Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Dwelling on the past...

So this has nothing to do with weightloss.

In fact it has to do with something a lot more personal. My anxiety, depression and now: dwelling on the past. 

Lately I have been obsessing on how my life could have been different, how I envy certain people for what they have and where they are in life. I'm feeling low.

You would think that someone like me has it going good in her life with all the big changes I made in my life to make it better. Than why do I feel worthless? 

I need to start by saying I am not looking for pity from anyone. I'm just trying to channel my feelings in a healthy manner: writing them. 

I was attending my sister's soccer gala not long ago and a bunch of teenagers were hanging out together. Girls at one table, boys at another. Girls were giggling and talking and had one girl and one boy go back and forth passing on messages to another girl and another boy. I thought to myself: "these kids are so innocent. Just free spirited and growing up and exploring life. I wanna go back to those days." But truly, do I really wish to be a teenager again? Awkward and insecure and with untreated anxiety and depression? I had so many fears when I was a kid and some really stopped me from blooming. I could have been something more. But life got in the way. Shit happened and I got worse psychologically. 

I'm happy that I did get treatment and that I am able to function normally now  but I still obsess on petty stuff. Relationships and friendships that went down the drain. Dropping out of school (or getting expelled from college rather, because I was too emotionally unbalanced to even care about going to class.) How do you make yourself appreciate what you have when your past haunts you?

I keep thinking about the most recent time I truly felt happy: the morning after my surgery. It was almost scary. I woke up in a truly euphoric state. The sun was shining through my window. Birds were singing and the weather was perfect. Life was beautiful. It actually reminds me now of the morning before my life went haywire. I don't want to go back there (those doors have long been shut and bolted) but I got the same feeling about life: it was good. Only this time it really was good and nothing went wrong. My day went by uneventfully. The sun kept shining, the birds kept singing and I kept feeling good. If life was good on that day then why don't I feel this way everyday since?

I don't truly understand what is wrong with me besides that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and to make me ok I have to take medication and that's just the way things are. But why? Why am I clinically anxious? Why am I depressed? What is it about my adult life that is so bad? I've got a great job. I have a loving family. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are loyal and have hearts of gold. Sure I may have had to go through bad stuff in my life but I am here now aren't I? I'm alive. I am somewhat healthy. One of my dreams came true this summer and my progress is spectacular and truly makes me happy. Sometimes. When the bad stuff doesn't come creeping in.

But regardless of all that I have why do I still feel cheated?

My anxiety and depression made me lose a lot with time. Friends drifted. Bridges burned with many people including family. Some were hard to accept and some just needed to happen. It made me waste a lot of time that could have been spent on living life, experiencing new things. 

My PTSD made me curl up in a ball and stay indoors for years. My social anxiety only went away after many years. When people don't understand they assume you're obnoxious and think you're too good for them when really it's not true. You're feeling like you're not good enough, you're not worthy of their friendship. I wouldn't call people on their birthdays. I wouldn't pick up the phone when they called. I turned down invitations to parties and dinners. I really wanted to go but I just couldn't. The thought of getting out the door terrified me. Too many times did my boyfriend offer to go with me. He is my rock and my safe house. But I could gather all the courage in the world and it would still not be enough. I wanted more than anything to have them around me but I pushed them away. I let my illnesses get the best of me and I lost a lot in the end. A lot.

It feels good to be able to let this off my chest now because before I was embarrassed. I felt bad. I'm ok with my illness not being taboo anymore and I'm ok with sharing my experiences with others. I wish others had done the same for me. 

So going back to my main question: what is preventing me from feeling fulfilled? Am I just bored? I know we can't feel happy everyday (we all have ups and downs) but can't there be just a bit of happiness? 

There are so many things I want and obsess over. Some make sense. Some are crazy. Some are part of my "dwelling in the past" nonsense and some are just me being impatient. For some time in the past, I was obsessed with having a baby. Trust me, I am 25 now and I was about 20 back when this obsession started and I knew I was nowhere ready to have a child both mentally and financially. I didn't really want a kid, but I wanted something that would fill the void I felt deep inside. My boyfriend thought I was nuts. At the time we lived in a basement appartment and I wasn't officially diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression (go figure). No wonder I was looking to fill a void. But I wanted a baby. I could spend hours watching baby videos on YouTube. I would get emotional. I even had irregular periods (maybe provoked by this nonsense) and had 1 or 2 negative pregnancy tests. 

I finally snapped out of it but then I became obsessed with Twilight. I kept reading the books over and over again. Crying each time. Watching the movies in a loop on my time off and wishing I had that much romance in my life. A passionate and mysterious love in my life that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel ok. I can't imagine how that must have been on my boyfriend's ego (sorry love!) but I went through that phase too and on to the next. Nail polish.

I mean we all have our vices and sometimes push the envelope a bit too far. Some with drugs and alcohol, others with sex and money. Some are just phases while others truly have a chemical imbalance in their brains. I think I'm the latter. I also think it explains why I am always searching for something to hold on to otherwise the cycle starts over again. 

Upon reflection I have decided that I could concentrate on that day I remember being happy and the root of that happiness. My weightloss journey. Perhaps I can use that and build myself a path (and a healthy one) towards new achievements and new goals instead of thinking about the ifs and buts. I could make new plans and work on them. I could seek therapy in other activities such as meditation and yoga. Find a new type of "drug" shall we say. 

I could be happy. I need a new mantra and I need to start over.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

84 days post-op: health scare and changes

So there's been a lot happening since last month...

I am currently in bed. I have been spending the last week in bed and will spend the next 2 weeks in bed as well. Yup. I was rushed to the hospital at the end of last week for nausea, vomiting and intense pain. I had been feeling iffy for a few days but brushed it off as a 24 hour thing. Things weren't getting better, I hadn't been able to eat for over 48 hours and couldn't even hold water. I was afraid for my band so I decided going to the ER was the best way to be sure I would be ok. After waiting several hours (and slowly sipping on some Pedialite) I finally saw a doctor who advised me I had an abscess the size of the palm of my hand! 

When he told me that, things went from crazy to crazier and everything happened really quickly. One moment I was talking to the doctor and the next I was giving instructions to my boyfriend to contact my work and saying goodbye as I was being wheeled away to the operation room. I was getting surgery within minutes. I was terribly scared. I kept praying "God give me strength. God watch over me." I kept repeating it even when I was given oxygen and trying to fight the anaesthesia until everything went black.

I woke up and it was time to wheel me into my room. Everything had gone well. It's the first thing I asked. I was still really groggy but I was curious enough to ask how long I had been out and I was under for about 20 minutes. When I got to my room I grabbed the telephone and failed my boyfriend's number. He couldn't stay because the visiting hours were over but he wasn't even home yet. I got around to calling everyone I could (including my work) and then by 11pm finally decided I couldn't find the painkillers anymore and I drifted to sleep.

The next morning was interesting. I was allowed to eat so their choices were a bit overwhelming (I hadn't eaten in 72 hours by then). My nurse (is there a male name for nurse? Man nurse?) tended to my wound and gave me meds, removed my IV and overall sickly person needs. 

Soon enough I met with my surgeon again and got the ok to go home and it was time to go.

Surprisingly I wasn't prescribed anything for pain and the whole process was really overbearing. I hadn't taken my anxiety meds for 4 days by the time I got home, I was really tired and uncomfortable and had to take baths 2-3 times a day with a tube sticking out of my skin. I had a major meltdown and I am thankful I had my stepmom there to help me (and support me mentally!) as I really needed help. 

The next day was my first appointment with the nurse to tend to my  wound and a new problem arises: she can't clean out the drain. Nothing to worry about according to her, but I couldn't go to sleep with that on my mind. I call the hospital and explain what is going on. After placing me on hold for 5 minutes, they advise me to go to the ER immediately. My heart sank. I was exhausted. I was fed up. I was miserable and I didn't need this right then. My prayers kick in again until the triage nurse sees me (happens to be the nurse who prepped me up for surgery) and after inspecting my wound and speaking to the doctor it turns out I'm ok. 

Now the "fun" part. So since my surgeon was on his last day of work before going on vacation he took advantage of the fact that I was already scheduled to meet with my bariatric surgeon on Wednesday to follow up on my abscess and remove the drain. That was exciting. So as uncomfortable as I was I still managed to go to my appointment and did my usual task of filling out a questionnaire on what I ate in the past month, how it went, and the fun part: weighing myself. I walked over to the scale. Turn it on. Watch the numbers adjust. 360. 350. 349.6lbs. WHAT?! I blinked. I couldn't believe it. I beat the 350 mark and I honestly didn't think anything like that would happen. Last month I had gained 4lbs up to 368lbs. I had lost 19lbs in a month??? I walked back to my seat with a huge grin, forgetting about the fact that I had a tube sticking out of my skin, forgetting the pain. That was the best feeling. I got to my phone and texted my family and friends. I was so happy. Then everything happened quickly and my name was called and before I knew it I was out the door on my way to pick up my prescription (painkillers at last!) and heading home. 

So since then things have been stable. I am getting treatment for my wound daily by the nurses at the clinic, eating normally now and sleeping a lot (thanks to my medication...) 

The pain is easily managed now with the medication and sleeping helps me heal. I'm able to wash normally but still sit in the tub every now and then. I'm hoping this heals quickly. I had no idea what to expect when I showed up at the hospital last Saturday (and I was certainly not expecting this!). 

It's been a learning experience for sure. When the surgeon first told me I had an abscess I thought "oh ok. Stick a needle, remove the bad stuff, bandage it real tight and I'm good to go" and boy was I wrong! I learned that you need to react quickly to anything odd when you don't feel well. Had I waited any longer it could have attacked my muscles and it could have been worse. Sometimes (and most of the time) you cannot take it upon yourself to take care of the world. I cannot heal everything and I can certainly not fix everything. I need to learn to trust others and that I cannot control every situation that arises. 

I will go back to bed now as I have another day ahead of me (with another appointment with the nurses) so I'll go back to bed. I will keep praying for my health and speedy recovery.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

50 days post-op: change in progress

Tomorrow is my first appointment post-op with my surgeon. It will also be the first time I weigh myself since the day of my surgery. I'm scared. 

Everything has been going really well, especially in the beginning. Nearly two months later I feel nearly no restriction and that's what's not helping me control my portions. I still keep track of what I eat but I can eat more than I wish I could and it worries me. 

Everything goes through smoothly except certain foods: bread and meat. I have to be extra careful to chew well and eat slowly. The pain in indescribable. Let me put it this way: it's like trying to push playdough through a straw and making sure it goes through. This is what bread and some meats do: they block. It hurts. The feeling is something in between choking and needing to throw up. It helps if I drink to help it go down but it just fills up my stomach with more liquid, making me hungry faster. 

I have been keeping away from junk food with the exception of one trip to McDonald's so far (and it wasn't as pleasant as I remember it being). I've been keeping away from soft drinks for the most part (I will opt for iced tea or lemonade if I'm out). I've had a drink of soft drink here and there but I don't like it anymore mainly because the bubbles just make me burp and it's not pleasant.

I have been loving sweets though and I try to be as careful as possible but during recovery nothing felt better than Popsicles so I picked up the bad habit of eating lots of those and ice cream. I have had some cake (on my niece's birthday) and some Italian pastries now and then but I'm glad I still try hard to keep away from anything bad for me. My biggest concern is portion control at the moment and I'm hoping my appointment with my doctor will help solve this if he gives me a fill (as I'm assuming my band is empty at the moment).

Otherwise, I have been keeping track of my foods using my Fitness Plan app, along with tracking my steps with my Fitbit. 

I know I keep saying this but I need to exercise more. I need to walk more. I look at my dad who woke up one morning and just started walking, and now walks 6km a day and I feel so small. I wish I could do the same. But now that I found ways to avoid having to walk home from work I walk a lot less and it feels like I'm turning into a lazy potato again. Yes I feel like a potato.

Starting this week I will be doing my shakes again as meals, as I did during my pre-op diet. I signed up for my Lufa Farms produce basket so that will provide me with fruits and veggies and I'll have no reason not to eat them! 

I'm praying my appointment goes well tomorrow. I pray that I lost more weight. I know that I fit in clothes better than I did before but I'm still not quite where I wish I was in terms of seeing results.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

75 days post-op: off-scale victory!

75 days have passed since my surgery and lots has happened since, yet it feels like it didn't. I've had my first fill and it didn't feel like it did much but I have another appointment scheduled next week...

I've been eating regular portions (and snacking a lot...) but although I feel barely any restriction when I eat I know when I'm full and I know what foods to avoid (no baked taralli!!)

So on to the main subject: off-scale victories. This is how I have been measuring my progress between doctor appointments because I still haven't reached the maximum weight for my scale. Well today I took out my winter coat (it's a rainy 6° out in Montreal this morning!) and it fit better than it did last year! I had a hard time with the buttons last year and the years before but now I could fit my arm between my abdomen and the coat and it would still feel fine!

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Post-op: 1 month later...

I can't believe a month ago I was going to bed and nervous about getting surgery the next morning... It seems like forever ago!

In two weeks I am meeting my surgeon for the very first time since my surgery and I cannot wait. I feel nearly no restriction at the moment and it worries me. I can eat a regular portion with a glass or two of water or juice without a problem. I could probably get away with a portion of dessert as well. Is my mind playing games with me? I don't think so because I have to tell myself "Ok. I don't need to eat right now. I'll just wait til later." When before I really had to stop eating because I was full. 

I am consciously trying to keep my eating habits in check. I keep a daily log using the My Fitness Plan app, conjointly with my FitBit app and wearing my bracelet. It's interesting to see how many steps and how my sleep pattern looks like during regular days but I am anxious to start walking daily and see what I clock in with the FitBit! 

Otherwise I am doing ok. I'm more tired (I don't know why) and I just want to sleep all the time (could be all the rain we have been getting lately). I'm back at work since Tuesday and it feels great to get back to a routine. I need to make sure I adapt my lifestyle to work and my health plan and keep up with eating balanced meals and snacks. I had the very bad habit of snacking all day at work on top of eating my lunch. I noticed that this came back really quickly on my 2nd day back to work. 

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor 

20 day post-op update: adjusting to a new lifestyle

Today marks the 20th day post-surgery. The euphoria has died down a bit. I no longer feel like I can walk on water but I still feel great. 

I am already able to eat solids with caution. I have had a few mishaps with certain foods (mainly bread) where I wasn't sure if I was choking or throwing up but for 10 seconds I was convinced I was going to die. Thankfully (and obviously) I didn't.

I am scheduled to go back to work on September 2nd. I feel fine apart from some discomfort near my port. I thought I was better than I actually was and tried to lift my niece up in my arms. A move that I totally regretted. I felt pain on my left side (muscular pain) and had to resume taking my pain medication for a few days. I feel much better now but I still get a small pang of pain here and there.

My diet is pretty much normal now, except I have cut out junk food completely. I haven't had a soda in over 2 months. I did have a craving for fries the other day so I had initially ordered a trio from McDonald's but I could barely finish the fries and I handed the burger over to my brother. I didn't really feel like eating it anyway. My stomach worked all night after eating the fries so it was a clear signal from my body telling me this better be the last time. I didn't really enjoy them anyway. 

Otherwise I have been able to sit down with my family and have dinner with them. I normally should still be on the purée diet but after 4 days of liquids I was able to pass on to purée, and just a little over a week later I was eating soft foods. 

I have a follow up appointment on September 22nd and I am assuming I will be getting a fill that day. I can eat a decent size portion per meal but I would like a bit more restriction. 

My scars have healed beautifully. Two of the small incisions barely look like a scratch now. The larger incisions closed up nicely.

I also experienced my first two off-scale victories.

The first is that I can see (faintly but still) my collarbones! I have never seen them. 

My second is that I was able to cross my legs sitting down for the first time in years! I was really excited. 

I keep checking to see if I have reached my first goal which is to weigh 330 lbs or less. To do that I try weighing myself with a scale (which stops at 330 lbs). That would be a total weightloss of 50 lbs, or 34.4 lbs since my last weigh-in on the day of my surgery.

I'm learning everyday mostly about listening to what my body tells me.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor  

New beginnings... Update!

We are now 11 days after surgery. I never imagined getting this far. I felt happy, liberated. Reborn. I still do. However now my fears are different. I'm afraid this won't work.

In my manual given by the hospital I am supposed to be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and then supposed to go onto step 2 which allows you to eat puréed foods. With the nurses recommendation I was able to move onto step 2 just 5 days after surgery. Slowly but surely I was able to move on to step 3 (soft foods) just 4 days later when step 2 was supposed to last another 2 weeks. I am now a month ahead in my diet and this scares me. Am I recovering faster or is this not working? 

I do feel some restriction. If I eat too much I will definitely feel bad; I feel cramping and bloating. Not fun. But 12 days after surgery should I be able to eat "normally" again?

My scars are starting to heal as well. I still feel pain and still take my pain medication if need be. I stopped using the blood thinners last week and that left really bad bruises on my stomach (I look like I got kicked in the gut several times). I've been sleeping a lot and drinking more water. I had a cold before surgery and I got an ear ache after surgery which lasted for about a week but even that feels better now. All that lingers from the cold is that I need to clear my throat quite often. 

Overall my mood is the same. I feel happy and blessed that it finally happened. I even noticed that my body got used to the decrease in my depression medication (pharmacist had to lower the dose because my dose is not available in the size of pill I can swallow). I still can't sleep a full night sleep without waking up but last night was better (I only woke up because my light was on).

I'm still waiting on my doctor to fill out my paperwork for my employer and that is stressing me a bit but I try not to think about it more than I need to. 

When I feel ready I plan on walking. I've noticed that if I stand or walk for too long my back starts to hurt. I'll wait a few more days before I can start taking walks (15-20 minutes and increasing slowly). I then plan on doing more exercise once I've fully recovered.

So this is it for my update. I'm still recovering so I don't want to spend too much time on writing when I could use the time to rest and take care of myself. Hopefully I get back to where I was soon enough to update you!

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Recovery

Hello,

As you may know by now I had my surgery last Thursday. I am now in recovery and need to heal.

I will be posting updates eventually. In the time being I am taking a small break from blogging to allow myself to rest and heal fully and quickly.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Banded

It's official.

August 7th, 2014 marks the beginning of a new life for me. After 4 years of wait, signing up with 3 different doctors and wanting to give up, 4 years of tears and deception, the day finally came. 

I woke up at 4:30am the morning of my surgery feeling pretty calm. I had packed most of my things ahead of time so it was all just a matter of making sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I had to be at the hospital for 6:30am and my mother was here to pick me up at 5:30am. 

I got to the hospital and I was assigned my bed and put my things away. Got myself in my gown and waited for a series of small preparation tests before surgery. I was scheduled to get operated at 9:30am. 

My mom and I rushed to the scale to weigh me before surgery. Remember that I couldn't use a regular scale as I was too heavy. When I did my preparatory tests back in February I weighed a wiping 377lbs. On the morning of the surgery I weighed 364.4lbs. That's a difference of 13lbs. My mom and I were ecstatic. I had lost what we estimated to be around 20lbs with the preparatory diet, if I had gained weight between February and July. Even the hospital staff was excited for me. I was overjoyed.

The nurse came back and explained how everything was going to go down and showed me how to use my spirometer that I would need to use post-surgery. She did the routine blood work and hooked me up to my iv solution and meds. By the time this was all done it was time for surgery. I was excited.

I was in and out of consciousness as I waited before the doors of the surgery ward. I hadn't slept much and I was tired. I woke up to nurses and doctors softly saying my name to ask me several questions. I guess they thought I was out of it. My surgeon even asked me if I had sleep apnea because I was falling asleep. I was simply tired but I think that helped me calm down.

I was pretty calm the entire time. All my fear and anxiety went away and I was more than ready.

I met with my anesthesiologist that checked my throat and confirmed that I was good to get operated. What a relief especially after being sick for days. 

They wheeled me into the operation room and helped me switch over from my bed to the operating table. Everyone was really nice. I even cracked a joke or two about my bare behind. That seemed to lighten up the mood but everything was very organized and very calm already. I saw an assistant bring in the box containing the Lap-Band and I knew this was really happening. By then it was time to give me oxygen and start explaining to me that I was about to fall asleep. Then I did. And I dreamt. Of what I don't remember but I was at peace.

I woke up to a nurse gently calling out my name. I was still very groggy but she explained that surgery had lasted about an hour and everything went well. I asked about my liver and she said the doctor found it still a bit bigger than supposed to but all had went perfectly according to plans and my surgery was successful. I remember going on saying "that's good" repeatedly and saying how I was happy everything went well and that I had waited for so long for this time to come. I remember finally being able to open my eyes and keep them open and they rolled me back into my observation room where my mother was awaiting me. I was just like my 3-year-old self when I saw her face and exclaimed "mommy!". She was so proud of me and was running her hand across my head. A series of nurses tended to me to see if I was in pain and then started my 6-hour observation period. I felt some discomfort on my left shoulder pulling in from my chest. I was explained that this was due to the gas that was inserted into my abdomen to facilitate the surgery. They checked my bandages a few times and everything seemed normal. They gave me some water and I took very small sips at a time. What a relief. My throat was already dry from not drinking water and being sick but being intubated had made it all "worse". Water felt good. 

I was then in and out of consciousness. I was very sleepy and it took at least 3 hours for me to be fully awake, during all this time nurses would check up on me.

My family came to visit me and I was so happy to see them. Then came my boyfriend and it was time to get ready to go home!

Two nurses came in and showed me how to use my anticoagulants and explained the medication to take and what to expect during the first few weeks after leaving the hospital. We reviewed my diet and I was then ready to leave.

I was overjoyed. My heart could burst from joy right now. I have never felt so accomplished, so complete, so proud. I did this for me and I succeeded.

Going to bed was a tricky thing but my pain meds helped me drift to sleep. I slept 5 hours until now. This is why I am writing. 

I will be resting a lot for the next few days but I am excited to finally embark this health journey. God knows what life has planned for me as of today.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 32: the last supper

Today was the last day. Let the excitement roll in and wash over me. I had even prepared myself by bringing my anxiety pills with me at work in case of an attack. I was excited. I tried my best to focus on work and let the hours go by so I wouldn't have to think about it. And now here we are. It's 12:44am and in 6 hours I will be at the hospital checking in. I'm not nervous but I'm excited. 

I spoke to friends and family about my fear of anesthesia and all seemed very comprehensive. It actually helped me feel much better and made me dig out old tricks my psychologist had given me about the anxiety I get when I am not in control of a situation. 

My hospital bag is fully prepared. My purse and documents, and doubles (just in case!) and my medication along with anticoagulants and ready. 

The best is: I'm ready!

I want to start my new life. I want to feel alive. I want to close this chapter of my life an start a new one.

This is my moment.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 28-29-30-31: thanatophobia

Noun1.thanatophobia - a morbid fear of death 

That's what's on my mind these days. I've come to term with my operation. But the fear of losing my loved ones, the fear that I won't wake up that something will go wrong and I won't make it... That's what's on my mind. Constantly. 

It makes no sense. Sure. It's absurd. Absolutely. Everyone survives this surgery. Of course. I know all of that but my mind thinks differently. And the anxiety skyrockets and I lose it.

Yesterday was supposed to be my surgery. And when I got the call that it had to be postponed I questioned it and I didn't know why. Well I know why now. I have been sick since Friday with a cold. I'm only starting to feel better now. I had to call the nurse at the hospital to ask her if I could still get surgery on Thursday since I was sick and it all depended on if I had an infection and if my secretions cleared up. I've done everything and it's looks like I'm finally on the mend. I still have to call to confirm tomorrow. 

Apart from that the diet has been going good. Being sick meant having a very low appetite but I managed to get good foods into me (vitamin rich foods) to help me kick this cold in the gut. I made myself countless spinach salads, spinach and berry smoothies, incorporated fresh garlic in nearly everything... I had one goal in mind and it was to get back on my feet to tackle Thursday. 

That's my rational self thinking.

Then nighttime comes and it's different.

I'm not afraid of the surgery. I'm not afraid of changing. I'm not even afraid of having to inject myself with anticoagulants for a whole week. I'm afraid of going under. Afraid of anesthesia. I've had local anesthesia when I had my carpal tunnel release surgery and although I was nervous I was semi asleep so I knew I was ok in a sense. But the thought of closing my eyes and falling asleep and never waking up seizes me. I can't take it. I'm praying that they let me take something to calm me down Thursday morning or they will have to put me down. 

The thought of not getting to see everyone I love before my surgery bothers me also. It's probably what feeds my fear of "not waking up". I wish I could hug and kiss everyone before I go because once I do, I will never be the same. 

Tomorrow is my last day being me. "That's absurd Gaby come on! You're still going to be yourself you're only getting some physical alterations. Your mind will still be the same!" 

Yes that's true I guess. But the truth is I will never be the same. I won't be the plump and comfy Gaby my niece can sit on or rest her head upon. I'll get questions and looks from people who have known me for years. I'll have to explain to airport security why there is a "wire" inside my body everytime I fly. I'll have to pretend I have a child to order from the kids menu. Sure it's all for the best and this is good change. But I will forever be changed.

I have one day left. Everything is ready. My hospital bag is ready and my paperwork is pre-filled. I'm going to bed really early tomorrow to make sure I'm up early Thursday. I am trying not to think about anything because I don't want to stress about anything. I just want to reach my goal and that right now is to get the surgery done and over with and then maybe I can come to terms with change and realize that sometimes change is all we really needed.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 24-25-26-27: it's happening

I have been doing pretty good. I was able to adjust my diet to my new work schedule (10-hour shifts require more food at work less at home!) and it's been going pretty well.

I am now realizing how real it all is.

Thursday night (day 26) I had an anxiety attack. Reason? I panicked over possibly not waking up from surgery and dying. Seems absurd but that's what anxiety does: it takes over. It all started because my boyfriend is not sure to be able to get off work that day and my mind totally lost it. Completely. Anxiety takes over and you become totally disconnected from reality and rational thinking. In my mind this was the last time I was seeing him and I was going to die. When clearly it could potentially happen (we are never 100% sure how we will react to surgery and anesthesia, etc) but I will be monitored from the moment I walk in to the hospital in the morning til the moment I get out. And it's not like it's the first time they do this.

However on a lighter note today I picked up my anticoagulant. This made me realize it's really real. There are just 5 days left. I'm ready. I think? 

 I will have to inject myself once daily for 7 days to prevent any blood clots. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also coming down with a cold or something like that. I felt fine all day until my throat started feeling scratchy and now I'm coughing and my nose is leaking. Because everybody needs a cold 5 days before getting surgery in the middle of the summer right?

5 more days of dieting. It's weird. I don't know what I wil eat after surgery. I've been away from everything I would normally eat that it's weird to imagine eating anything else but Nutribar shakes. I have a feeling I will continue eating like I eat now.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 20-21-22-23: hope

I felt good today. My whole day was actually pretty good. Work was good. I was awake and "there". But I was very hungry. 

I'm still following the Nutribar shake diet and I like it however I'm having a hard time adjusting it to my new work schedule. My 8-hour shift is now a 10-hour shift. And those 2 hours make a huge difference. But I figure I'll get the hang of it soon enough. 

The past few days I felt a lot of guilt. Mainly because I gave in and ate meat (as mentioned in the past couple of posts). I felt like I failed. And it sucked. But today I noticed some more changes and that lifted my spirits up. My abdomen is "dropping".  My pants were falling and looked really loose. My shirt is more "flowey" than usual. Small changes that are hard to notice but I know they're there. So maybe I didn't fail afterall. I'll know for sure next week.

Next week. Yes. Next week. Am I excited? In a sense I suppose but it still hasn't hit me yet. Am I scared? Yes if I think about it. The thought of going under and "falling asleep" scares me the most but it's a choice I took and I leave it in the hands of God. He had this plan for me all along and I'm going to follow it til the very end. I will wake up from anesthesia and I will start a new life. I will be forever changed. 

Today I also finally let go of the idea of "hiding" my surgery. I didn't want my coworkers to know. But let's be real. Who am I kidding? I will start to change at some point and to some extent and changes will show and I'll have to face people questionning me some time or another. I cannot hide from what I stand for. 

Of course I am self conscious about the choice I made and I don't want to face criticism. Who would? In a world where we are surrounded by gym rats, fitness fanatics and countless people carrying their Blender Bottle... How is it possible not to feel judged? I don't want to be seen as "the girl who took the easy way out". That's not what this is about. I am "the girl who has been overweight her entire life, taught the wrong way about food, tried gyms, diets, excercise machines, weights, running up and down the stairs til my parents wanted to choke me". That's the girl I am. I have lived in this vessel for too long. I am not doing this to "take the easy way out". I am doing this for health. Being skinny is not something I long for. I want to be the girl in her twenties with the clear bill of health, and not the girl with hypothyroidism, clinical anxiety, depression, migraines... That's not a way to live your life. So I have come to terms that if I am willing to become healthy I need to do this. I am thinking for my future. Someday I will get married and I will want a child and I will want to bring this child into the world as healthy as possible. I will want to chase them around at the park or go ride a bike with them. I will want to practice playing soccer with them or teach them out to swim. 

What I learned from hiding is that I have deceived some people who truly love me who actually found out through other people instead of coming directly from me. It upset me that it was "going around" as this is what I wanted to avoid at all cost from the beginning. But the love and support I keep getting daily is truly overwhelming. My heart is about to burst and it brings tears to my eyes. They know it's the best thing I could ever do for myself. And I can get support from anyone. The feeling is amazing. And I love teaching and enlightening those curious about my surgery. I love that they lean something and that they understand. You never know if this is what someone they know had needed all along.

So I have decided two things: I will keep pushing til the end (8 days left!) and I will not hide and I will openly answer questions. I want to be free and if this is part of what I gambled for, then I am ready.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 19: defeat

I was having a good day today. Although I ate meat again (I promised myself I won't as of that moment) I felt good and ready to tackle the day's tasks. 

I went back on the shake diet and I was feeling happy. 

Then I get an email from my sister: the hospital called. They left a message. They have to reschedule your surgery. The surgeon has an emergency. Call them back.

My heart sank. I look at the time. 5pm. I know they're gone for the day but I try anyway. No answer. Tears are now welling up in my eyes. 4 years. I waited for 4 years and I finally get the green light, only to be stopped. I felt terrible. I know I can't give up at this point and I know it can't be that bad and most people (or all people) would just tell me to chill out. But this feels like a defeat. Waiting for 4 years, and the journey had so many bumps and so many downs that one would wonder why I persevered. 11 days left (I've been counting down religiously, crossing out each day on my calendar) and now you will possibly add more? How many? I then started crying. I bowed my head and cried quietly at my desk at work. I collect myself and keep working until my break until I call my boyfriend and the water-dam breaks. He was worried something had happened to me as I was sobbing on the phone. But he knew how to cheer me up. By reminding me everything I had gone through to attain this milestone. I can't quit. And I can certainly not make any decisions until I get to speak with the hospital. He's right. 

I finally get home and my dad makes me listen to the message. That's right. They need to push back my surgery. What am I going to tell my boss? What am I going to tell my mom who took the day off work specifically for my surgery? I run up to my room and call my mom.

Well it turns out the hospital called her too. I guess because I put her down as the person accompanying me the day of the surgery. She had a conversation with the secretary and confirmed my new surgery date for august 7th, 3 days later. I take in everything my mom is telling me and I appreciate that she even took to my defence when the secretary told her. I apologize to her and she's all relaxed and already switched her vacation day and does everything to alleviate my anxiety. It worked. 

It's only 3 more days and it was meant to be. Maybe to make up for the "meatscapades"? Who knows. I know that starting immediately I'm following this diet straighter than an arrow! Not that I was doing anything so wrong it was totally jeopardizing my surgery but I know I can put back in all the effort I had put at the beginning. 

So let's calm down. Take a deep breath. It will all be ok. I get surgery on august 7th. That's how it's going to be. Everything will work out just fine. 

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 16-18: meat, meat, meat...

I have to find a way to stop craving meat! It seems so simple: don't eat meat! But to be honest... It's so hard! What is wrong with me? 

That's my only cheat. Meat. I don't cheat by eating junk. I don't chest by eating breakfast at Tim Horton's... I cheat by eating meat. Not just any meat because I know I have to be careful with fat and carbs. So far I have been eating beef jerky. It "says" it has no fat. I don't know about that I mean I know the meat is cooked and smoked to a crisp but still... 

And just thinking about it right now makes me hungry. 

I've been doing really well. I have been following my diet, eating my fruits and veggies (and eating a bit more of them if I am still hungry) and I make a big effort to try and respect the portions as much as possible (it's not always easy to measure a cup of a certain fruit or of veggies!) but I try my best. 

This thing with meat though... It has to stop! I know I'm not supposed to eat meat because of the protein... But I don't know what to do! It drives me insane! If I don't have it my mind won't stop racing. It's like a shark that smells blood... I feel crazy.

Otherwise everything else is good. I feel good most days (except today because I need to get some sleep). There's 11 days left until my surgery. I am so excited but yet so scared. And mostly worried. If you tell me to be careful or else my actions may cause consequences then I will obsess about it until I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well since we told me that if my liver doesn't shrink I won't get operated now I'm freaking out about that. Of course I don't want that to happen! I waited 4 years for this and I'm not about to throw it all away because I'm weak! Well I'm not weak but you understand what I mean... This "diet" is more than just in preparation of my surgery. It's about self-control, respect for yourself but mostly about learning how your own body works. I never truly understood what "being hungry" meant. Until now. 

And now back to me freaking out. And wanting to eat meat. I'm truly worried that my "meatscapades" (like my new word?) are jeopardizing my surgery. And I KNOOOOW I have to stop it right now. But I can't. I cannot live without eating meat. I truly believe that my body does not function properly without it. Having a hard-boiled egg and a protein shake does not satisfy me. I need the real stuff! (Gosh I sound like a drug addict!)

So onto day 19. I don't get the chance to update every single day as often as I wish. I also stopped posting my days worth of foods because it became repetitive. I am always eating the same things over and over again... One thing I know for sure is that I'm a shake gal. I tried doing the Protilife foods today for a change but nope. Didn't work out. I did what I wanted today. 

Here's what I had: (and it's not the way to go!)

Breakfast: nothing. 

Early snack/just got to work: 

-2 baby bel cheese

-2 pepperoni sticks

-2 packs of jack link's original beef jerky (yes that much. I'm not kidding when I say I need meat)

Snack:

-Protilife chocolate and cream bar

-grapes with cheese (from work cafeteria)

-small salad (about 2 cups) mixed spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, sliced black olives with lemon juice

Lunch:

-Protilife chicken noodle soup (...)

-cheese and grapes from work

Supper/snack (it gets confusing at times):

-1 portion low-fat mozzarella 

-1 portion of cherries

-1 tbsp goat cheese (garlic & herbs) (was meant to be used with rhubard but I forgot out sour that tasted so I ate the cheese on its own)

I'm curious to see what my Fitness Pal has to say about my victorious (sarcasm) day.

By the way... I had to go back in and add stuff. Why am I trying to hide something? It's not benefitin anyone or anything. I can make mistakes right? It's so childish. This is something I developed as a kid. Being an overweight kid with parents watching your every move, I always had to "hide" or find ways to "sneak" and lie about food. It's horrible. I remember growing up there was a little girl who came up on the Maury Show for hiding bacon in her purse. I laughed with everyone but I always had this thought in the back of my mind... I'm just like her. I used to hide Ficello cheese strings in my pjs before going to bed. Or I would take the opportunity of being alone to eat anything I could find before I wasn't alone anymore. It makes me sad that although we "tried" to get me to learn about eating healthy by enrolling me in gyms and going to see nutritionists and dieticians... I was never taught to understand my body and why it really needs food. My parents did all they could and I know that. I know my mom blames herself. So does my dad. But the real problem wasn't eating. The problem was in my head and how distorted my perception of hunger and food being body fuel really was. It's just that. Plain and simple. Food is to our bodies like gas is to a car. Try overfilling your car with gas. Have fun paying for the spill. It's the same principle. Except that the currency to this spill was life experiences, good times I missed out on in my life. Lack of confidence and low self esteem. Body image issues, and even for a while bulimia. I found a pleasure in eating that I could also find in "relieving" myself. Hard day at school? Throw up. Overate? Throw up. Parents grounded me? Throw up. I've developed severe anxiety as of age 13 or 14. And every night I couldn't go to sleep because of it. My parents bought me tea, relaxation CDs... But nothing helped more than throwing up. After I did I could go sleep perfectly fine. 

That time of my life was tough for me as a teen. So I won't go there because it's way off subject already. But I realize that food and I always had a rocky relationship. It was all about listening! Listening to my body tell me "feed me I'm bored!" or "feed me or I won't be able to reach my goals throughout my tasks at work!" 

I am in no way a pro at all this. I get amazed at some people on Instagram posting their well elaborated lunched, all weighed and sliced to the square centimetre and packed up in these "coolers" because really there is no normal lunchbox that could contain so much stuff. I'm a learning in progress. One thing I know is that I am the captain of that ship that is my body. There's no one there telling me "don't eat it!" anymore. I have to take on that responsibility. 

My goal for the next few days is to TRY to stay away from crack. I mean meat. :)

I want to write more. And I NEED TO TAKE THOSE BEFORE PICTURES FOR CRYING OUTLOUD! (Sister is gonna be busy tomorrow night!)

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 10-15: excited

I am feeling really excited. I am already seeing results with the diet! (Happy dance)

It isn't easy every day but I do my very best. I trip and fall but I always get back up. 

I've been getting meat cravings but I found that if I eat my shake I feel better. I've had meat a few times now (I'll opt for beef jerky as it has no fat and low calories, although sodium is pretty high) and it usually helps. 

I was bad this weekend though. Friday I went shopping without eating breakfast before leaving so I tried to tough it out til I couldn't anymore and I found a coffee shop that had a container of watermelon pieces. I had that with a homemade lemonade. It didn't taste sweet but it was really good!

I then went out with my boyfriend and he was eating McDonald's (and it smelled good) but I didn't order anything. I had a bite of a few fries (I know it's bad but it was just that one time!). 

Other than that we went to a farmers' market on Saturday morning and I stocked up on fruits and veggies that I love. I ate lots of fruit this weekend so I hope I didn't unbalance my sugars (and hope it doesn't affect my liver!). I found delicious blueberries and strawberries! My family and I almost finished the entire box in a day!

I'm feeling good though. I've been doing the shake diet everyday. I find it's the one that gives me more "freedom" and variety. I'm comfortable with having one shake for each meal, or skipping my lunch shake and swapping it for my fruit and veggies and then taking a double shake for dinner. So far this satisfies me the most. I just wish I had thought of that before spending over $100 on Protilife food. I will still use it up after my surgery as I won't be able to eat as much so the portions will be perfect. 

Going back to my family noticing I lost weight: how rewarding! I think it's an added bonus to the diet, as it's main purpose is to shrink the liver and not to make you lose weight but hey! It works that way so I can't complain! I did notice myself that I lost on my chest, face and hips. My mother-in-law made me realize that I was starting to have a shape around my waist and hips. And it's true! I can put my hands on my hips! My chest was the first area I noticed to have gone down... The girls are playing flappy bird hahaha! Just kidding... But my chest is going down and I can press directly on my sternum. I am starting to slightly notice my collar bone (which I haven't seen since I was a child!) and my cheek bones. I feel great! I'm really getting excited now, as I have done 15 days and have just 14 to go. I'm going to be busy with work and taking life a day at a time. It's going to pass by so fast. I'm really excited.

I'm proud of what I am achieving and all I have overcome. I am happy that I keep my head up and take challenges daily as they come towards me. I feel blessed to have such amazing family and close loved ones who support and cheer for me. I am so lucky to have all this support, especially on days when it's harder than others. I get to embark on this journey and I get to really start living. I have never felt so alive. When I thought I finally overcame depression and found a purpose in life, I never envisioned that life could get as good and fulfilling as it is this very day. It is very rewarding and very overwhelming to feel so empowered and so blissful. I wish this feeling to everyone possible. I don't know how life can get better than this.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Days 6...7...8...9... - good, bad and ugly

Well... 

I did my very best. It was going great. Day 6 was real good and I was really into the whole diet thing, watching everything I was doing, being careful, focusing on my main goal. 

Day 7 came by... And I slipped. 

Not that bad but still... 

Everything was going well. I was following everything to the "T". My boyfriend came over we went to the pool and I tanned a bit then we went to his geanother's for supper. His family is 1000% supportive and went all out to help me (fixing me a salad, setting out a sparkling water for me). But they were having pasta and I was having salad. I was totally fine, I swear. But I was explaining what I could and could not eat and I said "I miss Nonnina's sauce". And I said I could probably just dip my fork in the sauce to "taste". But I was kind of tempted to go a bit further and I had one noodle. Just one. And I know it's not that bad. I'm not guilt-tripping over one noodle. 

But then came the meatball. I swear it was only one. But the guilt I felt afterwards... Especially when I was watching the bowl of sausages with more meatballs being carried away to be put away... The feeling was scary. 

Then I found myself wanting more meat.

That's when it went bad.

My boyfriend and I returned to his parents' house and we stopped by the convenience store to pick up sparkling water, and I bought myself dried pepperoni sticks. I couldn't wait until I was back home to chow down the first. Then came the second... And later that night I had two more.

I can't even begin to tell you the feeling I felt after eating the meat. I had these visions in my head that I was at the hospital on the day of the surgery and being wheeled out of the room being told I didn't get operated today... And each pepperoni came to mind.

It sounds so silly. You would think "ok, it's not that bad! It's just one time!" But to me it still feels like a failure. I was going to do it the right way and I didn't. 

I've been on the "shake" diet for all of these days (personal preference. I have more choice that way and I feel more full). I did notice that the moment I put food in my mouth I don't feel the "hunger" in my stomach. My brain is starting to break the idea that "hungry means stuffing myself up". I can eat a simple slice of cheese and feel fine. Or a bite or two of salad and feel ok. I eat the whole portion because I know that if I don't I'll feel hungry within the hour but I now realize the distinction between being "hungry" and being "HUNGRY!!!" The latter happens in the morning, around noon and later in the evening if I didn't have a full supper, which consists of my shake with either a vegetable salad or my chicken broth with cheese.

Although I slipped I am still proud of myself for pursuing my journey and "picking up where I left off" as if nothing ever happened. I haven't found myself to slip since Saturday (day 7). I feel good. I exercised today (went swimming) and I plan on going every day this week. 

I don't really notice much change yet, besides my chest area being more "loose"... In the sense that I can lay down on my back and be able to touch my throat without having my breasts go all the way down to my face (sorry... Big boobs problems)... 

I realize we can all make mistakes. But what matters is what you make of those mistakes and how you come around them. I've got the best support system in the world. (Honestly, you all know who you are. I wouldn't be where I am without all of you!!!)

gabythegirlnextdoor

Day 5: happy

Today was a good day. Although I woke up feeling like total crap: headache, had nightmares all night, overall aching... But it turned out to be a good day!

I did shakes today. I've decided shake day is my favourite! I swapped my afternoon snack with my lunch so that I get two portions of shake at once and stay full til I get home and have my specialty: chicken broth with shredded cheese. It's become an inside joke. 

I felt good today. I was a bit tired and sleepy but I blame that on going to bed late and my body still catching up on very much needed rest from the move. I had my shake this morning and then kept my cheese portion for when I got to work. I looked forward to my first break to have my crunchy salad from work (see below) and my favourite grapes and cheese. That made me last all afternoon until my supper (lunch break) at work where I had both portions of shake. And I got home and felt hungry. I ate my soup and now I'm ready for bed! I'm thinking I'm going to do shake days most days. I almost wish I didn't spend so much money on Protilife...

Here is what I ate today in details:

Breakfast:

-1 shake (used the one with added protein) with 500ml skim milk

Snack:

-1 portion of cheese

Lunch:

-1 portion salad consisting of spinach, red cabbage, cucumber and tomato with lemon juice

Meeting snack:

-1 portion of grapes and cheese

Late afternoon:

-2 portions of shake mixed with 473ml container of 2% milk

Supper:

-my cheese soup made with chicken broth and 1 portion of low-fat mozzarella, shredded

I just loved how happy I was when I brought up my salad and grapes to my desk! I was excited! I'll have to plan on making my own as it will end up costing a fortune but I love that it's my go-to snack at work!

Hoping tomorrow is a good day also. Can't believe almost a whole week is already over! Funny thing that happened... I had a nightmare about my surgery. In my dream I was having a panic attack and I was really anxious, almost freaking out. My friend from work had the same dream! So weird... 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I'm thinking shake day again tomorrow!!!

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 4: perseverance

If I thought yesterday was tough I had no idea what today had in plan for me. I was really not up to it today. I was tired and hungry and ready to give up. I am too lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. 

I woke up really tired with an achy arm. Must've slept on it. I called the hospital to speak to the nutritionist about meat cravings and turns out meat is a major no-no for the purpose of the diet. I wasn't happy. 

I arrived at work not wanting to be there, just wanting to sleep all day. I was so hungry and really wanted to cheat and eat something with meat. I scared myself. My mind was spinning and just trying to scheme away, looking for an easy way out. 

I did end up cheating during the day, but by eating an extra portion of veggies. And I actually felt good. I didn't give in to temptation and stuck it out. I did what I had to do and although I was sleepy all day I made it through.

Here is what I had today:

Breakfast:

-Protilife oatmeal with 1 kiwi

-1 portion low-fat cheese

Lunch:

-Protilife chocolate and cream bar

-1 portion salad consisting of spinach, red cabbage, cucumber and tomato with lemon juice

Snack:

-1container of grapes and cheese from the cafeteria

Late afternoon snack/supper:

-1 Protilife beef and veggie soup

-1 portion salad consisting of spinach, red cabbage, cucumber and tomato with lemon juice

Late night snack:

-1 Protilife coconut lemon bar

Overall today was total crap. But I'm glad I did it. I can't believe day 4 is already over. I did enjoy the salad from work. I'm thinking of making that a staple in my diet on a daily basis. I love the crunch! I always loved salad but this really hit the spot. I'm thinking I should call the nutritionist and ask if it's ok to "cheat" with a salad when I'm super hungry.

I ended up buying the right Nutribar shake with added protein (in chocolate because it tastes really good!) so I'm looking forward to trying that tomorrow. So far my favourite days are "shake days". I love that I can eat an egg and cheese in the same day.

I have to find a way to keep my spirits up! I need to focus on the now rather than look at the remaining days and think it's impossible to accomplish. I'm so close and I shouldn't give up now! 

gabythegirlnextdoor 

30 day pre-op diet plan

Pre-op diet:

Boost diet:
Morning: diabetic Boost and 1 portion fruit
Lunch: diabetic Boost
Afternoon snack: 1 portion fruit + 1oz. low-fat cheese
Supper: diabetic Boost
Late-night snack: diabetic Boost

Protilife Diet:
Morning: 1 Protilife oatmeal and 1 portion fruit
Lunch: 1 Protilife bar and 1oz. low-fat cheese
Afternoon snack: 1 portion fruit
Supper: 1 Protilife soup and 1oz. low-fat cheese
Late-night snack: 1 Protilife bar

Nutribar Protein Plus Shake Diet:
Morning: 1 shake + 1 egg or 1oz. low-fat cheese
Lunch: 1 shake
Afternoon snack: 1 portion of fruit
Supper: 1 shake
Late-night snack: 1oz. low-fat cheese

Drink a minimum of 1.5L of liquids (unlimited water, coffee, tea,  fat-free stock, Crystal Light)

Sugar free gum and sugar free Jell-O are allowed.

The following veggies are allowed up to one cup total per day:
Asparagus, broccoli, cawliflower, celeri, cucumber, spinach, string beans,  lettuce, snap peas, bell peppers, radishes, fresh tomatoes.

NO DRESSING OR DIP.

Day 3: cravings

Wow today was tough. 

It started off great! Right after I posted last night I found the online chat forum I had been part of back when I found out about my doctor. And lucky enough a lady had posted the diet plan I have to follow in one of her posts! I will make a separate post with my diet plan. 

And as I suspected I was doing two things wrong: 

1. I was underfeeding

2. I was supposed to buy the Nutribar shake mix with added protein (not as bad of a mistake as the first!!!)

So that explains the headaches... The heartburn... 

And I decided that today I would do shakes again. Best part: I was allowed to eat an egg with my shake for breakfast! I was so happy! I scrambled it plain in a nonstick pan and added a drop of fat-free chicken stock concentrate and it tasted yummy!

So here is what I had today:

Late breakfast:

-Nutribar shake with 2% milk

-1/2 portion of low-fat mozzarella

-1 organic farm egg with a drop of chicken stock concentrate (for flavouring) and the tiniest amount of butter just so it wouldn't stick (and it still did so that shows how little was used!)

Lunch:

-2 portions Nutribar shake with 2% milk

-portion of grapes and cheese

Late afternoon break:

-3 cups fat-free chicken stock 

Supper:

-Soup made with 2 cups of chicken stock and 1 portion melted fat-free mozzarella

This is when things got challenging. I got super hungry in the afternoon. I realized I should have split my shakes in two. One for lunch and one for later in the afternoon. It took everything for me to concentrate on work and not think about food! I was looking up pictures of food on the internet and my nose developed a super sense of smell! 

I was basically craving meat. Badly. Any meat. And I'm wondering if it's because I am not taking the shake with added protein. 

Regardless, the cravings went away when I got home and ate my "cheese soup". My sister doesn't think it looks appetizing but it's the closest thing I can have to chicken noodle soup!

I'm going to have to make myself hard-boiled eggs for when I have meat cravings. You don't understand. I come from an italian background. Meat is part of every meal, every snack. There is meat everywhere. Everybody eats meat. We were made carnivorous. I will either have to contact the dietician and ask if I am allowed to incorporate some lean meats to my diet, or get some spices to add to some cooked veggies and eggs.

But all that aside, day 3 is over and day 4 starts. I'm going to do Protilife tomorrow. I really like the idea of getting my grapes and cheese at work as a snack (although I secretly wish it was low-fat cheddar...) and it's on-the-go but healthier! 

Stay tuned for the next post: my diet plan and options.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 2: Challenge

I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a bus. My body must still be recovering from moving but mostly from lack of sleep these past couple of weeks. My also woke up realizing I got a sunburn Sunday afternoon. Fun times. But I was determined to try the shakes today.

I still don't have my meal plan yet (hint to my boyfriend: get that friggen box already!) so I had to improvise again today but I feel I did a good job.

I'm still not sure I bought the right variety of shake mix from the bran suggested (Nutribar) but I figured that it would still be better than what I would normally eat at work. Biggest concern was that the shake mix requires a cup of milk... (Am I supposed to drink milk??!) and it wants me to use 2%... I was able to find two 200ml containers of skim milk at the cafeteria at work and it tasted perfectly fine!

So here is what I ate!

Breakfast/lunch (I don't really eat in the morning because I take my thyroid pill!):

Some celery and carrots (left some for the rest of my day to nibble on)

Lunch (late afternoon): 

-2 shake portions (with 2X 200ml skim milk) 

-container of grapes and some cheddar (my fave snack from the cafeteria and I forgot to pack some fruit)

Late afternoon snack:

-leftover carrots and one cup of diluted fat-free chicken broth 

Supper:

-2 portions of shake with 500ml of 2% milk (I have to go out and buy skim milk IF this is the variety of shake I'm supposed to take!)

-1cup fat-free chicken stock with a bit of grated low-fat mozzarella melted in it

I did not feel any heartburn today! Didn't have headaches either. I did drink water all day long. I didn't have Perrier until now. I felt great! I was really tired when I woke up this morning but as the day progressed I felt like I had more energy and I didn't start feeling tired in the afternoon like I usually would (which would make me go out and buy myself a Coke at the vending machine! Sometimes 2 or 3 in one day!)

I'm ready to attack Day 3. I don't really think this is a "liver detox". I am not exactly sure what they would call it but I know it's to "shrink" my liver and reduce the fat around it, if there is, which there probably is as obesity usually causes a liver to get engorged with fat. 

My plan for tomorrow is to use Protilife (because I'm still not sure what I'm doing!!!) and I was thinking of starting to take some "before" pictures that I would compare myself to the day before surgery, and then the weeks following surgery. One thing is for sure: I am more determined than ever. God gave me a second chance at life. It is the opportunity of a lifetime and I cannot mess this up. I may have failed many things in life but I cannot fail my health. When you feel like nothing is working and you feel like giving up, just remember that if there is a will there is a way and I just need this extra "push" to get myself there.

gabythegirlnextdoor 

Day 1: Liver detox

Today was hard. I won't lie.

I bought all my meal supplies (Protilife meals, Nutribar shake mix, Glucerna) and I bought bottle water, low fat cheese and fat free chicken broth. However my diet plan is tucked somewhere in my moving boxes and I couldn't find it! So I pretty much winged it today. I'm kind of worried I did something wrong but here is what I ate:

Breakfast/lunch (woke up around noon...): Protilife chocolate and cream bar and bottles water

Lunch/afternoon snack: Protilife coconut lemon bar and Perrier (which I'm allowed to drink! Yay!)

Supper: Protilife beef vegetable and noodle soup with low fat mozzarella and Perrier

I think I probably ate less than I was supposed to (which would explain my mild headache and constant hungry feeling). I know for a fact that as I was reminding myself subconsciously not to think of other foods and to only eat what I'm supposed to eat I would forget to drink water throughout the day. So far I have only drank water when I ate. I'm assuming it's the reason behind my really bad acid reflux I've been having since this afternoon.

I'm now getting ready for bed and I armed myself with 2 bottles of water which I plan on downing before bed (1 down another to go...) and my favourite; Perrier, which I know many people keep telling me it's not good for the salt but I was told by the nutritionist that I can drink as many as I want. I know I can't only drink that but so far I've had two 500ml bottles and I'm about to drink one last one for the day, when usually I will drink up to 3 1L bottles.. Maybe 4 on a hot summer day.

So far I'd day I'm doing good besides the headache which is manageable. I'm sure it will go away with a good night sleep. I was told to stop my birth control pill today as well so I did that. I'm not looking forward to what will come from that... For one because it starts your cycle over again, but mostly because I was prescribed them for managing the length of my cycles (as they were wonky at some time). But I'm not complaining, I'm sure there are far worst things out there.

So Day 1 has ended. I'm happy. I'm really proud of my focus (even when I was at my sister soccer tournament and the smell of hotdogs was in the air...) and I can't wait to get my diet plan to know what I'm actually doing! Tomorrow will be shake day. I'll look for some veggies to bring with me (which I know I can eat up to one cup!) and I think unlimited celery.. Not sure! But either way even if I make a mistake by just doing what I think is right I know that it has to be much better than eating "regular" foods...

So I'm calling it a night! I will post again tomorrow!

Good night!

gabythegirlnextdoor

So it begins... the ups and downs of weightloss and being healthy

I got the call.

I finally got the call.

50 weeks after my first meeting with the doctor I got the confirmation: I am getting surgery on August 4th 2014.

I was in shock. I was excited but I felt like it was just a dream...

The hospital called me at work and my boss handed me the phone so I was kind of scared at first until I heard the secretary say she was calling to confirm my surgery date. I quickly wrote everything down to make sure I didn't forget anything. I then handed the phone back to my boss and told her. It's happening!

I got to tell my closest family and friends, all of which seemed more excited than I was (only because I'm still processing the fact that's its actually happening).

I waited for 4 years. 4 long years. During those years I met with another doctor (who was pushing another surgery on me and made me feel super uncomfortable)... Mind you I had waited a whole year for his clinic to call me to even acknowledge they had received my request to get on the waiting list. You can imagine my despair when that whole process flopped.

I then put myself on the waiting list for another doctor (of which I had heard of after browsing an online chat forum filled with other people who were waiting, who were going for their tests, and some who had just had their surgeries (lapband or other). This new doctor apparently only did the lapband and was the best and it was apparently really worth it seeking his help. So I got on the phone and gave my information to the secretary. I was excited. There was something. About 9 or 10 months later I received a letter advising me that the doctor had to take an early retirement and all the patients and future patients on the waiting list would be transferred to other nearby doctors. Guess where? To the clinic of the first doctor. I wasn't too pleased but figured maybe it was meant to be.

Well I was wrong.

I called the clinic (now back with doc #1) to ask about my ranking and to know if there was any plans of scheduling me for an appointment anytime soon? "No ma'am.  If you were not seen by him yet and you were on his wait list then you have to fill out the form on our website so someone call contact you to get on our waiting list."

Here I was. Back at square one. I waited for over a year before they contacted me the first time and they tried to force a decision on me. I wait another year with a different doctor only to be pushed back to the doctor I didn't like and to top it all off have to fill out the form once again and risk waiting another year if not more?

I wasn't having it. That's when I nearly gave up.

Until I read on the forum about ladies getting their surgery done at a hospital near my hometown. Not exactly practical by public transit (leaving from Montreal to go somewhere on the South Shore by metro and bus can sum up yo a total of 3 hours of transit...)

There wasn't much info but I decided to look up the hospital's number and give them a call. I gave my information and left it at that. I honestly forgot about it and kind of became used to the fact I would be forever fat. Forever unhealthy. And forever insecure.

Now before someone comes on and says that I'm taking the easy way out do your research.

Fast forward to a year later (July 2013): I'm home recovering from carpal tunnel release surgery and get a call saying I could come to a group meeting and get information. So I went with my mom and got myself "registered" for an appointment with the surgeon.

That went well. Although different types of surgeries can be performed he genuinely respected my choice of the lapband and I felt comfortable with him accepting my decision.

Fast forward a few months... I have a series of tests at the hospital (ECG, bloodwork, weigh-in, etc) and leave to go home with a device to measure my heart rate to see if I have sleep apnea. I didn't get a call back so I assumed I'm fine. I also met with the anesthesiologist in February 2014 who explained the anaesthesia and a bit of what she did which was comforting.

Now here we are. July 2014. And I'm getting my surgery next month. It is no longer a process. It is no longer a dream, an aspiration, a desperation. It is finally reality.

Sunday (tomorrow) marks day 1 of my "detox" diet. I now have to "shrink" my liver to make sure the surgeon can get easy access to the top portion of my stomach (where it connects to the duodenum). I have to put my mind to it and really focus for 39 days. It motivates me even more now that it's happening. I'm ready.

So I'm putting aside that I'm in the midst of moving and im going to concentrate on my 30 days. I have to go out and buy my "diet" foods and wanted to take "before" pictures.

I think I'm going to try to document the process from here on out. I wish I had read something so detailed when I was first doing my research.

Who knows!

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor