am tired, but can't get myself to bed. I've got an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow to test for carpal tunnel (apparently this will be fun... not). I am still wearing these stupid splints (aren't they supposed to help???). Hopefully I can have the rest of the day to do some shopping for the house and relax.

I don't know what to do these days. I just can't get a grip on my moods. I am feeling quite low, a bit sad and lonely. I just need to cool off, relax, do stuff for myself, maybe a bit of shopping therapy?

Lots of things are resurfacing and I don't think I'm ready to face them mentally... However I cannot keep pushing them aside, thinking I can deal with them another time.

I wish I could drink away my sorrows lol... but I can't even do that! Can't drink with the medication I take! UGGH!

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

Motivation: zero.

I've been feeling kind of weird these past few days...

Last week my doctor lowered my dose of Celexa (I am down to 20mg daily) and that seems fine (I requested it). But I have been feeling really anxious and had 2 episodes of completely chaotic panic attacks in the past month. I don't know if any of it is related to our recent move. I find that overall my life is ok. Work is fine. We are doing ok financially (We don't miss out on anything). However my mood has even all over the place... I know that there's lots of stuff that could explain this (stress, PMS, etc...) but I can't seem to quite pinpoint what the issue is.

I am not feel happy.

Now I'm not trying to start a whole pity circus, I want no sympathy or anything. It's entirely my problem and no one is the cause to this. However, I can't help but feel sad, on so many different levels. I am just not happy. I don't find happiness at home, or at work. I have been isolating myself for so long, refusing to go out that people don't even bother to ask me anymore. My colleagues often have a happy hour on Thursday's and they won't ask me anymore because they no ill decline. It then became clear to me why a little while ago. I isolate myself because I am afraid to be exposed and to be in crowded places. I'm going to stop right there because I really don't feel like getting into it but that's what it is. I admitted it for the very first time to my friend today. It felt weird.

I just want to be home. Alone. With Jason and our goldfish and our finches and no one else. I'll chat, text and such but I don't want to be with people. Weird isn't it? I use to go out, go to concerts, parties, bars and clubs. I used to meet new people and make new friends. Used to go to friends houses and movies and restaurants... You name it. That was who I was. The real Gaby. I do none of that today...

I wish I could go back to the old me, I just don't know how. I know there are things I need to sort out to achieve this but it involves spending money and time and I can't really do that right now... I really want to just try and figure it out on my own.

I really miss it. I miss my friends so much. I used to be so close to them and we grew so far apart. It's my fault. I know it. Because they never missed out on inviting me to place and wanting to see me and my new apartments... I just couldn't do it. The anxiety that crept up on me when it came to deciding was just too unbearable. I couldn't take it. I really hope I can make up for it and that they will still be as much my friends as they used to be when I was the old me. I miss them so much.

With the isolation, I feel like I'm left alone to myself and think too much. I get home, eat supper with Jason and we watch tv and he falls asleep on the couch. Here we go again. Alone. By myself? What am I supposed to do? Well one can guess, I think and think and think! And then the whole guilt process starts again. It also makes me miss seeing Jason more (sleepy was) and my family. Oh wait. I forgot. Family issues fall into this whole hot mess. Not talking to this person but feel ok about the other. Old wounds reopen and start new wars and feelings of resentment. Great!

Phones ring... Who's going to pick up? Me? When I'm usually crying or concentrated on changing my thoughts through music or reading? Jason is sleeping (zzz zzz zzz) and wouldn't even twitch if world war 3 exploded across the street! How is it that I can't face people anymore? Have I become so fucked up, to the point I am anti social now? What is wrong with me? I WANT to go out see my friends, drink and have a good time.. Why am I not? That's the question! I'm just not happy. Not depressed (because I want to stop the anti depressants so badly please!). I am 22 and missing out on everything.

Now to the motivation. Not only am I feeling like a toasted piece of crap, I am waiting for the surgery since forever. I know it's not something to play with, not a miracle cure, and definitely not something that would be healthy if it happened overnight. But I just wish that it could come already. I am losing hope really fast. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to get it done. But forget it. If the hospital knew what state of mind I am right now they would probably put me back at the bottom of that waiting list, telling me I come back when I set my shot straight. *sigh*

I am hoping for a better future. My goal is to "resocialize" myself, learn to behave again... Learn not to take everything at heart. I need to learn how to be strong and set my food down. I hope that the next post will be filled with great achievements because honestly, this one sucks.

Young. Wild. Free.

Just a quiet Sunday night in bed, reading with Jason. It's raining outside. Just the way I like to spend my evening. Quiet and peaceful.

I'm now reading "I've Got Your Number" by Sophie Kinsella. Great read. It's fun, entertaining and if you're quirky like I am you will definitely see yourself in Poppy Wyatt!

As she is celebrating her engagement at a tea party, Poppy loses her engagement ring, a family heirloom passed on for 3 generations in her fiancé's family! And while she is looking for it all over the place, her cell phone gets snatched! But not to worry, she finds a cellphone in a garbage can... How strange... Who would throw a cellphone in the trash?

Talk about bad luck!

What follows are a series of events involving her and and the man who's ex personal assistant owned the phone before her, along with preparations to a wedding with a man she loves but whose family is not quite sure she meets their "standards". It's a funny and entertaining story of a girl who tried to fit in by being someone she isn't, and that pretends to be a company executive by being herself. A must read, like all her books (see "Remember Me?", "Can You Keep A Secret?" and "Undomestic Goddess").

That's all for me today. I'm diving bak in my book.

Until next time!

Reaping day!

Book I am currently reading: "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins

It was about time I started reading this book! I bought it a while ago, say 2 months ago.. And usually I buy a book because I know I'll be into it and will want to read it.. But all with the move and packing, I lost interest and sort of hives it aside, let it be a dust magnet to eventually toss it in a moving box and forget about it.

I found it again this week! A colleague of mine was reading it and told me how good it was and how she couldn't wait to go see the movie with her niece at the midnight showing Thursday night... When I got home, I set it on my night table and when time came that I went to bed, I started reading it...

Not really interested and mostly trying to kill time (too early to fall asleep, fed up of watching tv, etc) I started reading one page... Then another.. And another... To then find myself having read over 50 pages! I am officially hooked! I am already excited to log on the chapters.ca to add "Catching Fire" and "Mockinjay" to my cart!!!

So I'm still reading the book and I am in no position to rate truthfully it yet but all I can is: "so far, so HOOKED!"

With this, today felt like spring was FINALLY here! This winter wasn't do bad. Everyone gets winter blues and in some low points (mine are usually really bad) and even though I did go through some tough times, I'm gla to say they weren't that bad. Hey, I survived didn't I? I made it through a move to a 3rd floor! I made it financially! I was sick just a few times (compared to previous years...). But even after all that, this morning I woke up to a sunny day, my grandmother's birthday. It meant one thing: spring is here. Windows can be opened. Heater plugs on the electrical fuse box can be shut off. Heck, Jason and I were even tempted to set up the air conditioning... Then I remembered my grandmother and her favorite quote:" En avril, ne te découvre pas d'un fil." (French for: " In April, do not shed a piece of clothing") We are still in March, let's not risk getting sick!

I hope more beautiful days are to come and that this wasn't just a teaser. I want the real deal Mother Nature! Let those tulips grow! I see them! Let the birds sing! No more snow, please!

I wish seasons could freeze in time and it could be Spring all the time. It's the best time of the year.

Fatigue

So I've moved in to my new place with Jason nearly 2 weeks ago now. Things are slowly coming together and things taking back their appropriate space (hurray for a functional kitchen and living room/dining room!!).

I came to realize this week that every sticky situation always comes with a blessing in disguise. When I hear that we needed to move from our old place, I was torn. Leave the place that initially helped me crawl out of the darkness? The place where our lives finally started making sense? But as time went by and we were looking for apartments, things were starting to surface out of nowhere ( I'm talking mould, cracks in walls, etc). With that, I realized that all our health problems probably were related! Even with the little time it took us to find the new place and move, we quickly became prepared to embark on this new adventure together and take over the new apartment and make it ours!

Now we're talking of a century old building, in the south-west of Montreal. Crooked window and door frames, slanted floors, skylight with windows you cannot open (too old!)... And you would probably think that's a nightmare. But it's what gives it it's charm! 12ft ceilings? 3 floor with view of the Mount Royal and part of downtown? We're in love! It took me a while at first because I was looking at the defects rather than the potential. I'm glad I changed my mind!

Things seem to be getting better. Winter blues seem to be melting away. Spring is here! Of course, the arrival of spring means mother nature is out of control, temper wise! So it raining one day, 15 degrees, and the next day it snows.. She's all over the place!

Whatever. I just can't wait to put away ALL winter gear! ( Good bye! So long! Ta-ta! Farewell!!) Done, done, DONE!

Living in a maze

Just a little over a week left until we move. Boxes lined up in the hallway because of the lack of space in this apartment. All kidding aside, it's a safety hazard to walk in my house right now. Boxes on top if boxes on top of boxes... And the house still looks like a house. It's so stressful. I think once all the clothes will be packed and big furniture disassembled it will finally look like we're moving and we've actually done something because right now, it feels like no matter how many hours I spend on packing it's like my house is the opposite of Mary Poppins' purse.

Finally got certain things straightened out. I feel kind of bad and guilty that I will be using my boyfriend as a mover ( good workout I guess??) and I am so appreciative that he is willing to save a few hundred bucks to move the stuff himself with my brothers. I guess the good part of having strong brothers when you're a girl is that they would never let you down when it comes to muscle stuff? Ahhh gotta love them.

Overall everything is pretty okay I guess. Im waiting for my first appointment with Dr. Leclerc at hotel dieu in march. I hope it all goes well. Other than that, things are pretty smoothe-sailing right now. Life is good, appreciating the good things, recognizing how blessed we are. My relationship with Jason is so great at the moment. I love seeing him happy, and confident again. He is shining, it almost makes me want to cry. He really truly amazes me. What a 180 compared to 3 years ago! I'm so proud of you my love. You have a bright future ahead of you. Love you xox

New year, New post. New house. New beginnings?

Wow I haven't posted anything on here in quite some time. The fact is I had nothing to say. I have been waiting for the sun to come back, winter blues is hitting me pretty hard. I try to surround myself with fun people that are high on life so I can feel good as well. However it's not always that easy. I want the snow to go away, I want to smell the spring air.

We are moving again. Across the street. Isn't that funny? I am moving in 2 weeks. I am still trying to get it all together and get the packing done and over with. It's pretty difficult because I just feel like I have no energy whatsoever. It's tough.

But I'm sure I will make it through.