6 months post-op: struggles

February 7th marked 6 months since my surgery. I can't say I've done really good but I've lost a total of 11lbs since surgery. That's not to be looked over as it is progress but not as good as I anticipated.  

I started off this journey at 377lbs last February and lost 14 lbs by the time I was operated. That's a total of 24lbs. It's a slow journey but I'm the only one to blame.

I've started this new year with a goal in mind: to finally reach my first milestone of 329lbs. I'm not far but it feels like a huge mountain to climb. 

To achieve that goal I set myself some rules: eat consciously and excercise. It's been going ok so far. But then I hurt my back last week and set aside my workout til I felt better. Somehow I fell off the wagon with food as well! What the heck! So this week I eased myself back into my workout routine by starting with 15 minutes rather than my usual intense 25 mins. 

As for food... Well this week has been a problem. I'm probably beating myself over nothing but this week's been pretty bad so far. Overeating (based on how much I can actually eat now with the band, not based on a regular person) and mostly attracted to the bad stuff (I've had junk food... And lots of it.) 

I know I can't dwell on the past and all that matters is what I do from now on but I can't help thinking about my next appointment and weighing myself and I'm afraid of what these numbers will tell me! I want to feel like I can do something and succeed at it! I want to know that I worked really hard and got results. And I know that "stuffing my face" won't make that happen. I'm well aware of that.

Besides that my anxiety as been through the roof lately with bits of insomnia and panic attacks here and there. I just want to sleep for days in a row and not have to worry about anything. (Perhaps it's time for a checkup with my doctor...)

So as I'm typing I keep looking back on top to the graph showing my weightloss and yeah I have to admit it looks pretty good. But can you possibly help feeling like you should've achieved more? I never thought that this would be a miracle cure or an overnight change: never in a million years. But I did expect better results and more "willpower" from myself. I thought I was "better than that". 

I guess I'm just in a slump feeling negative about it all and I hope I get pass this as soon as possible. I really look forward to feeling like I used to feel weeks ago about my weightloss journey. I was really proud and ready to conquer it all. Right now I just feel bummed out.

Until next time,

gabythegirlnextdoor